Brett Favre
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“You could cut off his arms and legs and he would still have the best torso in football”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“A useless jackass that I'm glad to be rid of, even though he did carry and represent the entire franchise for nearly two decades and holds multiple records. I'm glad we went with an unproven, four years running backup over a 17 years running starter.”
~ Mike McCarthy on Brett Favre
“Brett Favre is the Brett Favre of football”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“You see, Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback in football. He's so good. You know what else is good? Boom! Tough actin Tinactin.”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre??
“I should retire, I should retire not, I should retire, I should retire not”
~ Brett Favre on retirement
“Brett Favre?! Where?! Because Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback ever! He had a great wedding! The cake was great! There were so many flavors! It went BOOM in my Mouth! (That's what she said.) The set up and decorations were great! They probably went to ACE! It's the hardware place! I remember when I snuck on to the some of the events sponsored by the Brett Favre Fourward Foundation in 1997, I got to watch him play in the golf tournament, he had a great stroke just like Curly Howard, funny man, God rest his soul. BOOM! The celebrity softball game was very...BOOM!
....
Afterwards, I went to the Brett Favre Steakhouse...”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“Wait...Isn't the "v" BEFORE the "r"?.”
~ Captain Obvious on The pronunciation of the last name
“Hold on, hold on, I'm not done yet. I went to the Brett Favre Steakhouse and had the Brett Favre Porterhouse steak, which was served with Brett Favre fries. I covered the steak with A1 and it was great! Then I went to Rent-a-Center, hoping to see Brett Favre... wait, I don't have an endorsement deal with Rent-a-Center anymore? Okay, screw them. So anyway...”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“SHUT UP ALREADY!”
~ Everybody on John Madden
Brett Lorenzo? Favre is better than you. Face it, there is no way you'll ever be better than this man... unless you can actually make a decision and stick to it!
Contents |
[edit] Intermediate Years
German Goths 410-700 AD
Many do not know this, but Favre was picked up on the waiver wire and spent the 700-701 season playing QB for the Moshood Olawale Nigerian Stormtroopers
Frankish Magnums 702-1000 AD
- Played in the Brett Favre Celebration Game
Scottish Claymores*1000-1300 Led Claymores to Lone Championship against Britain under great Coach/RB, William Wallace.
Spanish Conquistadors 1300-1492* Stayed in the Americas to teach the art Football to the Native Americans
1867, Sports revival of the late 1800s: found out that, with new technology, Americans had changed footballs rules. The Europeans disagreed with the rule changes, but the Americans won, so the Europeans changed the name of their sport to rugby. Favre throws a fit, and doesn't even think of returning to football until forward passing is re-legalized in 1916. After this, decides to learn the American rules.
1970. Brett Favre, feeling slightly aged, finds the fountain of youth, drinks too much and turns into a small child, is found, and adopted by the another family with the same last name.
1987-1990. As a rejuvenated young adult, Favre goes to college to play football for Southern Mississippi.
[edit] NFL career
Favre was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons in 1991, and was traded to the Packers in 1992, where he won them 1 championship. However, the fountain of youth altered his aging pattern so he aged like a normal human being (actually only slightly less). He started every game during his Packer career, using clones of himself on plays that he knew he would be hit on, proceeding to piss off defensive coordinators by eluding 3 defensive lineman, tossing a shovel pass through a 6-inch window of space to his crossing fullback, who would then proceed to juke the linebacker in coverage, run 8 yards down the sideline and then would leap over the cornerback (making a shitty excuse for a tackle), and then hit the pylon, winning the game in overtime. Favre has claimed the lives of 288 players, and several small children. He retired after only 17 years, unretired, became a Jagermeister, retired, unretired, joined the Minnetonka Gay Boats where he currently cheats on John Madden with John Gruden.
[edit] Criminal Record
While many argue Favre's name is spelled "Favre", it should be noted that it was changed from "Farve" to elude the authorities, thus confusing many people who previously knew him. This epic move was captured in the movie, The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford as Farve, an estranged quarterback in the suburban hoods of Milwaukee. The plot of the movie circulated around the events following Favre's kidnapping and subsequent skull-rape of Ted Thompson.
[edit] Robot Skeleton
In 1264 A.D., after a failed quarterback challenge with the ghost of Jesus, Favre was force to surrender his skeleton in place of the golden fiddle that he had promised to Jesus. Determined not to miss a start, Brett survived for years eating only the groins of his defeated opponents until he was discovered by the future ghost of past John Madden, who carried him to the year 2029 in his magical Ace Hardware car, replacing his bones with those of a dead terminator. (Terminator was defeated and executed after losing a quarterback challenge to the ghost of Bart Starr)
[edit] Clone?
In the Early 90s, when Brett Favre was tearing away the competition, he was approached by his boyhood hero, Archie Manning. Archie Manning asked to buy a pint of Brett Favre's blood, so that his two High school Qb sons could play better. These two sons became known as Peyton and Eli Manning. However, some of this blood fell ino the hands of Bill Belichick, who would later draft a lousy no name quarterback from Michigan in the sixth round, he injected this Quarterback the blood, and the rest is history, However, Brett Favre would later regret selling his blood, as Eli would beat him in the 2008 NFC championship.
[edit] The Amazing Tumor of Brett Favre
A man of many talents. Some wonder how he can keep going year after year after retiring, and then another year. Some say he is a god, but it has been confirmed that he has a cancerous tumor that produces HGH that gets dispersed through out his body. The man is a machine. A very sexy, sexy machine. Look at those arms... ooohhh... The Cult of Brett Favre The Packers in fear of loosing precious dollars to higher market teams decided to sponsor a cult for the greatest of heroes Brett Favre. Since all of the Green Bay Packers executives are really just farmers they decided to hire some dude named Jesus to run the thing. (not Gee Sus but hey soos) Jesus was a Puerto Rican of Mexican descent who could hit homeruns with a broom stick.
Jesus instead of building a cult from scratch decided that he'd buy an already established one out. So he went to Utah and bought the Mormons. Now followers of Brett Favre are allowed to have multiple wives. And every passage passage in the Book of Mormon that once said "Thus saith the Lord" now says "I don't care what Peyton Manning does in the future Brett Favre is still better".
[edit] Critics of the Cult of Favre
However, there has been much criticism of the god of the cult of Favre. For instance, many of his records that he has achieved were achieved because he happened to play longer than the quarterbacks whose records he broke.
Also, during his last playoff game, he clearly showed a disregard for the rules when he tried to attempt a pass beyond the line of scrimmage during his playoff beatdown against the terrible Minnesota Vikings.
Favre was also presented the opportunity to walk on water many times, but never did. He did appear to walk on water during the last Viking-Packer game but upon closer inspection, he was walking on the back of Vikings coach Brad Childress' back during a drowning suicide attempt.
This cult is led by... who else but John Madden?
[edit] other clone
In the 2008 offseason, Brett Favre informed the Packers of his desire to retire. Panicking, the Packers tried to clone favre, however instead of creating a 21 year old Brett, as they had hoped, they created another 38 year old Brett, as both Bretts were old, The Packers decided to abort Project Clone Brett Favre. while real brett Favre bought a private island in the middle of nowhere to spend the rest of his days in peace with his family, the Brett Favre clone started to wreak havoc on the NFL and Brett's legacy by continuing to retire, and come back, retire and come back, etc. the current clone intends to do this for another 500 years
[edit] Records
- Most touchdown passes (442)
- Most consecutive starts (263)
- Most retirements (327)
- Most fists pumped in the air (1,216,324)
- Most lawn mowed in one hour (14,079 acres)
[edit] End of the World
After the Great Tribulation, Brett Favre served as a commander under Jesus, Aiding in the defeat of The Antichrist and his whiny douchebag assistant. He was given Jurisdiction over Wisconsin and Mississippi for his bravery and awesomeness. For these triumphs and his 327 mile run in the Wisconsin winter he has earned his spot on the list of people who could save the world. As a side note he did all 327 miles completely naked, as well as swimming across Lake Michigan.
[edit] Trivia
- Brett Favre is the final unlockable character in Super Smash Brothers. You can unlock him by beating the game on Super Ridiculous Level with 100% perfection 30 million times. Brett Favre can take out any character in one hit.
- Brett Favre can throw a football 200 yards underwater.
- Chuck Norris can win at Connect Four in three moves. Brett Favre can do it in two.
- Brett Favre wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris wears Brett Favre's Number 4 Jersey when fighting as Walker, Teaxas Ranger.
- Brett Favre is, to this day, the only proven cure for cancer.
- When Brett Farve blinks, Costa Rica is blown away.
- Favre means God in Roman.
- The Uncle Rico character from Napoleon Dynamite was based on Favre.
- Brett Favre can even act. Check out his Sears commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xDhi06XIAM
