From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Official nickname||Pistol City|
|Official language(s)||Gert Bristolian Init|
|Opening hours||8:30am - 9:45pm|
“Bristol is a very well built city. The pavements have been cemented and then nailed into the floor, and there are ships in the docks that are two hundred years old.”
Bristol (English: i/ˈbrɪstəl/, Bristolian: Brizzle, my lurve), is the capital of the West Country, and is perhaps best known for being the city where breasts were invented, but has also enjoyed a rich heritage of many things with self buoyancy including tall ships and slaves.
Running through the centre of the city is the River Avon, a waterway filled with cider which for thousands of years has kept the entire population in a state of continuous inebriation allowing them to interbred sufficiently to create a entirely new sub species of human called "Bristolians".
As a port town with a such a rich history of international trade in Negroes and tobacco Bristol has recently converted several local brothels into museums in order to house all the historical artefacts recovered by mayor Tony Robinson.
There is evidence of settlement in the Bristol area from the Palaeolithic era, with 60,000 year old cider tankard found in Shirehampton, and there are Iron Age hill forts near the city, which would have been inhabited by an equal mix of men, women, and Bristoleans.
It is said that a name similar to Bristol was first used in reference to a man called "Brizzel" who was involved in and won the world's first ever punch which took place in the area now known as Broadmead in the centre of the city. In approximately 100BC, during the time when the Roman Baths were being constructed in nearby Cardiff, the Romans changed the name of the then small fishing village to "Brissoleum" and forced them to build aqueducts.
edit Separation from Wales
In 1794 Sir John Roache began his epic task of separating Wales from Bristol entirely with a fruit knife forming what is now known as the Bristol channel. Today large fans are still employed on both coastlines in an effort to push the two further apart.
edit Independence from England
As the capital city of the West Country Bristol became independent from England in 2010 following the general election of David Cameron when the entire population rose up, took control of government buildings and refused to follow instructions from a man who was obviously such a complete idiot. Tony Robinson (a Stalinist) took command after a coalition government formed around him.
Whilst many turn a blind eye to the obvious Stalinist agenda of Tony Robinson, it appears unlikely that his political power will be challenged in the near future.
edit Notable Employers and Businesses
- MOD - Abbey Wood - 20,000 employed at Tony Robinson's Top Secret Military high command, and Headquarters.
- ASDA - various locations - noted for clientèle who have been banned from every other superstore, except Iceland. Customers are generally known for their good bodily hygiene and top fashion sense.
- BA/Airbus/GKN - Came to light after its success in building aeroplanes for historic village demolition in WW2, and now builds wings for paper darts. The last flying Concorde is parked at Filton Airfield, which is primed up and ready to fly, despite appearances should Tony Robinson need to be evacuated at short notice.
- Call Centres - For those who failed their A Levels.
- Civil Service - For those who failed their GCSEs.
Bristol is home to the famous Hippodrome theatre, and the Colston Hall and Carling Academy which is attended by parents of multi-coloured children who have been left home alone for the evening while they watch low budget versions of west end plays. Bristol has a great many exciting nightclubs, discotheques, and bars, all of which are used by the locals to get "Mashed Up".
edit Notable Areas & Places
Bristol is of course a place, but few people realise that it is composed largely of places itself. Many of these places enjoy a geographical relationship with the other places that surround them, and in some case intersect, or otherwise touch them intimately.
- Withywood - South of Bristol, Withywood Community School was torn down due to the smell that was left by the students that graduated in 2005.
- Southmead - Ironically to the north of the city, just by the Robison wells is the lovely, hard working, and friendly people of Southmead, in lovely surroundings.
- University of the West of England (UWE) - Usually known as 'University of Where Exactly?' is based somewhere on the M32 and is a former Polytechnic and proud. It was downgraded to university status in 1992. Its student population is made up mostly of public school drop outs. The most popular course being 'University Studies'.
- University of Bristol- The University of Bristol is made up of those public school drop outs whose parents had enough money to purchase their children a house in Clifton to live in while the study. Coupled with their large disposable incomes and lack of common sense University of Bristol students provide the majority of income for the local population of Bristol.
- College Green - The main place for skaters, goths and emos to pretend they are more depressed than they really are and is also where the Bristol Council live. I once saw a girl take a shit on the pavement by College Green. As far as I know she wasn't a goth or an emo, and I doubt she worked for the council, but she did do a substantial-sized shit on the pavement in the early evening sun. I think she was on a hen night, as she had a squawking clique around her egging her on. Also, I saw a tramp fight there the other day.
- Piss Alley - This is a short alleyway that runs from just opposite the Bunch of Goths pub on Denmark Street and emerges by the Hippodrome on the centre. Visiting dignitaries are always invited to be horribly sick in this location at 02:00 in the morning on a cold November evening. This is an honour that few would refuse and in fact many of Bristol's ordinary residents emulate this act while dreaming of being important enough to be invited to do so.
- Bedminster - aka 'bemmy' Location - South of the river and famous for Bristol City Football club, ASDA (yes really) and the friendliness of their women, easily identified 'in town' by their huge 'gold' ear rings. Popular attractions in the area are the weekly car burnings and vists to the park where young children can be seen pulling apart the playground amenities then setting fire to the wreckage.
- Southville - Exactly the same as Bedminster, although the estate agent would have you believe its much much posher, and hence the £20k + premium the houses attract. Of recent (circa 2005) occupied by an influx those that would love to but can't afford to buy in clifton - see below.
- Lawrence Weston - or "El Dub" was named after the archaeologist who uncovered remains of this once small fishing hamlet wrapped in fish and chip papers.
- Clifton - The most proper and posh area of the city, or at least that's what they'd wish you to believe. Seated high on the cliff above the River Avon, residents historically feel a sense of self-worthiness as they look down on the working classes working in the port.
- Broadmead - Scene of the world's biggest building site. Constant building work is required to meet EU targets for the employment of Polish building workers. Now also home to the fantastically amazing Cabot Circus shopping centre, a destination purely aimed at helping you spend even more money that you don't have.
- Cabot Circus - the new shopping destination for the south west of England, located at the end of the M32 it is full of expensive posh shops for posh people not normally seen anywhere near this end of town previously. Visitors find themselves with very little to spend, having initially paid for the car park, which is the most profitable business in the area.
- The People's Republic of Stokes Croft - is an area right next to the centre, originally just one street on the A38 their leader has managed to increase the area of the place using an army of tramps armed with empty cider bottles. Since then, the residents of the People's Republic of Stokes Croft have become renowned for being the most beautiful, artistic, intelligent and friendly of all Bristolians. Within the last decade the People's Republic of Stokes Croft has evolved to become an independant nation, military force, trade hub, Eurovision winner, time zone and top exporter of bungs. This has been a source of some confusion amongst other Bristolians, who still labour under the impression that Stokes Croft is a street and not, in fact, the Renaissance. The local currency is the Squat. The Tesco Express in the locality is a popular venue for all social interactions.
- Stoke Gifford - also known as "Stokey G", this wonderful little village consists mainly pubs and Chavs. It also contains three randomly overgrown fields that serve no purpose whatsoever. For some strange reason, the Government also decided to place the Ministry of Defence here. Strange.
- St Paul's - A place to buy drugs or pick up prostitutes, or else please avoid it. Even the Black people have moved to Easton now.
- Lawrence Hill - Soon to be named Samali-Land. You will find your local Somalian on the street, in a flat or even at night.
- Kingswood - Dominated by the old during the day and lager/cider drinkers of the evening all trying to take a piss next to the clock tower. Famous for mining in olden times.
- Downend - A whites only enclave, besieged by Staple Hill ("Tater Hill"), Fishponds and the liberal elite of Frenchay. The thing you usually hear said about Downend is that it was nice once, a bit like its main pub, the Horseshoe. Overshadowed by an ever encroaching Emerson's Green, Downend's fate is surely sealed. The only event which might wake the former mighty Downend from its slumber is when Downend cricket ground, the erstwhile home of W G Grace, has a block of flats built on it. Downend is home to a number of former members of Hitler's notorious Waffen SS, who escaped there at the end of the war.
- Sea Mills - Vast 1930s council estate, mainly populated by the unemployed, those on sickness benefits, and the work shy. Lazy in their outlook, but perfectly fit to work, these 'seem ills', at least, have contributed something to the area, if only its name.
- Fishponds - Area of degenerating large houses, now mostly turned into flats, the building of which spoilt Henry VIII's playground.
- Horfield - Home of Bristol Rovers, and Uncyclopedia Administrators with an unnatural fixation on underwear.
- Bradley Stoke - not strictly part of Bristol, but falling within the Luddite and backward surroundings of South Gloucestershire, this is the dump that most cities have outside the city walls. It comprises of exiled Bristolian and aliens, that nobody has a use for, who with their upwardly mobile aspirations for a better life and their own home, failed dismally. Bland, boring houses, Sadly Broke has no soul or centre of sorts. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
- Shirehampton - another council estate and tower blocks - a false nirvana for those who get evicted from Southmead. Further settlers to this area are also hoodwinked, in that they hear of some kind of Oasis in Penpole Lane. Dull, boring suburb. Upper classes were bussed in, to try to improve its reputation, but never get further than the local Golf.
- Cribb's Causeway - Main shopping destination/greenhouse for the West Country, located by junction 17 of the M5. Fortunately situated near to Filton Airfield, it taps into the international market, enabling people to fly from around the world to pick up a bargain. It is a popular holiday destination for the Welsh.
- Ashton Court - Golfing capitol of Bristol, there is lots of grass and houses costing more than Clifton and no young people after 6pm.
- The Downs - the big green open area between clifton and stoke bishop. through the week generally occupied by dog walkers and runners, all trying to look fit whilst endlessly running in circles around the outside. after dark to be avoided unless you fancy a spot of dogging.
edit Bristol Underground Scene
The famous Bristol Underground Scene is a scene in a play called "Bristol Underground" (about what Bristol is like beneath the ground [rock]), which starred Banksy as the digger, Massive Attack as the soil tester, Portishead as the rock chipper, and of course the prime minister Tony Robinson looking for old pots and stuff for his TV show Time Team.
edit Local Dialect
Bristolians have their own language with 50% of Bristol's population being bilingual, speaking both Bristolian and English; 40% of inhabitants can only speak Bristolian. The remaining 10% are foreign students who speak nothing coherent.
The local language is known as Bristolean. A beginner's guide:
- Fooorrk, Wooourld, Caaaastle and Trouserrs - give you an idea.
- A becomes Al, so asda is asdal, and the Nova Scotia pub is the Noval Scotial. The one exception is Ikea - one would expect it to be known as Ikeal but many call it 'Ikkia' or' IEkia' and are permanently lost inside trying to find a way out.
- The footwear known elsewhere trainers or plimsolls in Brissolean are 'Daps'.
- It is considered quite normal in Brissolean to greet somebody with the words "Alroight me luvver? Ow' bist?", meaning " Hello old chap, how do you do today?"
- "Gert Lush!" means "How very nice!"
- When getting off of a bus, it is considered polite to say "cock off."
- When it snows and the snow settles that is known as "pitchin'". No one know why.
- 'Like' and 'Mind' are often confused for 'you know'.
- If attempting to appear Bristolian, and in doubt if it's working, simply add the word "Then" into the conversation as often as possible for convincing results.
edit Facts about Bristle
There are two football teams in Bristol, both of which are about to be purchased by Sainsbury's. Season ticket holders will their tickets swapped for loyalty cards. Bristol Rovers and Rugby club play on a cemetery, called the Memorial Ground where the tombstones are replaced after each a game.
- The 't' in Bristol is silent.
- Despite centuries of evolution, the population of Bristol still haven't acquired the infamous third eye, found in the banjo playing residents of the Forest of Dean.
- So law abiding are the people of Bristol that the police only work weekends. To contact them people do not dial 999 but write a letter.
- The Bristol Old Vic, is in-fact in Swindon.
- It is Bristol's fault that Canada was found when John Cabot was forced to leave his tower and sail there.
- People from Bristol know everything there is to ever know about anything. Ever.
- Bristol, once a year, celebrates its diversity by hosting the world's largest collection of enormous Chinese Magic Lanterns.
- The makers of Casualty, Only Fools & Horses, and The Young Ones are in a bitter feud over control of television programming.
- Bristol launched it's own currency in 2012 called the 'Babber' and will features pictures of famous respected Bristolians such as Vicky Pollard. A pint of cider in Bristol will set you back about 20 Babbers.
- Knowle West is owned by the National Trust.
- 77% of Bristolians don't believe in the number 8.
- Avonmouth hasn't always been part of Bristol. It actually broke off from Canada in 1995.