“I thought what we had was special...”
~ Oscar Wilde on his break up
“Shut up fool! And gimme back my cat!”
~ Mr.T on his break up
“You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Take me for instance. My car broke down so I took it to a mechanic. I asked him what was wrong with it and he said my gas tank was empty. I asked him if this was a metaphor for women and break ups, and if he was really telling me that I didn't know what I had until it was gone, but now that my girlfriend has broken up with me, I do know and I should win her over and get back together with her. He said, "No. I mean that your gas tank is empty." ”
~ 80's hair metal fan on break ups

Man, all you gotta do is find a girl that looks just like her, nail her, and then dump her, man. Get her of your mind. Whatever you do, don't resort to blaring Peter Gabriel.

For the purpose of this article, being to inform the reader on the many different forms of break up there are, it is first of all important to get out in the open what a break up actually is. The term break up refers to the act of separating from a partner/husband/wife or clergyman. It can also be considered a break up if the following colloquial terms are used, these being, examples, "dump" "end" or "your mum". Types of break ups to be discussed:

  • First Love
  • Double First Love
  • Hormonal
  • Used, also known as The Smirk
  • Introverted Emotional Break Up
  • Fire
  • Secret

First Love Break Ups Edit

This break up is one of the worst to bear out of all of them. Following this kind of break up can often emerge relentless hounding of one person involved by the other, and stalking in extreme cases. This is because of the vacuum of emotion left behind after this break up. It can often a powerful response such as the aforementioned as well as other adverse effects such as the relentless listening to of the Guns N' Roses song; "November Rain".

The theory behind it: This break up occurs when one of the people involved in the break up, (henceforth called person A), was the first love of the second person, (to be called person B). Because person B is unable to let person A go because of the strong emotion never felt before, the prieviously discussed effects tend to emerge, out of a willingness to be blind to everything happening. Much in the same fashion that an idiot puts his hands in his ears, closes his eyes and screams "LALALALALALALA" *Ahem*

Coping techniques: Person A: Shoot person B in the head or move countries. Not much will stop person B. Also consider pretending to be gay for a few months or start memorizing the bible, in fact anything which would seem detrimental to ones love life should be fine.

Person B: Unhook the phone, hit your PC with a hammer and throw your house keys out the window. Anything to keep you away from person A, your going to call them. You dont want to, but you will. Thats a guarantee. Also worth considering are pretending to be gay and talking the ears off anyone who will listen. Strong will is a necessity. Restraining orders are no fun. Nope.

Double First Love Break UpsEdit

Much like the prievously mentioned, "First Love Break Ups". Only difference is that instead of person A and person B, both of those involved exhibit the behaviours of person B. This, of course, awards very different results. Effects of this break up include several short relationships after the intitial break up, followed by a general decrease in respect in each other, culminating finally in lasting hatred for each other. Alternatively, it is quite possible that the two involved may just not talk anymore. But thats just crap.

The theory behind it: Person A and person B are both each others first love, and therefore staying apart proves quite difficult. (A way of thinking about this would be to imagine the pope without his hat, or Michael Jackson with a nose, or any other unlikely situation for that matter). As a result of mutual feelings, both parties feel the need to try again. Again and again. Frustrated by the not workingness of their subsequent relationships, they will then begin to resent and hate each other. Following this is usually repeatingly watching old "Friends" episodes.

Coping techniques: Person A: Slapping other person can help speed up the fling-hatred process. Also pretending to be gay can speed things up.

Person B: Slapping other person can help speed up the fling-hatred process. Also pretending to be gay can speed things up.

Hormonal Break Ups Edit

This type of break up tends to be aimed at bothering the more masculine part of this relationship to the brink of suicide, thanks to the more feminine part of the relationship's seemingly devil-imbued ability to evoke the highest form of emotional blackmail. The bitch. An easy way to tell if you are experiencing this form of break up is counting the amount of times you have been guilt tripped, or, on the other hand, how many times you have tried guilt tripping your ex.

The theory behind it: Person A is a very hormonal person, and as such, seeks to cause as many ructions as possible during, or just after the break up. This includes telling person B how many times you have cried, your suicidal thoughts or any other statements intended to make person B feel bad. Person B's behavior is the complete opposite of this, he/she just wants to get away. That said, there are two forms of behavior that person B may exhibit. One is trying your utmost to make things right and become nothing more than a Yorkshire terrier with linguistic ability, doing exactly what your told, when your told to do it. And biting people. The second behavior is simply not giving a shit.

Coping techniques: Person A: Use lots of adjectives detailing your whirlwind of emotions and cry on web cam. Further to this you can publicly shout at everyone around you, then blame person B for pushing you to the limit. Also, it is possible to further place guilt onto person B by pretending to be gay.

Person B: Stop listening, and drink lots to numb out the whining. Also consider shouting back at person A or try and reverse the guilt tripping by pretending to be gay.

Used/Smirky Break Ups Edit

These break ups are really funny to watch, but decidedly less fun if you are involved. However, person A in this situation often enjoys the breaking up stage almost as much as the actual relationship. This break up is categorized by two extremes: The huge amounts of fun felt by person A and the utter destrucution of person B. That said, they probably had it coming.

The theory behind it: Person A was using person B, simply enough. Whether it is for money, sex, promotions, etc etc. A lot of the time, the reason behind the usage is revenge. Because of this, person A has no feelings towards person B and so quite enjoys the breaking up, perhaps filming it for posting on the internet worldwide or something. Person B is understandably crushed by this, and like before, can go one of two ways. They could either curl up and die, or shoot person A.

Coping techniques: Person A: Just have fun. Pretending to be gay can also heighten the level of long term damage caused to person B.

Person B: Curl up and die. Alternatively, action can be taken such as shooting person A, for the less manly it is worth considering pretending to be gay.

Introverted Emotional Break Ups Edit

It is worth noting at this point that the introverted emotional break is dangerous. Very, very dangerous. The possibility for death in these scenarios are generally much higher than other forms of break up, or war, for that matter. Even more dangerous than telling The Devil you just had sex with his mother. Avoid, if possible.

The theory behind it: Person A, over a long period of time has grown to resent person B. Because person A tends to take things in his/her stride, small annoyances and stuff like that have been festering for a long time now. As break ups tend to bring out emotion in people, all of the pent up anger explodes, and bad things happen.

Coping techniques: Person A: Kill the bastard. Alternatively, it may worth some form of humiliation, like burning person B's clothes while person B is still in them. Another form of humiliation would be to say that because person B is such an asshole you have been turned gay.

Person B: Hide, no point in reasoning, just hide. Although reasoning is not much of an option, it is still possible to satiate the bloodlust by humiliating yourself, techniques can include burning your clothes while you are still in them and pretending to be gay.

Firey Break Ups Edit

This, as break ups go, is most likely to find itself on daytime talk shows. Characterized by a break up involving two people with very unique characteristics, this break up is rare but rather entertaining. To the onlookers at least.

The theory behind it: Both person A and person B are very passsionate people. As a result, they dont do anything by halves. During the break up, because of there passion/stubborness, several rows, (mostly in public), take place, getting more and more ridiculous. And more and more violent. Because they are so stubborn, neither are likely to back down any time soon.

Coping techniques: Person A:Shout, scream and slap. Anything at all to come out of this the stronger and to show that pompous bastard who's boss. Show that person B means nothing to you by pretending to be gay.

Person B:Shout, scream and slap. Anything at all to come out of this the stronger and to show that pompous bastard who's boss. Show that person A means nothing to you by pretending to be gay.

Secret Break Ups Edit

The final break up in this last, secret also happens to be one of the strangest. Thing is, you arent meant to know its happening. But oh my it is.

The theory behind it: Person A and person B, for whatever reason, NEED to be together for whatever reason. Be it an important deal with the boss who gives a shit for some reason, or in laws, perhaps to earn money. There are any number of possible reasons, all found in the rom-com aisle of your local film store. For the short term then, person A and person B must pretend to be happily married/together etc...

Coping techniques: Person A: Smile, say "dear" a lot and generally look nice. Until you get a chance to dig, oh so subtly, at the smug twat over there. DO NOT PRETEND TO BE GAY! What kind of illusion would that create? Save it for later.

Person B: Nod a lot and look like you care. Take any oppurtunity possible to envisage sticking knives into the back of person A and sulk in the kitchen wherever possible. DO NOT PRETEND TO BE GAY! Just threaten it and carry gay bar business cards and "accidently" drop them on the table during whatever important event. Just to watch person A sweat.

See also Edit