Brie bomb

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The Brie Bomb is a weapon of nearly incalculable destructive power. It has been used only once, to destroy the rogue nation Azczecsutonia. The absolute horror of the bombing impelled the rest of the world to erase every trace of Azczescutonia from its collective memory. You've never heard of that nation, have you, dear Uncyclopedia reader? See, we write only the truth.

Physics

Brie is one of the gooiest of the 12 Fundamental Cheeses. It is also uniquely unstable.

In layman's terms, it is the proportion of milk-fat to nauseum which determines the stability of a cheese. Naturally occurring isotopes of brie have a ratio of 81.3% milk-fat to nauseum. If the milkfat is enriched to over 90%, then the brie molecules ("cheeseballs") become so repulsive they cannot stand themselves, and they split apart. This fission liberates a tremendous amount of energy. Early experiments by Marie "Hot Hands" Curie showed that the fission of just one microgram of brie liberates enough stench energy to disembowel a flock of llamas at a distance of 300 meters.

(Parenthetically, the Uncyclopedia staff would like to draw attention to the contributions of women to the field of science. As noted physicist Dorothy Parker said, "If all the coeds at Yale were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.")

Ernest "Spank My Vacuum" Rutherford expanded on Curie's studies, and proposed that if enough brie were suitably enriched and then compressed it would form a fissile (technically, super-nauseating) mess. This mess would then explode as the milk-fat repulsion overcame the force of nausea. However, Rutherford's hypothetical brie bomb remained untested until 1945. (Actually, what with the war and the price of milk, research was slow. 1945 turned into 1946, 1946 passed into 1947, then 1950. The first test of a brie bomb was eventually postponed 30 times, until 1962 and the Cuban Erectile Crisis.)

Construction

A brie bomb consists of a slightly sub-nauseating mess of enriched brie surrounded by a shell of conventional cheddar. Detonators inserted in this outer shell initiate an explosive decomposition of the cheddar, squeezing the whey out of the brie and forcing it to become super-nauseating. An homogenization device, the exact nature of which we decline to explain due to security concerns, ensures that the mess of brie fissions evenly and thus achieves maximum explosive yield.

(Incidentally, the home experimenter can easily demonstrate explosive decomposition -- conventional, non-nuclear decomposition -- of cheddar and other suitable cheeses. Simply place the cheese and a small amount of water or skim milk in a closed container and leave it in a warm place. After six weeks, put the container in a box along with a live cat. Use a stick to puncture the container without exposing yourself to the decomposition products. You will observe the cat convulse rapidly, become blurry, and enter a state of quantum disgust which is neither gagging nor vomiting but rather a superposition of these states.)

Status of World Brie Armaments

Since the first use of a brie bomb on a date which has been eradicated from historical accounts, a number of nations have created brie-based arms. Dweebs and twinkies who worry about such things fret over the proliferation of cheesy weapons of mass disgust (WMD). However, real men with hairy chests, and hairy legs, and hairy buttocks, and hairy ears embrace the macho bragging rights that come with the ability to bomb the civilized world back to the mud age.

Confirmed Nuclear Cheese Powers

  • 1. USA, with 50,000,000 brie-bombs and brie-carrying missiles. The USA could, if it wanted, stenchify not only Earth but also Mars, Venus, Betelgeuse, and the Lesser Magellenic Cloud with its arsenal of brie weapons.
  • 2. Russia, with 23,000 brie weapons. Many of the weapons of the former USSR are unaccounted for since the dissolution of the Soviet empire. The whiff of rogue brie pervades the former Soviet states.
  • 3. Great Britain, with 17,600 brie bombs and missiles. GB has the advantage of vast supplies of cheddar, the most effective detonation trigger for initiating a nuclear cheese explosion.
  • 4. France, with 5,300 brie-armed devices. The French are the only ones to also construct a le roule bomb, or dirty cheese bomb. These rely more on the effects of secondary disgust than on the sheer explosive power of the cheese fission.
  • 5. China, with 1,200 bombs. The Chinese have attempted to construct a thousand-year-old-egg fission device, but without success. Western physicists believe such a device is impossible.
  • 6. India, with 300 bombs and a large stockpile of curried brie.
  • 7. Pakistan, with 13 bombs. The Pakistanis also have a peculiar weapon made of yak cheese. It does not really explode, but rather crumbles with extreme prejudice.
  • 9. North Korea, with 3 devices. The North Koreans have a missile capable of carrying a brie bomb all of 13 kilometers, enabling them to almost attack their own border outposts if they so desired.

Suspected Nuclear Cheese Powers

  • 10. Israel probably has between 5 and 8 brie devices. Satellite-bourne instruments have detected the stench of a brie explosion in the Negev.
  • 11. The Vatican has at least 3 brie fission bombs in a vault under Saint Peter's Square. It is believed that the Pope will detonate them if the Second Coming does not occur before midnight, December 26th, 2017. (as outlined in the Book of Armaments, Chapter 26, Verses 7-18)
  • 12. New Zealand may have 2 or 3 brie bombs. After being invaded by Greenpeace Ned-Zed developed bombs in order to nuke the gay whales.
  • 13. Brazil is believed to have constructed a rather clumsy bomb made of brie derived from coypu milk.
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