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“These motherfucking Brits feed me to fuck their blondes!”
~ Salman Rushdie on Brits
“One day, you will realise, that we are the better cooks!”
~ The French on Brits

Oh, don't be silly, you've not actually burnt the roast again, have you?

Brits are old yet superior Scandinavians/French/Germans/Dutch/Irish/Italians/Poles/Africans/Muslims/Indians who inhabit a small island off the coast of Wales. They are generally considered to be arrogant creatures apart from those who inhabit Britain's less famous suburb known as Wales. However, the Welsh are blissfully unaware of most things, including the fact that they are British. For some reason, all 'Merkins assume British people have terrible teeth, and are usually bewildered to discover they have shockingly good dental hygene, unlike ol' Billy-Bob-McMoonshine who only has one tooth which belongs inside a racoon.


Looking at the world map, with the prime meridian in the centre (we put it there because we invented time and we can put the line where the fuck we want to), we can see that Britain is in the centre and at the top; this is necessary to keep an eye on all you foreigners.

Britain suffers from huge earthquakes, volcanoes, destructive tornadoes and hurricanes, because God shits on Satan's garden.

Brits are extraterrestrial yet inferior Scotsmen/Irishmen/Frenchies/Mexicans/Pakistanis/Indians/Iraqis/Iranians/Japs/Chinks/Koreans/Somalians/Nigerians/Zulus who were created as a part of a hybridisation program by G(r)ay aliens to take over Earth and begin anew the colonialisation of this realm


All Brits are the demonic offspring of the incest inbreeding between "G(r)ay" Aliens and Hitler's Bitch......Live with THAT , motherfuckers.

Anyway, let me get to the point :

I've been through dimensions and realms killing anything that seems even remotely English ( Better not try to act smart with your fucking English accent >:D ) and now I've set my sights on Earth.I'll slay any and every Englishman who crosses my path.That's just how I roll...or troll , whatever , WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY?!

There isn't a single Brit on the face of the Earth who can stand up to my might!

So you wanna know how such vile alien scum is living right among us , masquerading as over-polite,goody little two-shoes,Oxford-educated,tea-sipping,seemingly innocuous bastards?Well then.....THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

It all started when a random Jap Yaoi fanboy watched Ancient Aliens and decided to "Reach out to our celestial brethren".........

For 13 years, he wanked with his cock pointing straight at Orion's Belt(or somewhere below it).He had lost all hope..and semen..when he suddenly beheld a shining disc descend directly above him and beam him up.He was then subjected to rigorous anal probing by the G(r)ays and Fox Mulder , who proceeded to document it and make a crappy reality show called "The SeX-Files".

The G(r)ays then brought in Justin Bieber , whom they had similarly abducted and forced the Jap to give him a blowjob.Next,they tried to extract and harvest sperm from the Jap , but were infuriated when they couldn't even find a drop,so they inseminated him with a random Nigga's sperm as well as Lindsay Lohan's eggs...then they merged him with reptilian and insectoid DNA...then they placed the mojo of Hitler’s Mini-Me clone in his foetus,and finally he conceived a hybrid spawn within 2 days and that became THE VERY FIRST ENGLISHMAN.

There you have it , every race around the world has its very own "Creation Mythology" , so why not give the Brits one too?

The first Brit , and the most awkward and geeky of his kind , immediately raped Psy after watching an Opera Gangnam Strip club scene.What the Brit could never have fathomed was that Psy had been raped by hudreds of other celebrities , including the likes of Michael Jackson,John Xena,Britney Spears,Jessica Simpson,Ian McKellen,Steven "Seagull",Sylvester Stallion,Mike Myers,"Flava-Flav",Morgan Freenigger,Andy"Gollum"Serkis,Bald Willis and Justin Bieber(well,duh....)

Psy's offspring then had genetic traits of all the aforementioned and was,coincidentally,female.So the Brit,incest bastard that he was(aren't they all?)raped his own daughter,who bore him 3 abominations of indeterminable gender and thus became the progenitor of a race of HYBRID ALIEN SATANIC NEPHILIM TROLLSPAWN BIOCURIOUS MIDGET WANKERS , more simply known as "BRITS".

The Original Brit then planned to mate with his own offspring, in order to further strengthen his genetic bloodline.However,they got wind of his plans and escaped.Oh yeah,right,I forgot tell you their names.They were Merlin,Guinivere and Napoleon.Despite being lesbian,Guinivere consented to have sex with Napoleon as long as he let Merlin live with them.Guinivere had a fine son named Farthur,who rose up against his tyrannical father and exiled him out of England.Napoleon then plotted to return to power and have his vengeance by creating his own race of Frenchmen through raping Bullfrogs-hence the name "Froggies".

With no one to stop him ,Farthur raped his own mother and formally married her.She begot a son who was forevermore remembered as Saint George of the Jungle.Legend tells of his exploits,which involved travelling to Egypt and usurping King Tut's throne by making it appear as though a dragon was terrorising the city,although new forensic evidence has brought to light the shocking revelation that he was in cahoots with the dragon(Just watch "Dragonheart",you dumbass).He then became Pope and sent some drunken Irishmen to his father Farthur,telling him what a swell idea it would be to have his own little men's club called the Knights of the Round Table.Saint George lived the rest of his years in peace,except for the occasional crusades that aimed to obliterate all Muslim-kind,as Merlin had foreseen the future and had realized the threat of terrorism in the distant years.However,his legacy lived on forever in the Illuminati,who knew his extraterrestrial origins and guarded his secrets with their lives, ever-awaiting the return of their otherworldly ancestors.....

Meanwhile,Farthur and Merlin conspired and planned to conquer the world,starting with the rest of Europe.The English,who had multiplied faster than fruit-flies due to inbreeding,assembled a mighty army and conquered Scotland.They won primarily due to their longbows,which were fashioned from the wood of yew trees and strung together by their pubic hair.Constant and irksome rebellions arose,led by William Wallace aka Mel Gibson aka Chuck Norris aka ME.One accurate account describes Farthur watching on helplessly while William Wallace brutally rapes his son Longshanks' wife,who then gave birth to a bastard son Edmund Longshanks,who in turn had a faggot named General Cornwallis who expanded the British rule to many parts of Europe,India,America,Australia,even to the far reaches of Africa.Cornwallis faced an unexpected crisis in India when he had a scandal that involved him giving a half-naked,bald old man named Gandhi a blowjob.He was kicked out of India,along with all the other Brits,which led to the country's liberation.He faced a similar humiliation in America when he lost the war due to contracting AIDS after raping Aperaham Lincoln(And they say AIDS came from MONKEYS >.> )

However,the Brits had set up a decent number of colonies throughout Africa,and they planned to gather more power to slowly "colonialise" Earth and make way for the arrival of their true alien forefathers.Fortunately for the human race,they got their butts kicked all the rest of the way and had to settle for a bunch of crappy provinces called the United Kingdom.Having no remaining choice,they feigned peace with the human race by speaking in over-polite accents and gradually convincing the rest of the world to adopt English as the common tongue..."If you can't conquer 'em , corrupt 'em !"

TRUST NO ONE…….Well,especially not an Englishman.

To this day no one can imagine what made mankind choose the language of some alien filth who can't bear saying "mom" instead of "mum" and "butt" instead of "bottom".And what sort of fag would pronounce the word Blimey as "Bloy-me"?Really,it beats me.It defies all HUMAN understanding.Apart from having sluts like Margaret Thatcher as Prime Ministers,it comes as no surprise that their ministers are also gays who have come out of the closet and gotten involved in notorious sex scandals.Believe it or not,the Brits have somehow managed to infiltrate each and every covert government group,and are responsible for all the cover-ups and shady operations involving UFO activity and physical evidence of Extraterrestial Intelligence.They seek to keep humans in the dark so as to take us by surprise when the aliens come to take over this planet and destroy all life as we know it.Never put your faith in the FBI(Faggoty British Intelligence) or SETI(Sexual Enhancement Troll Insects),because they…

                                                “DENY EVERYTHING”

The English film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millennia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforece to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(REAL ALIEN ZOMBIES) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.A film called”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while butt-raping Gerard. Are we alone in this Universe….?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it….Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake hairdo.

                                             I WANT TO BELIEVE

The Brits' most recent but failed attempt at world domination was hiring a whore named J.K Rowling to pervert the minds of children with her novels of Harry Potty and his escapades in Fagwarts School of Bitchcraft and Faggotry.It was a global mind-control tactic that made kids turn on their elders(kinda like "Children of the Corn",only this was all about porn instead).However,when Dumbledore was finally revealed to be a fairy and the movies ended despite attempts to prolong them by making the last one a two-part film,the Harry Potty craze ended and all the children turned on the Brits instead,demanding more!A plan that completely backfired and yet another failed attempt at taking over Earth!

                                               SUCK ON THAT , BRITS !!!!!!

And what of the Original Brit???That SOB who started it all?!

Being the first of his kind,he bears the blessing/curse of immortality.It is rumoured that the only weapon that can do him any harm is the fabled sword Excalibur,forged in the fires of Mordor and tempered in the sperm of a thousand trolls,aye,the very same legendary blade that was used to slay the Hydra,Leviathan,Bigfoot,Nessie,Snooki,The Big Show and so on.And as for his identity,he has used countless names over the ages,but you'll know him more popularly as Mr.Bean......

The English film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millennia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforece to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(with real cyborg zombies)) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.A film called”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while butt-raping Gerard. Are we alone in this Universe….?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it….Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake & gay hairdo.


A trait unique to all Englishmen is their piety.Noboody's atheist-that's the beauty of England.All Brits believe in some form of higher power.The percentages of worshippers are as listed below:

32% Brits are devout followers of Hinduism and are Spiritual Sex-Slaves of the one and only Mahatma Gandhi.Through him,they aspire to attain the ultimate level of enlightment and sexual salvation by castrating themselves to expiate all desires of the mortal flesh.Little do they know that Gandhi is none other than the reincarnation of Gollum......

15% Brits worship Satan and other dark powers.These Brits appear normal and even more polite than usual Brits,always good-natured smiling chaps,but you'll soon notice odd stuff like manicured lawns in the shape of the Pentagram and an Oujja board along with their Lego and scrabble.

21% Brits worship their namesake Britney Spears and masturbate ritualistically while listening to her pathetic melody"I think I farted again".

44% Brits engage in rigorous alien worship , where they create their own crop-circles in open fields and light bonfires while screaming for their creators,the G(r)ay aliens, to return.

18% Brits worship Stephen Hawking,due to his awkwardness and overall geekiness,which are admirable traits in any self-respecting Englishman.

25% Brits worship Dalai Lama,famed and renowned throughout the Universe for being the founder of the Adult Film Industry. Need I go into the specifics?

What?!The total percentage adds up to more than a hundred?

Well,that's not hard to explain.The fact of the matter is,even as you're reading this,more Brits are being spawned through genetic cloning and Inbreeding.Why,even before you could say "Tinder and Flint" , there are precisely 666 more Brits being extracted from the DNA Cloning chambers,ready to make this world a worse place to live in.

England is undisputedly the most haunted country on Earth...ever wondered how or why England is so famous for paranormal hot spots?

Brits,being neither human nor quite alien,but instead a bizarre misbegotten hybrid of both,simply have nowhere to go after they die.Unlike Japs,Brits DO have a soul,well,if you call it that anyway.Neither Heaven nor Hell wants them because they weren't meant to be...and they just don't fit in anywhere.Thus,Brits are condemned to an existence of eternal Purgaytory after they die and are compelled to co-exist with the living while having a swell time haunting the crap of foreign kids and tourists who have a thing for creepy old gothic mansions.It is widely believed that the deceased far outnumber the living in England,aye,and with good reason too.

The Good People of England have several genetic deformities such as overlong drooping faces,high cheekbones,hooked beak-like noses,uni-brows,copious growths of hair at the sides of their faces and yeah, NO NECKS.This had been the subject of much intellectual debate among scholars over the decades until it was revealed that these were merely the side-effects of their nation-wide inbreeding program.

England's military during the middle ages consisted of longbowmen,billmen and knights whom everyone ridiculed due to the dank , hollow sound they made by farting in their own armour.

Beverages exclusive to England include Butterbeer,Firewhisky,Hog's mead,Hop-Scotch,Dale ale,Fag-gin,rum,cum and stale putrid golden piss.


The British invented everything from TVs to the aeroplane. Yes, those inbred colonials across the pond might mumble something about the so-called "Wright Brothers", but the fact is a lad called John Stringfellow was flying planes 10 years before those two hillbillies were born. The British also invented the computer, the airliner, the aircraft carrier, the steam catapult, your human rights, the steam locomotive, the match, the single piece incandescent light bulb (sorry yanks, Edison was 20 years too late), the subway train, heavy metal, any classic rock band, movies, good acting, the electric motor, wire rope, wallpaper, rifled guns, domestic electrification, domestic abuse, radar, castles, the jet engine and humour to name a few. As such the British can afford to sit back smugly and have everything else made for them.

However, the British often lay claim to inventions they did not actually invent because for some reason they see themselves as masters of all their chubby hands can reach. Tea, considered the most English of all English things, was actually stolen when the English gave vast amounts of Opium to the Chinese and ran in and stole all their tea in exchange in what was known as the 'Great Opium/Tea Heist/Boxer Rebellion'.

The claim laid by the British that they invented the Army Tank has no basis to it whatsoever. It was invented by a convict in Australia. When the convict proposed to have an "Awesome armoured vehicle of great PWNage to destroy those fackin' Nazis" and submitted designs, the British thought this a preposterous idea and went back to grooming their moustaches. The convict then gave these designs to the 'Great Convict Council' (Parliament House), who then created a model. When they submitted this to a large general of the British army with a particularly amazing moustache, the General said "The Aussie chaps have done it!" However, he ran off with model and never was seen again. The British were then seen producing these later when their moustaches told them that a large armoured vehicle was exactly what they needed.


Brits have numerous, but unimaginative dishes - some examples are "Boiled pea soup", "Boiled Potato Soup", "Boiled Spinach Soup", "Boiled Pumpkin Soup", "Boiled Water Soup", "Boiled 'boiled soup' Soup", “Boiled 'Beans on toast' Soup” and “boiled meat with boiled vegetables and brown gravy. 'Soup'”. All come with a side order of lifetime obesity, and an urge to stand in a queue.

Brown sauce aka HP Sauce or 'daddies' can kill an American. It has ginger and chilli and other exotic spicy ingredients, many of which are also healthy - this is the reason why it is fatal to Americans, who will go into shock upon eating anything remotely healthy.

Caution! British food, while practically perfect, can be exotic to the inexperienced (i.e Septic) traveller. The Americans believe there is no equivalent phrase in the British language for the French “Bon appetit”, which just shows how ignorant some people can be.

Their favorite food of all is the black spotted dick which you can find just about anywhere in England.



A typical British woman waiting for a bus in Scunthorpe.

British Women fit into three catagories: 'Ugliest Women in the World' (75%); 'The Most Beautiful Women in the World' (12%); and men dressed as woman (3%)... there is no middle ground. Most other women tend to be jealous of the class and appearance of the British female and it has to be said - who can blame them? The famous ones look like Keira Knightley, Kate Winslet, Rachel Weisz, Kate Beckinsale, Emma Watson, and Helena Bonham Carter, so it is no surprise that men worldwide are salivating over the opportunity to meet them. Unfortunately, most look like Jade Goody on a bad day or Margaret Thatcher, so care is best exercised when dating via the interwebs, or retirement homes. Or graves.


Face203 203x152

Mr. British first thing in the morning before the visit of his valet.

British men fall into two categories; gay or in the closet. The country struggles to repopulate itself as a result, although regular visits from Johnny Foreigner means that the national gene pool has been augmented over the centuries. Some notable contributors include Johnny Viking, Giovanni Eyetie and of course the bastard French. You too can help this struggling country by making a deposit! Please come over here and come over here.

Grooming is vitally important to the British man (aka Wooster), and he will typically spend up to twenty-five minutes on his daily hygiene routine, usually assisted by his manservant or valet (aka Jeeves.) A cold shower (preferably out-of-doors) is followed by a brisk rub-down with a scratchy towel and then a shave with a blunt razor. Liberal quantities of Brylcreem (a kind of hair dressing made from pig fat) are applied to the freshly-tonsured locks. The British man is then ready to be dressed, be it in the finest tweed suit or a pair of Union Jack shorts and an “I'm With Stupid” t-shirt. However, this idea of grooming is extremely new (with the exception of moustache grooming), with showers only recently being introduced into Britain; many natives distrust this new technology.


Thomas Hardy

Thomas Hardy's killer moustache. Powered by tea.


Earl Kitchener's World War I soupstrainer.

Prior to the discovery of Tea (1067 AD), the Brits were pwned repeatedly for centuries by all-comers in a series of invasions. The Brit eventually came to understand the importance of a strong navy, an elite, trained army, and drinking eight cups of milky tea every day. Years of experimenting with various kinds of facial hair led eventually to the development of the military moustache, with which they successfully invaded three quarters of the Earth's surface. Since then, the Brits have been at war at one time or another with pretty much everyone leaving a trail of slaughter and despair across most of the world. Unlike the Americans though, they accomplished this with real charm and a sense of style.

Britain's most effective weapon of choice was Thomas Hardy's moustache. It is believed that this moustache could wipe out an entire legion of Roundheads with a single twitch.

Although Winston Churchill did not himself possess a moustache, historians believe that he was able to defeat Hitler just by sounding as though he could grow a beauty if he wanted to.


For years everybody in Britain had a place assigned to them at birth in the highly-regimented class system, which looked like this.

  • The Queen (or it may have been a king, or in the case of James VI, both),
  • Her posse; Lords, Dukes etc. Fabulously wealthy, lived in palaces.
  • Knights, bishops, castles and prawns. Filthy rich, lived in nice houses with double-glazing and off-street parking.(and a moped in the garage for weekday shopping trips)
  • Everybody else, no money at all, who lived in fields, hedges and ditches.

President Blair Witch I outlawed the class system in the 1980s, and “class” became a dirty word, much like “fuck” or “arsehole”. Despite these efforts, remnants of the system can be seen today. Or even “bollocks”. As of the year 2009 the class system in Britian goes:

Im so british

A Brit experiencing one of the country's infamous STD's.

  • 1337s
  • The Queen.
  • Premiership footballers.
  • Reality TV presenters
  • Merchant Bankers, although not as much now.
  • The BNP
  • Chavs.
  • Normal people, still with no money.
  • [[Chelsea Fans)
  • The Young Ones
  • Manchester United fans
  • Noob Tubers
  • Cock-knees
  • Scousers
  • Uncyclopedia editors

However, due to the recent rise in power of the Barbarian Warlord; David the Snooty, the class system has become a lot more like the original feudal system, albeit with some minor differences:

  • Laura Yorke - she's pretty much been done by everyone in Britain.
  • Immigrants (Both legal and illegal) - Allowed to move from various countries and are granted giant houses, dayum-good sports cars and about £500,000 per family member.
  • The Etonian Horde (currently hold power in the small Welsh village of London)
  • Upper-class knobs who don't do anything for the country, besides sit at a computer all day pretending to work.
  • Celebs (Singers, Models, Footballers and dumb women who were on Big Brother to be precise)
  • Chavs
  • The Middle Classes, (Yep, they're still poor)
  • Livestock
  • Fearne Britton
  • Mentally Disabled Children
  • Fearne Cotton
  • Dogs
  • Dirt
  • Racists
  • Wayne Rooney
  • Jeremy Kyle (also known by his rapping name, Jezza K)
  • Bruce Forsyth (also known by his raping name, Jimmy Savile)

Be warned that different social classes speak different varieties of English. It is worth remembering that when gently asked "to step outside for a bout of fisticuffs" by a "toff", he is planning to smash your face in. When told "I'm gonna smash ur face in, bruv" you should know that whatever lowly prole is threatening you is probably sozzled and that you really, really shouldn't have called him a poof.

Fat man
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