Bread machine

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Bread-Sandwich

Bread Sandwich

Bread sandwiches are great, they taste great and they're easy to make, and they're nutritious, but if you eat them every day -- or, anyway, if you eat them three times every day -- they can get boring. I'm sure you know what I mean. You can get the feeling that you want some, oh, you know, variety.

And here's how to do it!!

Just get a bread machine!!

Bread machines are the most fabulous invention of the last century, because with a bread machine, you can make any kind of bread you want. To help you out with your New Purchase, on this page we've provided a few basic recipes to get you going.

And best of all, every recipe here has been thoroughly tested, and several of the testers survived!

edit Garlic Bread

The first thing you'll want to try is making your own Garlic Bread. You know, like they have in those restaurants downtown where they serve red wine in a vase.

Now, to tell the truth, we had a little trouble with this recipe, because when you replace the flour with garlic, it kind of doesn't stick together much. So we had to add some sticky stuff to hold it together better. And it didn't rise too well, so we had to increase the yeast just a little. And there's less sugar in garlic than flour, so we had to add a little extra. And now, here's the result, which produces a perfect loaf every time:

  • Put 1/4 cup of water (yes, plain water) into the machine
  • Add 1 cup of sugar
  • Add 3 cups of smashed garlic
  • Add 2 cups of yeast
  • Add 2 cups of Elmer's glue

After running the machine, you may need to let the bread "set" for a while before slicing it.

edit Bagels

Oh, they are so divine. But how could you ever make bagels at home?

Use your bread machine!! Think about it -- what's the difference between a bagel and a piece of bread?

The bagel has a hole in it! That's all there is to it!

So, to make bread with a hole in it, start by taking the little paddle thing out of the machine (picture below). Throw it away. You don't really need it anyway, all it does is mush up the bread while it cooks, and it'll come out better if you leave that thing out.

Next take a used toilet paper role ... no, I mean, not a role of used toilet paper, I mean, a used up role, I mean .. oh, whatever. Take a cardboard tube and stick it in the machine in place of the little paddle thing you took out.

Now pour in the dough mixture around the tube. Jam the lid down good and hard, or the tube'll make it stick up a little and the stuff on top may be just a little sticky after.

Run it, and you're done!! Voila!! Perfect bagels, every time!!

Remove and discard this Place tube in center of pan Make sure lid is fully closed
Useless-paddle-thing
Machine-with-bagel-tube-in-place
Machine-with-bagel-tube-closed


If you want to make egg bagels instead of plain water bagels you can use this recipe:

  • 12 eggs
  • 1 pound butter
  • 1 pound sugar
  • 1 pint water
  • 1 cup yeast

Just place it in the machine and turn it on.

edit Bread bread

OK, so you've got your bread machine, and you've been baking all kinds of bread, and you've got bread all over the kitchen, all over your office, all over the living room, and you've found that there just aren't enough people in the world (who can stand being in your house) to eat it all.

So what do you do?

Recycle it!! No, no, I don't mean throw it in the compost -- I mean, make bread bread out of it!!

Here's the recipe:

  • Put 1 cup of water in the machine
  • Add 1 cup of sugar (it helps it rise)
  • Tear up 2 loaves of old bread, and put the pieces in the machine. If they don't seem to fit, just pack them down more firmly. A mallet may help.
  • Add 1 cup yeast (use more if it doesn't rise enough)

If it doesn't rise enough, it may be because the old bread was too old. In that case, just add more sugar.

And if you still have too much bread around and not enough people to eat it, well, you can just make bread bread bread out of it!!

And if even that doesn't work, try topping it to make it more attractive! An easy way to do it is to crumble up some old Bread bread, and cover your Bread-bread bread with bread crumbs, for breaded bread bread bread!

edit Sand-wich bread

Sandwich-bread-with-gravel

Sand-wich bread with crunchy gravel topping

Remember back when the school nurse called you down to her office and told you that you should brush your teeth, so that your breath wouldn't smell quite so much like an open crypt? She was wrong, you don't need to use a toothbrush at all. All you need is a bread machine, and our fabulous sand-wich bread recipe, because it cleans your teeth while you eat!!

Here's the recipe:

  • 1 cup water
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 cup yeast
  • 1 cup sand

For best mouth feel, use fine sand like you find on the bottom of an aquarium (but leave out the fish). And never try to substitute the "Salt 'n' Sand" stuff you dump on the front steps during the winter. The salt stops the bread from rising.

For a more interesting texture you can also add up to 1/2 cup of gravel. The stuff from your driveway should work fine.

edit PBJ

Everybody loves peanut butter and jelly. But it's annoying to have to actually make it before you can eat it. Wouldn't it be great to have it already made, just get out a slice of bread and eat it, no muss no fuss no bother? Well, now you can, with our PBJ Bread recipe!

We had a little trouble getting the peanut butter to mix in properly. If you've ever tried to wash a half pound of peanut butter off the front of your shirt, you already know that peanut butter doesn't dissolve in water. So, we had to make a slight substitution for the "liquid" in the recipe.

  • 2 cups peanut butter (any brand, but make sure it's smooth, not crunchy)
  • 1 cup jelly (any flavor)
  • 1 cup yeast
  • 1 1/2 cups gasoline (water didn't work with the peanut butter...)

Some of our tasters thought the result tasted a little funny, but after eating a loaf or two they stopped complaining. Or doing pretty much anything else, as a matter of fact.

edit Pizza Bread

Pizza is great, isn't it?

But it's 'way too complicated to make it yourself, and when you call that outfit downtown to bring you some it costs 'way too much money. So what to do?

Use your bread machine!! Here's a great recipe. After you try this, you'll wonder why you ever paid money for store-bought pizza!!

  • 1 cup flour (yes, real flour, just like real bread is made from!!)
  • 1 cup ground beef
  • 1 cup ground sausage
  • 1 cup tomato sauce
  • 2 cups olive oil
  • 1 cup yeast
  • Any other toppings you might want!! And they don't cost you $5 each the way they do from the store!!

Let it cook, and yum!!!

edit Concrete

Cement-Sandwich

Concrete Sandwich

Yes indeed you too can make your very own concrete!!
  • 3 cups sand
  • 3 cups Portland cement
  • 3 cups water

Place in bread machine and turn on. Let it cook, let it set, and pop it out of the pan!

(You may find a hammer to be helpful with the "pop it out" part.)

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