Bret Hart
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“Bret Screwed Bret”
~ Vince McMahon on claiming Bret Hart had sex with Bret Michaels
“Bret is the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be”
~ Oscar Wild on how sex was with Bret
“Excellence of execution? He never killed anyone, that just proves wrestling's fucking fake as”
~ Some Emo Prick
Bret "The Shitman" Fart is known as the self proclaimed "succulent of seduction" in the homosexual world of professional thumb wrestling. However, it is best to not speak of Bret's homosexual nature around him, as he is a classic closet case, and is a crack shot sharp shooter with his sniper rifle. He's been known to have blown away 23 men, and blow 153 of them.
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[edit] Farm Boy On Tattooine
Bret was born in Calgary, Alberta Canada to a ferrel bull named Helen and a out of commission tractor named Stupid Old Fart that got on the wagon one night and raped all the farm animals of the ranch. Stew ended up having 900 offspring, but most of them would die young by the ripe age of 33 from hart attacks or falling off rafters. Bret and Owen where about the only two he could ever remember the names of, and the rest of them where not worth a damn.
Bret wanted to follow in his fathers footsteps, and rape the whole farm, but instead ended up being a disappointment to Stupid Old Fart, by becoming a professional thumb wrestler. Being a pro thumb wrestler, as apposed to an amateur thumb wrestler, means that the pro-league is fake and choreographed. Bret was disowned by Stupid for being so whiny all the time and complaining about everyone and everything, instead of a pillaging beast like the rest of the heard which Bret just moaned about for always trying to screw him over.
[edit] Thumb Wrestling Career
Bret joined the WWF in the mid 18th century, along with his cousin that his sister married, Jim "The Yes Anal For Me Any Night" Fart. They where a popular fag-team known as the Fart Foundation, along with there manager and nanny, Jimmy "Cum In My Mouth, Or Deep Down South" Fart. The Fart Foundation would capture the fag-team titles 4 times, in classic battles against other champion fag teams such as "EMOlition", "The Killer Bee Gees", "The Fuckers" & "Donnie & Marie Osmond". But soon Bret would start moaning about wanting to show his skills in singles competition, and the fag-team went there separate ways, as Bret set his goals to 'cum on one' competitions.
[edit] Intercuntamental Champion
Bret now separated from his cousin started in men's single's dating. Bret first started going after the current intercuntamental champion just after he won the King Of The Rims in 1994 when he beat Jerky The Burger King Lawyer in the final round, but had his title reversed after he refused to let go of the submission move he had on Burger King after the bell had won to signify Bret had won the match. Bret gave the Burger King a nasty sharp Chinese Burn, a most painful submission move, and due to not letting go of the hold, the referee had to reverse his decision, and award Jerky the winner of the 1994 King Of The Rim Jobs. In traditional Bret style, he wined and complained about this for the next year until a new rivalry was started between him and another wrestler, focusing Bret's winging fetish towards someone else now.
Bret would now face the champion of the I.C belt, Shawn Micheals. The two would indulge in many classic and epic battles, such as the famous night when Bret and Shawn squared off one on one for over 60 minutes in an ironing contest. Even tho Bret's shirts where folded much neater and had very few to if any wrinkles, it was the Fart Break Kid that prevail in the end, winning the I.C belt from Bret which Bret complained about for the next 10 weeks straight. He would then regain the title 3 months later when HBGay lost it to "Double-Gay" Jeff Faggot, and Bret issued the champion to a night in the sack which he won when Double-Gay submitted to Bret Hart's whining about him not putting the toilet seat back down when he was finished. Bret would then lose the title to Bret's half brother/half sister/Half a tonne of steroid injected brother in law, "The British Bullsprog" Davey Girl Shit-Hart. The two would have a great battle at ThumberSlam where they showcased there thumb wrestling techniques for all of England to fall asleep to as Bret complained the Bullsprog cheated by having nails not cut to regulation size.
[edit] Pink & Rainbow Champion
Bret was now chosen to compete in the heavy-weight world champion stables. Basically all the huge and heavier guys had been bought by rival company WCW, so the intercontinental championship was replaced with the world heavy weight title because there was no division of wrestlers left to compete for it. And the I.C belt would be thrown to the other lower half carders of the WWF roster, which Bret for once did not complain about.
Bret's first challenge in his quest for the golden title was to take on 8000 pound, undefeated, sumo star and porno champion, E.Honda, later known as Fat Bastard. Honda was a wrestler brought in from Japan as the largest attempt to have the WWF fans hate another country now that the Russian and German wars had ended. Bret started the biggest challenge of his life, when he first thumb wrestled Honda at WrestleFakia for the title. Unfortunately Bret would lose that match when Honda's manager, Yoko Ono would take a piece of candy out of his pocket when the referees back was turned, and when Honda smelled it, he ran like mad to get the candy bar, crushing Bret in the process. Bret would then succumb to a deadly fart dropped by Honda, and lost the match. Then Hulk Hogan came out, slammed Honda, and stole the championship, then Hogan celebrated for 9 hours flexing and posing for the crowed. Bret still complains about Hulk's victory to this day.
Bret then had a rematch with Honda a year later at the next Wrestlfakia where Honda had regained the title. Bret first lost a match that night to his brother Owen, then had a title shot against Honda to win the championship. This then enraged his brother, in which they would then go on to become arch enemies, but Bret never lost the title to Owen, as Owen may have hated Bret with a passion, but would hold back as he would never hear the end of his brother bitching about it.
[edit] The Fart Foundation
When Bret first joined the WWF, he and his inbred cousin Jim "The Rim Pleasure" Blind-Fart where known as the first members of the Fart Foundation as a fag-team duo with there manager Jimmy "Mouth or Down South, Either Way Is Good" Hart. The original Fart Foundation would be one of the greatest duo in professional thumb wrestling. Bret was the small puny little weakling of the two, but had his technical skills, and rifle, where as Jim was the powerhouse with his long luscious goatee. The duo would capture the fag-team titles over 1 time in there 8 year run.
The duo would split up, and Bret would focus on singles competition, while Jim went to audition as a second guitarist for industrial metal band, ZZ Top. However when Jim failed the audition, he returned to the WWF and joined up with Bret's younger and more talented brother Own. That duo became the new Fart Foundation and would rival with Bret because it was Bret who got the gig over Jim with ZZ Top. This really pissed off Jim, as Bret couldn't even grow bum fluff on his chin if he tried. But the bigger feud would be between Bret and Owen over Owen saying enough is enough of Bret's constant pissing and moaning about everything all the time.
A few years later another faction would be needed to compete against "D-seXed", and "The Nation Of Masturbation" to help with the Monday Night Wars ratings. So all became good with Bret, Owen & Jim overnight, and they reformed the Fart Foundation as a faction and also included there cousin that married there sister then divorced her for there brother, but was now just there aunt's boy-toy, "The British Bullsprog" Davey Boy Shits-Fart and also there long time goat milker from the farm, "Brian Jizzman" - The group would become one of the most hated factions of all time with there antics against America, and how America was just a toilet bowl for not accepting inbreeding as a way of life. However, when they crossed the border to there home in Canada, they where the most beloved faction of all time, as being back with all the other inbreeds, it was impossible for Canada to hate them. It was the first time something like this had ever happened in the WWF, tho it had happened a billion times in every other promotion.
- Correction - The Fart Foundation where the most hated group all over America, except for Arkansas and West Virgina where inbreeding is a law that must be followed.
The Fart Foundation would become a strong force in the WWF. Even today there odor is still smelt blowing in the wind of many arenas they stunk out in there time together. The group would however dismantle in time, as Bret was found to have slept with Bret, and Owen and Brian would disown there brother for sleeping with someone outside of the family. Jim, Jimmy & Davey however followed Bret to the WCW, and like many who jumped ship from the WWF to WCW, that was the last anyone ever heard from them.
[edit] Bret Screws Bret
It was one of the biggest controversies in history of professional thumb wrestling entertainment. The WWF was shocked to find a gay porn video had been leaked onto the internet of Bret engaging in homosexual activities with Bret Micheal's. Vince McMahon was shocked to see his 17 year long love affair with Bret Fart go down the drain over night as Bret Fart laid with another man. Vince was in tears, and had no choice but to divorce from Bret. A shook up and still heartbroken Vince would go onto to report, "I have no sympathy for Bret anymore, I can not love a man who would cheat on me and break my heart, I cant believe that Bret screwed Bret".
[edit] Winging Complaining Whining (WCW)
Bret joined the WCW the very next night after being fired from the WWF as there was no place better to release his winging and whining trademarks. Bret would appear on an episode of Nitro and the fans erupted with applause and delight that the Shitman was now in WCW. However, after that night, no one saw or heard from Bret again, well, they did, but they didn't care, not until his brother Owen died, and as a tribute to Owen, Bret had a match against a wrestler named █████ ██████. They wrestled one of the self proclaimed all-time greatest wrestling matches in WCW history, however it is speculated that it was one of the only watched matches in WCW history.
Bret would remain with the WCW until nearing it's final days, when Bret was kicked in the head by WCW Hollywood Squares Champion, Whoopi Goldberg. The effect of that kick gave Bret a concussion, that lead to a stroke, that lead to a Hart attack, that lead to a shoot interview, that led to Bret's divorce, that led to Bill Clinton being impeached, that led to the Beatles breaking up, that led to higher interest rates, and eventually the end of the world. Luckily it all happened in WCW so no one ever saw it, so therefor it had no effect on the real world. How do we know this? we're the internet, DUH.
[edit] Life After Screwing Bret
Bret was forced to retire from Wrestling after all of the previous things that happened to him. Bret said in a shoot interview, "I really wish I stayed in the WWF, and when I complained people would be around to hear it, and the thing i regret the most is Bill Clinton was impeached"
Bret spends his days now back on the farm in Calgary trying to rape all the cattle, in hopes he can one day rape all the farm and make his daddy proud. So far he has not been successful in accomplishing this, and complains about it to anyone who will listen.
Bret also has an auto-biography he has written called "How To Complain For Dummys" but keeps complaining to the publishers that they are screwing him over, so it is yet to be released.
[edit] External links
- Bret Hart fears El Dandy
- Effects of Bret Hart's head injury takes its toll
- Rowdy Roddy Piper recalls stories of Bret Hart's childhood
[edit] Championships and accomplishment's
- 2004 WWE Hall Of Shame Inductee 2004
- WWF Queen Of The Rimjobs (1992 winner)
- WWF Royal Fumble (1994 winner)
- WWF Fag-Team champion's (2 times - with Jim Night Fart)
- WWF Intercuntinental champion (3 times)
- WWF Heavyweight Complaints Champion (160 times)
- WWE All-time record holder for most time's screwed over in a single career.
- WCW Complaints heavyweight champion. (3 times)
- EMO winging whining champion (1,345 times - record holder)
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