Brian Cox (physicist)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Brian Cox (physicist).

Brian Edward Cox, OBE (born 3 March 1968), is a British particle physicist, a Royal Society University Research Fellow and a professor at the University of Manchester. The professor is a self-proclaimed god of physics, some claim he is actually from Oldham, somewhere in the north of England but they are lying, he merely resides here in this latest incantation of awesome. This is just his latest incarnation upon Earth, he has resided during the key periods of human history. He is known for his wrath, which he wreaks upon humanity when it just looks stupid, or when someone says he is wrong. He is also known for using food to explain cosmological theories, and hanging around an Irish guy on TV to look even smarter.

This is merely the latest formation that he goes by, but as it is in this time realm, we'll stick with this name throughout, no-one is quite sure when he came into being, or indeed where, some believe he has taken the form of many cultural and scientific minds throughout history including; Oedipus, King Arthur, Merlin, Plato, Emily Bronte and Dave, The Mysterious Unknown Roman Philosopher with a Jewish name.

MBE


edit Career

During the era of the Romans, Brian appeared twice, once as Jesus, and proclaimed himself the Son of God, a lie of course, because he is God, a religion was created that day, Brianology (later changed to Christianity, due to some guy by that name hanging around him at the time).

in his 2nd guise he went by "Dave" and he knew to the minute when Vesuvius would bury Pompei in a blanket of ash, but was banished from Rome, for speaking out against the Emperor, he later returned as "Jesus the 2nd" and brought about the destruction of the Roman Empire, in the time it took to reclaim his position he learnt how to use the power of the Sun to destroy everything, having failed under the name of Occam centuries earlier due to inferior quality metal

In the year 2, Brian, or Frankiudus as he went by discovered time travel, and hence can dart from era to era as he pleases, but it was a redundant discovery, as he can in fact teleport, he gave the time machine as a gift to H.G. Wells (a long-time friend) in 1912, but he lost it on Mars, which actually destroyed nearly all life on the planet, and Martians now hide 14 miles underground for fear of the return of Brian, and his wrath. Also in that year he built the first Christian church, just to throw rocks and bolts of lightning at

Upon the Dark Ages, Brian blocked out the Sun, as a punishment to the people worshipping a false Spanish deity called Jesus, who couldn't even afford sandals. In the 19th Century , he froze the Thames, as for somewhere to keep his beer cool, and demanded that someone invent him a fridge, or bring copious amounts of ice to beat them with.

In 2004, Brian decided to do a cannonball from space, he landed in Sumatra on Boxing Day, setting a world record for splash wave height (which he almost broke in 2011 in Japan), he then flew from the scene to survey his work, and pleased by his efforts, went to Disneyland

edit Lawsuits

In 2004,in the aftermath of the tsunami he was subsequently he was sued by the continent of Asia, but he responded by threatening to steal the sun, as use it's power as a weapon to destroy nations at will
Steal the sun

In 2005, the catholic church attempted to sue him for making them look like idiots, he killed the pope by using his laser eyes, and appointed an ex-Nazi to look after the role until he decides his left arm can do the job for him, while the right would run the White House and his balls will run Britain

In 2011, Brian smacked the amalgamation of Cameroclegg in the face with his bollocks for being a retard, he later proclaimed "they have 6 months to clean this shit up or I'm going to destroy London." Brian instead decided to set the youth of the city in riot with the promise of Nike trainers and a KFC for the victors. When approached for succeeding in pissing off the country, the government went about sueing him, he vapourised any who crossed his threshold, eventually they let it slide and the kids and The Police got the blame (Sting had a whine about the matter, so Brian made him look like a fish giving birth to a tree)

Brian had several forages into the music scene, by featuring in the 80's band D.A.R.E because he dared people to try and take him down and the 90's pop group D:Ream because he got high off acid and played some keyboards to some Manchester trolls playing music, a song which later became the anthem for Labour's decapitation of John Major in 1997. Before these mainstream voyages into music, he used to get high with his brother Steven Wilson (of Porcupine Tree fame) and create music for fun, and often to wind people up, such acts include [Vanilla Ice]], Olivia Newton John and Rick Astley along with taking the occasional music dump with lead to the generation of such gimplings as Justin Bieber and Marilyn Manson. Although they are in part responsible for Axl Rose, they will accept liabilty and won't apologise

He now features on the BBC as a science expert, for he grows weary of being an aggressive God, more the educational kind, and has settled in England, for "It's the shit, it is shit, but at least the English can admit it"

edit Personal life

He is the twin brother of the God Of Music, and all other things awesome Steven Wilson, together they could destroy reality, but "Brian" was quoted to say "nah, that's too easy, plus this northern lark is actually quite fun, Gravy is ****ing awesome"

Currently he is betrothed to an American woman, but you cannot hold that against, for he so awesome

He is also believed to be the father to Stephen Hawking, Mother Teressa, Jeremy Kyle and Queen Elizabeth I.

Bri, as he is currently known, did in fact create the big bang with one flick of the hair. Any flick soon and a supermassive blackhole will be created that will kill everyone but he. Then he will go on to create a planet of robot Brian's.

edit Famous Quotes

“You will end, I will end, the Sun will end, I will destroy the universe, just for the Lulz.”
“I do not make mistakes, I merely decide something will go wrong.”
“When you fall into a black hole you will be literally spaghettified.”
“A billion, billion billion billion billion billion billion billion billion, billion Light Years.”
~ Brian Cox on the size of his Penis

edit See Also

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