Brian Scalabrine

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ScalabrineSelf1

NBA star and notorious cut-up Brian Scalabrine, displaying his customary ebullience at a media day for the Boston Celtics

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“Maybe now you could say I didn't play a second, but in five years, you guys are going to forget. In ten years I'll still be a champion. In 20 years I'll tell my kids I probably started, and in 30 years I'll probably tell them I got the MVP. So I'm probably not too worried about it.”
~ Brian Scalabrine on his role in the 2008 NBA Playoffs.[1]

Brian "White Meat" Scalabrine[2] was an American All-Star and future Hall-Of-Fame professional basketball player.

Scalabrine came into his own as a player for the Boston Celtics during their 2007-08 championship season, when he was the only white player on the team, and one of only six crackers in the entire league (although several other players, including Delonte West, have counted in the official stats as 0.5 of a white man). For most of the 2007-08 season, Celtics coach Doc Rivers utilized Scalabrine's talents to keep the sideline chairs at a comfortable, slightly-above-room temperature.

A 6'9" inbounder[3] from USC, Scalabrine was drafted by the New Jersey[What exit?] Nets in 2001, as part of the NBA's Affirmative Action Program for Differently-Abled White Men.

In 2010, Scalabrine went to the Chicago Bulls for $50 and a box of Mike & Ikes[4]. He supplemented his chair-heating talents by selling lemonade and wiping the court during timeouts.

Early life and college

Coffeemug

A mug-shot of Brian Scalabrine. You will be billed in installments for this joke.

Scalabrine was born in Long Beach, California, in 1978, and is of Italian heritage. It is believed, however, that his family's mailman was Irish, and very bad at basketball. His first two years as a college player were spent at the Highline Community College and Hemophilia Treatment Center, where his constant nosebleeds, weak joints, and glass-like bones were not enough to prevent him from being the school's highest scorer. During his second season, Scalabrine sat out the season, prepping for his future career path as a substitute for a highly-resistant spiral metal filament.

Career

New Jersey Nets

Shortly after graduating from the University of Southern California, Scalabrine was drafted by the New Jersey Nets, a team renowned for unsuccessfully masquerading as an NBA squad for the better part of several decades. Scalabrine's NBA debut was delayed, however, when he fractured his fifth metatarsal while doing nothing. Several days later, he managed to replicate the feat while breathing. Over the next four months, Scalabrine re-broke the same bone on fifteen separate occasions while doing such things as standing, whistling, hailing a cab, standing on a pillow, and attempting to beat a ten-year-old at a staring contest. Refusing to surrender to his injury woes, Scalabrine made his debut on January 31, 2002, wearing a full cast, and became the first NBA player to average better than 2 points and 1.5 rebounds for an entire season while hopping on one leg.

Boston Celtics

After a 2004-05 season which saw the mediocre Celtics falling head-first into a division championship, it became clear to General Manager Danny Ainge that the team lacked a perimeter shooter, a rebounder, an inside defender, an outside defender, or, in fact, any sort of decent player not named "Paul Pierce". However, to Ainge, the team's most glaring deficiency was that it lacked a player who was accomplished at being both large, pale-white, and covered in freckles[5]. Ainge decided that Brian Scalabrine fit the bill in an approximate fashion, and spared no expense in order to secure his services, signing him to a munificent, 5-year, $15 million contract[6].

Brian-scalbrine-ballpose

Scalabrine demonstrating what became his trademark six-legged shooting stance.

Scalabrine's work ethic and personality soon endeared him to Boston's fans in a way that athletic talent alone could not[7]. Over the next five seasons, Scalabrine could be seen justifying the team's faith in him by blocking a shot once every four games, averaging just over 2.7 points and grabbing well over one rebound, and taking critical inbounds passes with 0.1 seconds remaining in the game. Most importantly, Scalabrine could often be found kneeling the wrong way in his usual sideline seat, waving his arms at the crowd in a demented fashion during timeouts and shouting "C'MON PEOPLE MAKE SOME NOISE!" at the top of his lungs.

Scalabrine's high point nearly came during the 2008 playoffs, but, due to an unfortunate accident involving a drunk fan and a large can of industrial glue, Scalabrine became inextricably bonded to his sideline chair. Despite Scalabrine's courageous attempt to play while still fused to his seat, Coach Rivers was forced to scratch him for the entire championship series. Leading his team...'s cheers from the sidelines, Scalabrine was instrumental in the Celtics' Game 6 blowout of the L.A. Lakers, which clinched the championship.

Chicago Bulls

After the 2009 season, Scalabrine's contract was allowed to expire in what Ainge now admits was "a massive oversight". He was courted by absolutely none of the NBA's 29 other teams, except for the Chicago Bulls, who leaped at the chance to have the "perpetually out-of-shape" forward make ass-shaped dents in their sideline seats. After the signing, Bulls GM Gar Forman said, "We've reached the height of mediocrity. We can only go up or down from here."

Broadcasting

When his playing days were over, Scalabrine performed award-winning commentary on Comcast, evidencing astute knowledge of the game of basketball that somehow eluded him for the entire time he was in said game. He supplements his income with appearances as an attraction at small-town ballparks and arenas and in other places where white folks gather. Sometimes, he is accompanied by a bearded lady.

In 2013, he was named as an assistant coach for the Los Angeles Clippers, a living monument to the saying that "those who can, do; those who cannot, coach."

Legacy

Carrottop-at-2007-all-star-weekend-2-17-07

Lithuanian basketball player Povilas Čukinas, through lifestyle and grooming, is arguably the athlete trying the hardest to become the next Brian Scalabrine.

Scalabrine is often cited as the most prolific inbounder[3] in professional basketball; he combines the rare ability to unerringly throw the ball to a teammate with a chameleon-like expertise at fading into the wallpaper as soon as play begins. Professional scouts also note that Scalabrine has an almost uncanny ability to at least graze the backboard when shooting from more than five feet away from the basket.

Described as a "thinking-man's" player with a "high basketball IQ", Scalabrine is said to possess every basketball attribute except size, length, quickness, aim, and leaping ability. According to his former coach, Doc Rivers, Scalabrine manages an "orgasm-inducing" crossover dribble, and is a top-tier defender[8], although he rarely gets to demonstrate either, outside of practice sessions. He is often compared with, but never equaled by, such expert utility players as Ryan Bowen and Scott Hastings; a recent NBA poll named him the "greatest professional healthy scratch" in the history of the league.

Career highlights and honors

  • Led the NBA in Successful Inbounds (2001-2008).
  • Led the NBA in Unsuccessful Inbounds (2001-2008).
  • Named NBA's Player Most Likely to Develop a Sunburn Indoors (2001-2010).
  • Won an Academy Award for Best Lead Actor in his 2008 comedic film, Career Highlights.


Footnotes

  1. This is an actual quote. No, seriously.
  2. Ok, technically his nickname was "Veal". His teammates claimed it was short for veal scaloppini, a play on his last name. Tangentially, I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale. Would you like to buy it?
  3. 3.0 3.1 For those not "in the know", this is not an actual position.
  4. The Bulls are currently on record as saying "We were robbed."
  5. Raef LaFrentz was able to manage two of the three, but only on alternate Wednesdays, and, despite his best efforts, never succeeded in cultivating freckles.
  6. Ainge later admitted that his strategy had been to secure the championship for the Celtics by causing all other NBA teams to die laughing.
  7. Which was quite a spot of good luck, seeing as he didn't have any.
  8. Doc Rivers, M.D., interview with FSMW, January 29, 2011
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