British Hedgehog

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Killer Hedgehog 1
Cute & Cuddly? This little critter bought down a Renault Kangoo and devoured its catalytic convertor within seconds

Give me a Challenger Tank and I’ll execute every Motherf**king last one of ‘em!

~ Barry Chuckle on British Hedgehogs

The British Hedgehog is a familiar sight on Britain’s roads, usually seen in its dead and flattened form, but the commonly held belief that the Hedgehog is a victim of road traffic is very much mistaken for the Hedgehog is a cunning and vicious pack-hunter.

The British Hedgehog hunts in packs with the objective of bringing down motor vehicles on Britain’s network of A-Roads. Their hunting method suggests a highly evolved and intelligent mind, with the hunting pack; frequently between 50 and 100 Hedgehogs strong, showing more than rudimentary team work and coordination.

Behaviour

The British Hedgehogs hunting pattern invariably consists of one Hedgehog sacrificing itself for the good of all; this is usually an elderly decrepit Hog whose usefulness to the herd is at an end.

This “pawn sacrifice” Hedgehog will lay in wait watching the traffic flow until it spots a straggler, the straggler is usually an under-powered Hatchback. Elderly 1.6L pre 16 valve Vauxhall Astra’s are a favourite quarry of the hunting Hedgehog pack, but any small to medium family hatchback are common prey. Vehicles as large as Ford Transit vans have also been known to be attacked, though frequently without success.

The forlorn hope Hedgehog, upon spotting it’s straggler amongst the traffic flow will then charge forward, intent on only one thing – taking the car down. It aims for the vehicles’ weak spot – its tyres, and thrusts it’s spines into them with all its might, the brave little Hedgehog is usually killed in the process, but it’s sacrifice is rarely in vain as the vehicle is bought down by the injury and forced to pull-over.

At this critical point the rest of the pack charges into the helpless floundering vehicle and it is here; at the kill, that a strict hierarchy can be observed amongst the hunting pack. The leader of the pack; the king Hedgehog, get’s the most prized booty of the kill: the succulent air filter, scrumptious Catalytic converter, spark plugs and battery are his and his alone.

The next level in this complex hierarchy gets the remainder of the engine, the alternator and the radiator hoses being particularly prized and many a Hedgehog is prepared to die for the oil filter. The young newcomers to the hunting pack are left to pick at the rear end of the exhaust and fibreglass bumpers.

Despite many scare stories attacks on humans are rare, the man-killer Hedgehog is a myth. If your vehicle is attacked by a pack of Hedgehogs the Ministry of Transport advice is to stay in your vehicle with the doors locked and windows up, and to try to look submissive if threatened. Do not sound the horn; this only makes the Hedgehogs more aggressive.

Calling a rescue service like the AA or RAC will help however; as for some reason the Hedgehog is afraid of flashing lights; it is the sole reason that these rescue vehicles have such light assemblies.

Occasionally a hungry Hedgehog pack will attack a motorcyclist, any motorbike of 125cc and under are particularly vulnerable, the best advice for the besieged motorcyclist is to throw their crash helmet and run, the leader of the Hedgehog pack will habitually pursue the visor with the rest of the pack fighting over the helmets retention system with the synthetic chin strap being most fought after.

Historical origins of the British Hedgehogs hunting habits

Illegal export Hedgehog
Pit Fighting Hedgehogs seized at Heathrow Airport in April 2008

How did the British Hedgehog evolve into attacking and consuming vehicles of steel, iron and rubber? This is the subject of much debate.

It is widely believed that the British Hedgehog began its carnivorous activities with slug’s, snails and puppy dog tails. But later it moved onto insects, devilled frogs legs, garlic mushrooms, fish soup rouille and croutons, Endive Salad with Blue Cheese and Walnuts, fan of melon, Six native Maldon oysters with lemon and shallot vinegar, watermelons, Prawn Cocktails and Steak Tatare!

But history was no friend to the British Hedgehog, as the Romans built more and more roads across rural Britain the Hedgehogs were forced to gravitate towards these thoroughfares in search of easy prey. By the middle ages it is thought they began to tackle increasingly larger prey such as Oxen, Ponies and Horses. Therefore it is no surprise that they should naturally evolve to hunt the man-made industrialised steel horses of the 20th century.

The Illegal Fighting Hedgehog Trade

Sadly an International illegal fighting ring has grown around illegally trapped and exploited British Hedgehogs. This disgusting and illegal trade allegedly funded by Daily Mail readers; pitches British Hedgehogs against American “Monster Trucks”.

Despite some initial success against the Shell-Camino 1,600 Horse-Power team these poor Hedgehogs are now being massacred, the scale of their losses has caused the RSPCA to step in. It is now against international law to use a British Hedgehog in such matches unless they are fired from a “F**king big Cannon”.

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