British Army
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Ah, the British Army, the weakest Army in the world, with the crazyest traditions in the World eg. the running of the cheeses. These traditions are kept alive today by the four members of the British Army that haven't been de-commissioned by governmental cutbacks. of course all of the problems with todays army are irrelevent due to the glorious existence of the 1st Batallion, Royal Regiment of Fusiliers, the finest bunch of soldiers ever to grace gods cruel kindom. mmmmm thats tasty hackle
It all began in the reign of King Charles I, when Parliament was pissed off with the King for being, well, a King. They declared war on him, plunging Britain into Civil War. However, at first the parliamentarians lost a lot of battles because Oliver Cromwell's model army just wasn't up to scratch. He never got round to painting the cannons, and the little Army Men couldn't stand up to the kings 'Real' army. So Cromwell set up a New Model Army, with real soldiers instead of toy ones and began to win. This new model army was the basis for the British Army which has lasted these past 400 years. In this time they have whooped pretty much every other country in the world, so if yours is not mentioned by name i apologise. It is also believed Britain has the best track record of any countrys military history, it has never lost a major conflict since the American war of 1745 but Britain didn't really give a shit at the time and so the nation of USA was born... you know the rest.
Headline news: The entire British Army has been ammalgameted, another "Super Regiment" called "The Soldiers", this continues the trend in naming new "super regiments" with ridiculously stupid names, with little refernace to role, for example, "the rifles" formally The Light Infanty have no relation to rifles at all. We all know all they do is run up hills with 300 tonne bergens.
[edit] Some of the countries Britain has owned
- Holland
- Russia (Crimean War)
- Argentina (the Falkland Islands War, starring Margaret Thatcher)
- India its a white country. They all just like having tans
- Afghanistan (twice!)Why not give them another go TBH? Might as well, Just for lolz
- Germany (Two World Wars, one World Cup and a bucket of vindaloooooooooo)
- France (more times than it's fair to mention)
- Canada
- Italy (WW2)
- Japan (WW2, it was pretty much just GREAT Britian)
- Iraq (more casualties taken from friendly fire, thankyou USA)
- Egypt and Sudan
- Spain
- Most of Africa
- USA. After all, why would a country speak English if it wasn't completely and utterly owned by the British at some point?
- Australia, despite the cries of pommy bastard, the British invented that country by sending all the people who were too delightful to be allowed to live in Britain!
- Bulgaria Multiple times on many many servers.
- New Zealand
Sadly, however, those glory days have passed. The four remaining members of the Army- Sarge, Taffy, Paddy and Scotty- are all that now stands between Britain and the rampaging hordes of 'foreigners' that threaten this green and pleasant land. However they have the might of the Royal Navy (an old fishing boat with more holes in than deck) and the Royal Air Force (Paddys elastic band powered toy plane)to help them in their efforts.
They will shortly be returning to Iraq, for George Bush's latest invasion, before declaring war on France, Spain and Romford.
'We're hopefully just there to keep the peace this time,' said Taffy to the press, 'because unfortunately we're only allowed one set of body armour between us, and it's on Paddy's back 'cos the yanks keep shooting behind us'.
But wherever they're needed, they will go, the British Army, proud, brave, true to the last. As long as the moped doesn't run out of bio-diesel.
[edit] Opportunities
The British army is currently pursuing a vigorous and highly successful TV advertsing campaign. This is to ensure that all four existing members of the army remain, and maybe, just maybe recruit a fifth... (subject to legislation, recruit may have to buy own equipment and arrange own training and transport). Some aspects of Army life as listed in said adverts are:
- Learning discipline
- Getting a uniform
- Completing qualifications
- Being abused and derided by sadistic NCO's
- Being paid less than the average spotty sub human serving burgers to fat council house tennants.
- Impressing your friends
- Visiting new parts of the world, specifically sandy ones.
- Getting laid in exotic brothels, although this tradition is a bit difficult, given that the hookers will now cut your head off and post it on youtube for your mum to see and leave comments like "NO WAYY!11 THAT WAS TOTALLY FAKED LOLZZ!!!!
- Catching a whole host of exotic STD's
- Making friends
- Shooting Jihadis, Americans and other enemies of the world
- Being subject to friendly fire from Americans
- Killing people
- The ability to pee where you stand
- Pulling fit "Totty"
[edit] Weapons
The British Army uses a wide variety of weapons, including Water Pistols, Rubber Chickens, 13.37-pounder guns and Challenger 2 Tanks captured from Salisbury Plain. Other silly weapons include the teabag, a very silly weapon indeed.Their most effective weapon, however, is the cunning British art of diplomacy. Many a dreaded foreigner has been talked to death (or if he doesn't speak English, shouted at, often with hand signals). This however has not proved particularly effective against suicide bombers, who would rather blow themselves up than listen to diplomacy... therein lies the problem.
