For those who can hear (as in, not your deaf sister), Uncyclopedia has an audio recording of this break up.
123 Fate St
June 23 2016
PERSONALATTN: Staci Loman
1432 Kitchenside Dr.
Probably like, Ohio
Dear Ms. Loman,
I know this information is coming at an inopportune time in your life; having a deaf sister is never an easy burden to bear. And I know that the recent C+ in Geometry has severely affected your relationship with your parents for the time being, leading to a terribly unfortunate loss of car-borrowing privileges. I also heard about your cat Chuckles. Again, I’m terribly sorry. However, I believe the time has come for us to see other people. Other people, as in absolutely not each other.
It’s not that I don’t love you. Actually no, I mean it is that I don’t love you. I definitely like you. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve rated the asses in this class, and you are definitely in my top 7. Maybe even top 4. Face not so much, but you’ve got a great ass going for you. And a personality (I think). Oh, and you’re smart. I know it's only C+ smart right now, but that’s sure to change before Senior year (if you’re still planning on going to Stetson, young lady). The point is, you’re not going to be working at Chili’s forever, and that’s got to be worth something.
I'm just acknowledging that we’ve seriously drifted apart – but more accurately, my eyes have seriously drifted, not necessarily apart, but more towards different asses. Asses which do not belong to you. And attached to some of those asses are nicer bodies than yours. And definitely nicer faces. Again, while I really do like you, I do have a car now, and I have been going to the mall, and the redhead at The GAP has really been expressing interest. You know I’ve always had a thing for redheads.
I want you to understand that I’ve almost enjoyed our time together, and not once has your sister’s hideous abnormality embarrassed me in public. I also really appreciate being included in family functions – sorry I had so much to drink last Thanksgiving, by the way. Tell Uncle Jeff I still plan on reimbursing him for the necessary repairs to his billiards room.
In short, please leave me alone for as long as humanly possible. I know it’ll be hard (I do own a mirror).
Not really yours anymore,
Former Boyfriend, Currently Eligible Bachelor
**PS – The video will NOT be going online, I promise. The only person who has even seen it is Rob. He liked it very much and agreed that you have a great ass.