British

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This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

British \Brɪ'ti:ʃ\, a. Variant of brutish.

Contents 1 Diet 2 Social Structure 3 Population Distribution 4 Bitchiness 5 Language 6 Humour (This is not how the fags spell it) 6.1 American-British Communication 6.2 British-American Communication 6.3 Amusing Place-Names in Britain 7 America-Britain conflict 8 The WWII Debate with America 9 Things Britain invented, NOT Americans<--excellent grammar by the way 10 British Honours and Titles 11 See Also

[edit] Diet

The British tend to eat more lamb feet and walrus hooves than Americans. However, the obesity of the UK is increasing at an acute percentage faster than the % of those fat bastard Americans, probably because they're already obese and so the rate can't go much higher. If such common fast food restaurants, such as KFC and McDonalds, hadn't been created by those disgusting people, the British people wouldn't even have a percentage increase in obesity. The typical diet of the British is balanced, receiving all vital nutrients and minerals to keep us healthy. The British do occasionally drink beers and lagers, sometimes vigorously but mainly sensibly due to the large tax placed on each cold and delicious Pint. British people also tend to have poor teeth, and to this day remain very sore about the loss of the colonies to what now on fire. However knowing that one day, one day in the future ,whenever it may be, the British will get them back! Then all shall have to be faced with dry sense of humour and tea drinking

The British also invented "warm beer", a concoction made from a concentration of various strange plants and the colour brown. There is no tax on this, as no-one is mad enough to drink the stuff. Really, it's horrible. And brits like it in the bum, unlike Americans who prefer to sodomise themselves with a large radish while singing their national anthem backwards.

[edit] Social Structure

The British have a social structure in which a number of all female 'workers' maintain their country under the rule of the Queen. The appearance of two sexes has been created for the purpose of entertaining each other and to maintain the fashion industry, and to draw attention away from their violent disposition.

Female workers are broken into three separate types; "workers", "leaders", and "rulers" (see amazons). Though differing somewhat throughout the species, the hive structure remains relatively the same throughout the world.

Teenage sociology in Britain is complex and ruled by Prince Harry the Druggy.

[edit] Population Distribution

The British no longer inhabit Britain, as they all emigrated to such cultural bastions as Los Angeles, Melbourne and Spanish cities. These cities have vibrant British communities, each with their own "Londontown" district in which traditional cuisine is served, football hooliganism is practised, the weather is complained about and ale is quaffed. Britain was taken over in the 80s by a new people called chavs coming from a former colony, Manchestershire.

The Spanish community of British people flourishes. In Spain the British appear as bright red sun-burnt, fat bellied, tourists with stripy red and blue shirts and shorts and an idiot hat placed upon their head. They can also be easily identified by their familiar cry of "Whatchoo mean there's no fucking chips?". Ironically more British are in Spain than in Britain itself, the Spanish government has thus forced all British to move south into Gibraltar, Ibiza and Maldives. Ironically the British complain about immigrants to their country on a regular basis.

[edit] Bitchiness

'The British people are considered one of the most bitchiest types of people ever mainly because they are jealous and intimidated by America so they go on the Internet and talk trash of this and if you have read this page the only thing they have to say are that were fat, but in fact they have bad teeth and everytime we go to war they go with us but we always do a much better job then them and the world points fingers at us because America is much bigger and better and its called humor and color and Pink floyd was on our side so grow some and stop bitching or I'll be back but this time I'll be in your house... This above statement, written by an American, is not only the longest sentence ever, but in fact a prime example of why Britain dislikes America. (Who started this war?)You Brits did! A quote from an American on the subject of jealousy, which also gives a prime example of how uselessly incompetent Americans are with grammar.

"The germans did." An educated briton. Quick question anyway. When did the americans actually "help us out" in WW2?

Answer. When they got attacked! Thus showing that the americans are selfish, when we galantly march right into Iraq to help out the fricking USofA. (United my arse)

The extremer side of Brit VS Germs are when they flock to spain in the summer, and they get up extra early to put thier Ben Sherman beach towels on the sun chairs by the poolside before the other country does so, the more chairs covered with union jack towels the more we prove that the Brits are better than the Germans. Cause, that's logic. (This is practiced by the working class cheapos who go on package holidays to benidorm and voted for the BNP this election... commonly refered to as the sub species of human, Genus Chavus or Chav.)

[edit] Language

The British language is spoken in Britain and British Columbia. It's the truest form of English as God intended the language to be, unlike American "English" which is just a poor bastardisation used by those who are illiterate and those who suffer from chronic bouts of stupidity, which sums up the US quite well. British characters in films are usually played by Americans trying to imitate the superior British accents but who fail miserably, like Germany in two world wars and one world cup - all of which were well on the way to being won by the British before the arrival of Britain's unruly lovechild, the United States. The British people are also widely known for brutally attacking Americans and giving false directions to loud-mouth tosspot American tourists and sending them down the nearest council estate, where a 100% chance of being stabbed awaits them. What the British fail to realise is that as most American men are still in possession of their pre-pubescent testicles also they lack brain power, and they're just angry all their women like british guys. (unlike their pussy British counterparts), and thusly are not too bothered about a bunch of little white kids with 2-inch plastic knives as people carry GUNS in America (yes "lucky" you, you get to kill each other faster) and are relatively used to that. It should be noted that The Southmead Council Estate in Bristol has dispatched so many American tourists that the whole area has been internationally condemned for war crimes. This move is widely seen as political correctness gone mad.

There are many areas of Britain where spoken language has been completely replaced by pointing and grunting. Many people from 'Other Nations' may consider this is a retrograde step. It is however a highly efficient manner of communication and is entirely suitable for the moronic lifestyles adopted by these utter plebs, known around the world as chavs.

We Brits maybe easily pissed off, but we don't have pot bellies and crooked teeth! Plus, for our interbred American cousins, originating from the homosexual loving Mormons, Walrus don't have hooves! (Says who?)

Unlike the lazy semen-basted American version of English, which relies more on context, thoughtfulness, and actual meaning, the far superior British version is filled with archaic variations of normal words such as "whilst" and fucking "wonky". British English words are like the retarded slobbering cousins of American English words. And you can slap that on a fucking trolly and wank down to fucking bollocks (LOL! They say ballocks) boulevard you fucking tit. faggot

British people also have funny accents that make the sound like a demented version of the leprachan in the lucky charm commercials.

There are a few things wrong with the above sentence. Let's discuss. Aside from humor, this sentence is also lacking proper grammar in a couple of areas. First, "British people also have funny accents THAT make the[sic] sound..." should actually be "British people also have funny accents WHICH make the[sic] sound..." and so on. "Demented version" should be pluralized... that would be "demented versions". "Leprechaun" is misspelled. There is no such cereal called "lucky charm"... If you are referring to Lucky Charms, you need to add an "S", that's the squiggly letter, and capitalize the first letter of each word (to capitalize means to make bigger, basically). Also, please do not misuse the term "demented". For something or someone to be a "demented version" of something or someone else, some sort of cognitive decay, or dementia, would need to occur. This cognitive decay is found predominantly in the elderly community, and more accurately in Alzheimer's sufferers. "Demented" is not the same thing as "crazy" or "bizarre". So, in review. Less is generally more, in terms of humor (humour).

• OR, HOW ABOUT; There's no such thing as the British accent. Unless you live in the UK, you probably have no idea how many variants there are, you twat. "The English accent is so handsome in a man... *blah blah talks more shit.*" Which English accent, you wouldn't want a scouse serenading you. "Chh'mon chich I'll take yus doon the poob."

[edit] Humour (This is not how the fags spell it)

'The British population is proud of how evolutionally superior they are to the Americans. Their sense of humour is most usually expressed in international sporting events where comedians traditionally take the place of prostitutes. Conversely, the famed TV series Monty Python's Flying Circususususus was written and performed by three croquet teams from Spottern Womad, a small village near Penge, and not the bunch of over-advantaged arts graduates copping on to the end of the satire boom as is widely believed.

It is a known fact that the Americans steal British comedy shows just to try get a laugh from it. For example, the office (USA version); that fucking piece of American crap isn't even funny. The only person who laughs at that shit is my little brother, seems hes got the same size brain as your dumb fuck Americans to actually get your stupid jokes!

The British have also made the bashing of people from the United States a popular pastime. It started after they were beat into oblivion by an-entire-country-turned-colonial-rebel army, even though half of the country was on Britains side (and a massive French army,spanish army and dutch army but shush........).It's amazing just how badly such a strong country (which was 4 months travel away oops shush dont tell any one that....) got beat by a bunch of farmers, and now Britain is just a little island which Hawaii could beat. They began to feel insecure about themselves especially having been the world power at the time and they changed their accents to what is now named British English. They also decided to attack the people who hurt their feelings. See United States of America for a good laugh."

By the vile traitor, Ricky Gervais, who has been exiled from Britain for inflicting the U.S. version of "The Office" upon the world.

[edit] American-British Communication

"You may have heard a Brit talking once or twice, and mistook it for a vulture with a lung impalement or a walrus during mating season. You may find yourself at a party when a Brit enters the room - someone naively asks 'where's the pile of crumpets?' and you, embarrassingly, are the last to say 'in the pub! Pip pip cheerio and all that'.

A Brit's presence can be detected within a quarter-mile radius, and things will only get worse if one attempts to communicate with you. However, they are classed as Buck Tooth McBuck Tootherson and are thus deemed irrelevant. An American, on the other hand, has the innate ability to hide his ego presence through a mask of dry sarcasm and self-deprecation and as such can remain hidden up to as little as five feet away. Furthermore, if not sufficiently prepared, communication with a Brit (except by the French, who have an equal lack of intelligence) can lead to liquification and seepage of the brain through the ears and anus. This effect is not to be confused with the same sort of seepage that occurs daily to an "American" where a diet of fat and George Bush's shit seeps from the body of the being.

When approached by an inferior being, known as an American, you will lose in what they call "an intellectual checkmate". Given an Americans idea of intellect however, this is actually winning to you or I. The Brit will utterly thrash the American and 9 out of 10 people pass out at this point, causing more awkwardness and a possible international incident as Britain points out that the Americans would not have won the Second World War if it weren't for them with a little bit of help from Russia. See The WWII Debate with America. The American will then respond that England has no natural resources as, millions of year ago, England was dubbed "Lame Central" by the dinosaurs. Oddly enough, the only dinosaurs known to inhabit the island at the time are "Nerdasauruses", characterized largely by their great, tumor-like buck teeth. You should just smile and nod at this point. It's how most of the world deals with the Americans.

A fantastic example of Americans' attempts at humour- see also Joan Rivers or Shit

[edit] British-American Communication

Like your vowels mispronounced? Your words spelt like they sound? (how utterly ridiculous!) And your chin(s) to dance whilst speaking? The United States of Arrogance wants you!

Since the Fox Hunting Ban which allowed the honourable gentleman to peacefully fend of Yankee TV through the polite use of guns, horses and angry dogs (Thankfully, Parliament has legalised Chav hunting, a fun method of pest control), American phrases such as "Extra Extra Extra Large" and "being popular means everything" have swept through the island. Worse hit was the Isle of Wight. The island is ripe with large, juicy fatties. Acess to the island has been restricted to aid workers so that the fast spreading disease does not destroy all the tea in Britain. The French can come and go as they please as the slimey food that they eat acts as protection from Americanitis. No worries though; the extra weight of the infected will cause the island to sink from the East. Tally-ho.

Should a non Briton (there are apparently a few around) find him or herself in the vicinity of an American and a Briton there may be the perverse temptation to watch the two interact. This is a mistake. Despite what will always initially appear to be a friendly rapport between the two (Britons are polite, Americans stupid) this will invaribly break down into an argument concerning the many wars Britain and America partake in together from time to time (both sides have for reasons unknown since the war of independence proven physically incapable of actually fighting one another), a discussion of the (often true) stereotypes each hold of the other or that most dreaded of topics: Z or C? There is no middle ground on this issue. All will perish. The interaction will rapidly degenerate into a conversation best described as "Idiotically schizophrenic" an admirable feat considering this event requires two people.

Actually listening will erupt either derision or depression in any neutral listener. How did this buck toothed, corn chewing ale gulper oppress and subjugate a quarter of the worlds surface and successfully hand over the reins to this chubby mildly retarded, fat food eating, flag toting xenophobe? How did my culture get bastardised by McDonalds and democracy? Best avoided.

[edit] Amusing Place-Names in Britain

The British enjoy giving their towns and villages silly names, such as the hilarious Penistone in Yorkshire. Some other examples include:

• Ugley (Essex)
• Nasty (Hertfordshire)

Note: The two villages above are situated very closely to one another. Naturally, British newspapers have a great time printing headlines such as "Ugley woman marries Nasty man." However, they rarely get a chance due to the inbreeding commonly practised in British rural areas - marriages tend to only occur between people who have lived their entire lives in the same village and are closely related.

• Shithole (Nuneaton)

Blubberhouses (North Yorks)

• Gaywood (King's Lynn)
• Ignorantville (England)
• Flash (Derbyshire)
• Cat Brain (Bristol)
• Dog Village (Devon)
• Elephant's Creek (Scotland)
• Twatencuntser (Winehouse Vag)
• Crank (Merseyside)
• Indian Queens (Cornwall)
• Pity Me (Durham)
• Stabville (Croydon)
• Wetwang (Bridlington)
• Brown Willy (Cornwall)
• Lord Berkely's Knob (Sutherland)
• Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire)
• Thong (Kent)
• Twatt (Orkney)
• Snobb (Surrey)
• Boysack (Tayside)
• Cockermouth (Somewhere down south)
• Acaster Malbis (Yorkshire)
• Willey (Shropshire)
• Aunk (Devon)
• Cockermouth (Cumbria)
• Pratt's Bottom (London)
• Bottom Flash (Merseyside)
• Shitterton (Dorset)
• Chipping Sodbury (Gloucestershire)
• Vomitham (Hampshire)
• Crappingley (London)
• King's Bell End (Staffordshire)
• Cockfosters (Piccadilly)
• Picadelly (London)
• Pusey (Oxfordshire)
• Lolsworth (somewhere down south)
• Shottingham (Nottingham)

In fact, this practice is regarded with such amusement by the general public, that the best examples were collected into a book: Rude Britain is now available from all good booksellers.

[edit] America-Britain conflict

One of the main topics in a Brit/American argument is the revolutionary war, where America declared independance, many Americans seem to be of the belief that a tiny group of heroic freedom fighters won the war, this is not true. Many Brits believe that the British forces were greatly outnumbered and undersupplied, true, to a degree, but exaggerated.

Conclusion:- The American revolution was won quite fairly by the Americans, advantage or no advantage, war is war. (Did any of you fight in the American revolution? No? Then you did not kick Britains ass, your ancestors won a war, NOT YOU!) Americans will never admit it but without the help of the French they would not have won the war of independence. And a German had sneaked on the the throne in England to help them out too. Not only this but, and again Wikipedia has helped us out on this one, the British actually let the Americans win because the Carribean, yes that's right that insignificant bunch of islands, were more valuable to them. So there we have it. America, you won a war with the French on your side, and only then because we couldn't be bothered to fight back. Try and undermine the greatness of the British Empire will you? Fail.

General Insults:- There is a large amount of conflict between the two countries, I've spent a great deal of time researching the most common stereotypes involved in insults.

The common internet using Brit is of the opinion that each and every American (Yank) is Obese, stupid, gullible, disloyal, triggerhappy, cowardly, self obsessed and lacking wit.

The common internet using American holds strong the belief that all British are upperclass, live on a strict diet of tea and crumpets, "bitches", male, have an outrageous accent, eccentric (A lot of us are fucking eccentric though, most people i know are) and "holier then thou". You better believe it.

In all my experiences I have never (Face to face) met a Brit or an American that is anything on that list, except perhaps Males Brits and Gullible Americans.

Glad to help

Trans-American-(Only too glad to offer my assistance old bean, toodle pip) Trans-Brit-(No problem man, let's go get burgers and call varied people bitches)

Unfortunately, the Britain-USA conflict has lead to division of 'sub-humour' developing, in which nationals of the two countries bombard eachother with various 'jokes' to 'humourous' 'effect'. The jokes can span a galaxy of wit, though more commonly involve dentistry or stupidity. Examples of this sub-humour can be seen above, below, and indeed including this sentence.

You forgot about how bad Brits teeth are and how much jealous they are of America, because last time I checked I was in the Revolutionary War because in 1459 I had built me a fountain of youth thus I cannot die but live for eternity. Since I cannot die I went to America (cuz its the best palce ever) and I helped them win the war and all those photos of that general that nobody remembers his name? Yeah, thats me.

[edit] The WWII Debate with America

While not eating themselves to death, the American fat bastards have collected enough brain cells to argue that the reason Britain is not speaking German is because of them (The zero help in fighting the Battle of Britain was substantial). However, they do seem to forget that the real reason was because Russia was fucking owning Germany with their much superior forces(because a 1:5 kill death ratio is positivly astounding, and the Americans having preoccupied about a million Germans had absoultly nothing to do with it, infact the mere notion is positivly absourd). Average Americans find this very offensive - since Russia have more nukes than America. This is the most offensive realisation to an American - and can be compared with losing the "Who's the fattest bastard" competition that occurs in many American households.

Americans also seem to forget that it is the British that have layed the foundations for such a great Economy. It is a shame that all of this wealth has been wasted on food and an average American's favourite meal - Whale with a side order of Iraqi women and children.

It is extremely notable that Nuclear Missiles look like dicks. The fact that both America and Russia seem to have locked it in thier heads that absolute pissloads of these missiles are needed would seem that both countries are compensating for something. Possibly the fact they take it up the arse.

[edit] Things Britain invented, NOT Americans<--excellent grammar by the way

• Imperialism
• Television
• Personal hygiene
• Improper oral hygiene
• Telephone
• Manners
• THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: ie: JagUar. U. IT'S NOT A FUCKING W YOU TWATS (tuats)
• The Jet Engine
• The Toothbrush - not currently used by the British, but invented by them.
• Vaccines
• Broke the Enigma (honestly, Polish broke the Enigma, but who cares?)
• Appeasement
• How to win WW2 Honestly and Chivalrously, the Guide
• Normal Comedy
• THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
• Gravity
• Evolution
• your mum <--fucking British people!
• The teletubbies (orginally a secret super irritating soldier experiment, they escaped)
• Heavy Metal
• Rock
• Monty Python
• How to insult Americans British style, the guide
• The Beatles(suck), The Rolling Stones(suck), Led Zeppelin(sucks), The Who(sucks), Pink Floyd(sucks), Queen(sucks...literally), Elton John(sucks...literally), David Bowie(sucks), Iron Maiden(sucks), Status Quo(doesn't exist), The Smiths(suck hard), Sex Pistols(suck), The Clash(sucks), Duran Duran(sucks), Def Leppard(sucks, except with strippers), Muse(sucks), Placebo(sucks), The Cure(sucks), Depeche Mode(sucks), The Stone Roses(suck), Oasis(sucks), Blur(sucks), Radiohead(sucks), Coldplay(sucks horribly), Kaiser Chiefs(not so bad), The Darkness(sucks), Bloc Party(sucks), Snow Patrol(sucks), Editors(suck), Arctic Monkeys(suck), Underworld(sucks), Orbital(sucks), Massive Attack(sucks), The KLF(sucks), The Prodigy(sucks), Basement Jaxx(sucks), The Chemical Brothers(suck), Groove Armada(sucks), Aphex Twin(pretty good) and Portishead(not so bad). (and america offers... the disney franchise)
• NOT 9/11

[edit] British Honours and Titles

• CMG
• HRH
• HMS
• BBC
• ITV
• ASBOSSS

[edit] See Also

• Limeys
• Scoff
• Americans
• Amazing
• Scotch
• Taffies

Americans Spoiling and nicking everything! We blame Americans, for stealing and marketing almost all of our stuff.

Lightbulb, Edison? What! No, 11 months too late, after Joseph Swan, but it gets more confusing here, because a German made a light bulb even earlier, let's say it didn't happen.

The super sonic plane. Americans arranged an exchange, with Britain, then nabbed our research, to build their own plane, after testing proved succsesful for the Birts, in 1943: but we're casual about it, the fat nabbing bastards!