Brazil

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*[[HowTo:Be Brazilian]]
 
*[[HowTo:Be Brazilian]]
 
*[[Federal University of Santa Catarina, Brazil]]
 
*[[Federal University of Santa Catarina, Brazil]]
  +
*[[Roberto Carlos Braga]]
   
 
==Footnotes==
 
==Footnotes==

Revision as of 23:16, March 21, 2012


Estados Unidos do Brasil
United States of Brazil[1]
Brazil
Flag of Brazil Cbfguns
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "It's not our fault!" (former Disorder and Backwardness)
Anthem: "The Girl From Ipanema" (at elevators and department stores), "Roots, Bloody Roots" (war song)
BrazilEmpireMap
Capital Rio de Janeiro (summer), Buenos Aires (winter)
Largest city Hard to tell, what with the mirages and the ozone.
Official language(s) A strange Spanish dialect called Portuguese, spoken with what sounds uncannily like a Montreal accent.
Government Orgy
President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva da Carriage Return da Indent[who?]
National Hero(es) Pelé, Ayrton Senna, Zumbi, Beautiful Women and Barack Obama
Declaration
 of Independence
Are any of us truly free?
Currency Hostages
Religion New Age, Voodoo, Fundamentalist Evangelicals
Population A very rough estimate:
Major exports Music, rubber, alibis, drugs, bauxite, pamphlets that explain what bauxite is.
Major imports Fugitives, Volkswagen parts,
weapons of mass destruction
“We're all in it together, kid.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Brazil

Brazil is a pirate haven turned into a country on September 7, 1822. Brazil is best known for its history of cannibalism, its topless (for transvestites, bottomless for females) chick-esque culture of no-clothesism, its legendary soccer hooliganism and other criminal activities[2].


History

The Cannibalistic Era

704px-Cannibals.23232

Cannibalism in Brazil.

After several millenniums being a no-man's (read: Indians) land, Brazil was finally discovered by Cabral the Odorous in 1500 A.D. and immediately settled by Portuguese pickpockets and pirates. The 'Porras' were promptly eaten by the local Indians after getting their wives and mother-in-laws pregnant [citation needed]. Despite the Portuguese now being technically extinct, their mixed-race descendants continued the pretence of the so-called "country" and brought African slaves in who, in turn, ate the remnants of the Indians, who were, by all accounts, delicious [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much].

In the year 1580 A.D., the king of Portugal lost a poker game to the king of Spain. As an inconsequential result, Brazil reverted to the Spanish Crown and became occupied by Spanish Jesuits and settlers. In 1640 A.D., when it was finally established that the king of Spain had been cheating at cards, Brazil was handed back to Portugal and the Spanish-Brazilians had to learn Portuguese to be allowed to remain. It was a bad deal for the Spaniards; the cannibals, now 100% Christian, promptly ate them. They were apparently tasty but tough. Finally the colonists and natives lived side by side and developed a Língua Geral, or common language. The Europeans had brought disease with them, and most cannibals died out. After that a majority of the people decided to eat shellfish instead and the cannibalistic era was over.

The Brazilian Empire

Peter II

Emperor Peter II of Brazil, wearing his trademark Santa Claus carnival costume

In 1822, due to Simon Bolivar's terror campaign that lead to the independence of the Hispanic America, the King of Portugal, Don One the Chicken-Eater, told his elder son Peter the Womanizer to proclaim himself the Emperor of Brazil in order that, one day, eventually, Brazil and Portugal would rejoin. The plan didn't work out, and when Peter heard that, due a chicken bone choking incident, the throne of Portugal was vacant, he leaped from his feet and left Brazil to his 5 year-old son, Peter II, The Santa Clone.

By the mid-19th century, Queen Victoria told Peter II that African slavery was quite a smelly stuff. Moreover, it was making Brazil so black that it was getting harder and harder to take it seriously in international diplomacy. Peter, being a Santa Claus clone and by so being obviously a very kind-hearted man, disliked slavery himself and tried to end it by steps. With his first law, he managed to set free all slaves older than 70. With the lifestyle of Brazilian slaves being unhealthily luxurious, this law resulted in two slaves being freed: Uncle Tom and Aunt Helga, who were promptly thrashed to within an inch of their lives and expelled to live on the streets by their owner. Furthermore they were also unfortunately too senile to be present at the law's commemoration. In this way an the admirable intentions of Peter II were perverted.

Peter the Santa Clone also was concerned about Brazil turning into Haiti and a voodoo shaman overthrowing him due to his excessive whiteness. He lured some European immigrants to the country promising them free land. Most of these immigrants were promptly eaten by the cannibalistic locals, who were overzealous in their native traditions, including, of course, cannibalism. However, some of them did manage to escape and take refuge in the southern and south-western prairies of the country, nearby Argentina. That's why white Brazilian sightings are, if not common, at least not unheard of in the remote Southern regions.

War on Paraguay

During the age of the Brazilian Empire, the country went to war against the neighbouring Paraguay. This war was due to after-effects of colonialism in Latin America, and a diplomatic incident, like one the same it originate American civil war did occur when Paraguayan president Francisco Solano Lopez "El Quesoso" after had his proposal, to join The Lopes family with Brazilian Imperial family, refused, said "Your bastards, how do you dare? Your GangLand of Apes, Brazil is ridiculous" and received a prompt answer: "Ho ho ho, look who is talking, Paraguay is even more ridiculous". In reply, Paraguay answered through its embassy: "And you are ridiculously ridiculous" and heard back: "You are ridiculously ridiculously ridiculous na na na na na naaa". This diplomatic exchange kept going for years until the word "ridiculously" was filling 1,591 diplomatic bags for each exchange, and they found this fact somewhat ridiculous. So the two countries waged war to see who was more ridiculous with Brazil dragging Uruguay and Argentina along the way.

Almost 6 years and hundred thousands deaths after, both sides decided to put a end in the conflict through a drinking duel. In reality this kind of "liquid solution" had been tried twice and either times Lopez had won, one against the first allied commander, the argentinian Bartolomeu Mitre, who after lose the quarrel retreat from the war with a record time developed cirrhosis. The second time the duel loser was no one less than the Brazilian emperor in person, Peter II, the Santa Claus' clone, who to justify his fame gave to Lopes this precious Christmas' gift. But in both times, Lopez chuck away his fortune due to be so drunk after the duels that he was not in conditions to specify and make worth any possible demands as winner, as well as his entire council, generals and advisers whose in the process of celebrate the 2nd victory forgot to avoid the replay of this error. As punishment Lopez put them to death by drowning in barrels full of the infamous paraguayan Whiskey. So, one more time the allies representatives had succeed to retreat from the table duel before the paraguayan leader could back to his 'sobriety' (ethylicly talking).

But this 3rd time, retreating on battle fields, with Brazilian and allies troops already in the surroundings of the Paraguayan capital, Asunción city, Lopez knew that this was a last change he would had to save his Face and Bum. He just didn't knew that by this time his adversary will be a professional and skilled duelist not just on drinking but also in many kinds of duel, beyond be the new allied commander, the Duke of Caxias, aka "the closet queen" General. Furthermore the time and health had began to charge over Lopez years of drinking duels. By the 4rth day of duel, Lopez simply collapsed, after suffered his 5th alcoholic coma along the quarrel that was followed by the 16th heart attack, seeing he was lost, Lopez tried to suicide placing a bottle in his own ass. As he failed, Caxias undress the trousers, tooking off from his ass a huge rolling pin and showed it to Lopez, saying "don't you be ashamed sissy, weeping for so little?". See and hear that was the finishing stroke for Lopez. He didn't die, shocked and fell in a vegetative state with his body being confiscated by allies and selled to PT Barnum's circus to cover paraguayan debts of war.[3]

The End of Monarchy

After nineteen laws setting free specific portions of the slave population ("Just the ones with a mole on the left ear", "Just the ones lacking one member - eunuchs not included", "Just the soul singers", "Just the ones capable of growing a bee beard"), in 1888, Peter's daughter, Isabel The Plain, decided to really put an end to slavery. She had a discussion with her slave housemaid about hygiene — Africans have the weird habit of bathing daily instead of monthly. This upset many influential sectors of the Brazilian populace, as they could not tell the blacks from the less-than-blacks anymore. So, in 1889, the Monarchy was overthrown by a military coup and Isabel was sent into exile in Paris, France. She never did manage to express her gratitude in coherent words .

The First Brazilian Republic

Kicked the Emperor, had began the 1st republican Brazilian era, which under a good music background had it's 41 years made-up by fraudulent elections that alternate on surface national leadership, corrupt politics from states of São Paulo and Minas Gerais, practice aka as "coffee and milk politics", since these were the main products of these 2 states.

It was presumably to be a era it follow the lemma wrote on national flag, plenty of "order and progress" (sic). But with a lot of (Un)"order" and a little if any progress, beyond a quick and insignificant visit to World War I Theater and struggle against tropical diseases, Spanish flu etc, it also had lot of

  • civilian riots, which also means blood;
  • military insurrections, blood again;
  • intrigues, eventually blood;
  • "schemes";
  • treation, more blood ...well more the same. Saw enough? So move on.

The "New Order", a Glorious Civilian Dictatorship

Julia Bison

Getúlio Vargas, also shown at the Carnival with his "Banana Republic Dictator" costume. Historicists suspect that all following dictators were just clones of Vargas.

After the 1929's Crash the other states of federation, specially Rio Grande do Sul and Rio de Janeiro, didn't like the stop of money flooding from São Paulo and Minas, so decided that was time to put a end on that partnership.

Getúlio Danny DeVito Vargas, also known as Vargas the shortish, raised to power in a coup in October, 1930 promising real free elections and democracy. But he and the military whom supported him found the power a good thing to have and a hard to leave, so they're lay and lay there... initiating also a Latin American tradition that said when a military raised to power through a coup, if name it a "revolution", change the military clothes by civilian expensive dress suits, call the dictator "Mr. president", all this stuff will look like as reeeeal "democratic".

In July 1932, the Paulistas (the natives from state of São Paulo) tought that they had had enough from Vargas deciding put him down and bring back the old republican fashion but after some months of fighting, failed and had their butts kicked all the way back to their homes. In 1935, was the time for communist tried it but ...guess, they failed too and the survivors gain some loooong constrained Chain Gang vacations in the Tropical Syberia, the Amazon Rainforest then aka know as "The Green Hell". In 1938, the round to make a try was for Brazilian fascists, whom were resented due to had been get rid of the power despite their support to Vargas' (another) coup a year before. They were financially supported by Italy and Germany, it were resented too due the fact that the ambiguous Vargas had refused, in the same 1937 before, formally join the Axis of Power at side with them and Japan. But, well well well, guess again... this coup also failed although the fascists survivors, after the usual prison and torture season, had had to face a better fate (the exile) than the Reds 3 years before.

As a part of his new policies, Vargas decided to outlaw cannibals, Japs, Italians and Germans. The latter eventually allowed Brazil to court the favour of the Allies in WWII. Despite then Vargas acted like a fascist himself and found Nazis cooler-looking, the Americans gave a lot more in terms of diplomatic/commercial benefits, so in 1941 he promised to join forces with any country from American continent it would be attacked first by a non American nation. Indeed, he didn't expected to do nothing more than moral support and beauty speeches but fucking war!... Came Pearl Harbour and he had to keep his word (big mouth he thought); his friends Adolph and Mussolini didn't like it, furthermore Brazilians were helping Americans to supply the England and USSR, so they decided to give a lesson to those treacherous monkeys sinking many Brazilian's merchant ships they could catch. Well, like any other people, Brazilians are also scoundrelish but not chickens, so forced Vargas and the military to formally join forces with the Allies in 1942. But not Vargas not the military were very enthusiastic to dive in the allied cause, so they keep putting off, by one side the allied leaders like Churchill who wait additional military forces from the new member of the club and by other side the brazilian public, it wait for revenge against the nazi-fascist gang.

UNhistorical unTranscription dialog between W.Churchill(WC) and Getúlio Vargas(GV) through their ambassors in the autumm, 1942:
WC: Fuck it Vargas, when do you'll take your stinky butt out this seat and do something practical for the cause?
GV: Easy Winston, I'm thinking about the case...
WC: What?! Hells Vargas, Look, if your unorganizated government are unable to put your citizens in conditions to fight, give me them. We British will transport, train, equip and send them to help kick the germans and italians' butts right now in north of Africa.
GV: by chance, it would not look like as the "support" that you gave to portugueses on last World War or it would?
WC: eammmm... cough cough cough, Oh common' Vargas... do you born yesterday? Shit happens
GV: That's it.
WC:Your cynical, don't you care about what think your own people, angered to revenge the nazis' offenses?
GV: Common' Winston, we are politicians, none of us give a damm shit about public thinking, if there is such thing. The difference is that I admit it, after all I'm a dictator.
WC: Your... stupid savage. Do you have a tiny idea of the danger run the world and civilization if Hitler and his gang win this war? Have youuuuu?
GV: Well, I don't see why you are so anxious Winston; don't have now the russians and the yankees at Your ...eeaammm I mean Our side? Not mention the chineses in east and your own vast worldly empire to hide and make a guerrilla at worst scenario...
WC: @#$%¨&*** (muttered)
GV: So my friend, if the things slow down or gets real worse, you have my word that I'll uncouple my cannibals But little by little and by myself Ok?! In the meantime - easy and lets take a drink
Brazilian ambassor: your pure or with ice, prime minister?

UNhistorical unTranscription dialog between Franklin Roosevelt(FDR) and Getúlio Vargas(GV) a year later 1943:
FDR: Ok Vargas your bastard, now that Mussolini is out of the game and russians screwed the germans doing the hard work, before we americans finish the job I should ask if do you really want into the party, before this mess is over, honouring the will of your own people ...But since I known you very well your filthy piece of shit, I'll go right to the point; WHAT A_RE YOURR PRI__CE fellow?
GV: You know Franklin, I was already rich before being dictator so is not money...
FDR: Okaaaay I got it
GV: Weeell, Now we coming close to a deal.

Thus, Vargas and his own gang were just waiting the war came to a end by itself. Eventually Churchill lose his patience and quit But not Roosevelt nor the brazilians public and around 1944 as that fucking war didn't end by itself, Vargas was by the conditions forced ...again to keep his word and send the promised expeditionary force. At first sight, all Racists, from the enemy Germany to the ally USA didn't give a shit about that brazilians Army's division and a air fighter squadron; that "gang of cannibals", non segregate troops; "WHAT BAD EXAMPLE to white world!!!" Tsc tsc tsc But eventually were compelled to face the music and swallow those guys, Whom Fighting for democracy in Italy, kicking the fascist and nazis' butts while having a dictator in their own home became a little confused and in order to avoid thinking too much, threw down Vargas in 1945, right after the victory.
But as sometimes, the remedy is worse than the disease, they found better to bring him back, democratically elect in 1950. Four years latter, pushed by conditions ...agaaain, Vargas announced "fuck this political crisis! I won't leave before my term finish, I prefer kill myself than resign", so as the conditions worst, he decided ...one more time keep his words and ...killed himself (big mouth again); impressing and getting back his lost appeal with the public, screwing in this process all political enemies whom were almost taking the power with financial support of american agents unsatisfied with the petroleum nationalization one year before. So, with all this shit, it was postponed another militar dictatorship for happy 10 years.

Cheap cars, Bad drinkers and a new Capital

In the mid 1950's was elect Juscelino Kubitschek promising bring 50 years of progress in 5, altough vague as any Politician's promise, anyway considering the delay were in the country, also wasn't a hard task to do. But the "progress" was basically summed up to made easy to the Big wordly Cars factories came to country and the change of Summer capital from Rio de Janeiro to the geographic center of country, moving the political institutions away from population of big cities and the inconvenience of it's protests, which would make the elites classes' lifes in general, politicians and military included, much happier despite they didn't show it then but the contrary ...tsc tsc tsc ungrateful and near-sighted brazilian high society. 'Cause, in spite of, in practice, everything else remain in the shit, the jobs created with this process added to some victories in sports like in the 1958's World Cup help sell the useful delusion for the people that "Now the country was finally take off" "the Giant was finally wake" and other bullshit media's lemmas.


Whiskey Power

Some said that the power can inebriate. In 1961 the then brazilian president Jânio Quadros decided took it literally 'til the last drop.

But as there is no eternal happiness, in the 1960 was elect Jânio Quadros, a guy who definitively didn't knew how to drink. Contrary to artful scoundrels like Churchill, Vargas and Stalin, this one was easy and severelly knocked out by the drinks. Also unable to deal with the congress, in 1961 after some usual drinks he had the "splendid" idea to took a leaf out of Castro and De Gaulle and ask for his resign waiting that in Brazil the events would follow the similar paths of Cuba and France, that is, the congress and the people will run entreating him to back and offering anything to him stay in the office. But ...congress accept his resign and Nobody gave a shit about. When press ask him why he did so big shit, he blame on "liquid forces".
So, the vice-president João Goulart the Skinny, became president. The conservatives whom were unable to reach the power through elections accused him to be a communist (despite the contrary facts of being catholic, landowner and one of the richest men in Brazil) since he was pro for basic labor laws as to pay wages for employees. Therefore began the conspiration against his "too liberal" government And with the help of the very conservative press (besides the only it was exist then), some military looking for a reason to coup (just to mantain the traditions), political adversaries (eagers to took the presidential seat without the inconvenience and risks of a election), american support - easy to gain in Cold War context : "Hey Sucker, Look that guy, he is a communist, Boooooo, red since the birth, Booooo, give me your money to threw him down, make the business easy and keep the world free pffff" and last but not least, the help of himself, Goulart was set aside by a military coup on the night of march 31 to April, 1 (traditionaly know in Brazil, much before it happen, as the day of Lie) 1964.

The Hateful Military Dictatorship

In 1964, the new self-imposed dictator, Generalissimo Humberto Castello Branco The Neckless sent the Brazilian Army to invade the Dominican Republic from where Brazil tried to launch an invasion on USA to put an end to that hippie buffoonery. Fortunately for the American hippie mofos, the Brazilian government soon realized its mistake: they were destroying almost all of the potential tourists to Brazil. Until this hippie incident, Commie parties in Brazil were severely repressed. Nevertheless, the military found their destruction of traditional values quite appealing to sex tourists, so all of the remaining Communists were kept in special safehouses built in Brazilian universities. The side effect of this policy, that considering as communist anyone who didn't said "Yes, Sir" to everything came from dictatorship and american policy, added to then news about war crimes in Vietnam is the cause of the arise of the anti-Americanism in the 1960's and '70's of almost all Brazilians and Latin Americans as well. However, Brazilian culture is nevertheless warm and receptive, and they can easily forget about this for about 50 US Dollars (Subject to inflation). [4]

Specially from 1968, the military began to get rid of the opposition, labeling as dangerous “terrorist-communist-children-devoures”, killing, arresting and torturing, not necessarily in this order, anyone who was crazy enough to claim for democracy. In the meantime, most of the public was distracted amused by the vision of things like the economic boom, the 3rd World Cup acquired by the national football team and the economy secretary's promise that in the due time every one would receive her/his piece of the pie of economic development, taking part of the party.

Eventually, after the 1st petroleum crisis, each day passed sinalized to this majority, that the “due time” was turning far, far away in a vague future; the “Pie” was becoming rotten & smaller; the “party” was (again) coming to a end without their participation and, as misfortunes seldom come singly, the traditional way that the police had ever treated the poor people had joined with the “new” way of political repression that was class igualitarian. So, anyone could be now classified as a “terrorist-communist-children-devourer” to be legally killed, arrested and tortured, not necessarily in this order, even without being crazy enough to claim for “terrorist-communist-children-devourer”'s preferences as decent salaries or fair elections.

In end of 1970s, popular pressure, general strikes, the 2nd petroleum crisis and Jimmy “Human Rights” Carter (determination that the “smart” south americans vampires elites had had enough of the Sucker's blood american's money to combat the “red danger” that was revealed not that red neither that danger) leads General João Figueiredo to decide, after a much tought with his horses, that democracy was better.

But power it's a thing that is easy to enjoy but hard, very, very hard to leave. And even that there were not much more to the military plunder, the transition to democracy went slowwwwwnly, ve__ry, ve___ry, veeeeeeeery slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnly zzzzzzzzzzzzz .... wow oh, sorry, Where we were? Ah, in the end of that fucked dictatorship Okay, it's came to a end by steps in the mid80's in a serie of deals between the military and the main corrupt elite politicians under popular pressure. So guess, without what and Who all those deals were sealed? Yeah, free direct elections (that just happen in 1989) and the people, who had did the pressure but in the end, one more time, just lose out...

The Democracy, Yay!

Despite some complaints that giving a voting schedule to a Brazilian was like giving a razor to a chimpanzee, democracy caught on during the 80's.Soon educated Brazilians[5] would realize that it would be less of a disaster giving razors to Brazilian people instead.

A major scandal hit Brazil when in 1992 President Fernando Collor de Mello was caught on corruption. Outraged citizens deposed him and executed by a savage method for high treason. However, he was pardoned after ten years of being dead and was elected Senator. His successor Itamar Franco, wasn't so stupid and prefered funnier and safer activities than corruption

In 1999 Brazilian President Fernando Henrique Cardoso won an Academy Award for Best Actor, for highly convincing pretending being social-democrat.

Government and Policy

Lula da silva

Brazilian President Luís Inácio Lula da Silva. Commies The Bearded Toad [6]

Being colonized by pickpockets, pirates and mafia underbosses, Brazil is... nah, you know, you watch the news...

By the way, there are important issues when talking about Brazilian politics. The communists, sent to the Universities by the military dictatorship, started to develop their own administrative theories, in spite of the ANPT (Administration Non-Proliferation Treaty)

Well, after 500 years being ruled by local illuminati elites (The descendings of the mentioned pirates, scoundrels and slave merchants), the majority of people saw, again, that in all these centuries of slave work (1st legally and after disguised) they had got nothing of good_S, so nothing to lose, they decided to give a self_try electing one of themselves, Lula da Silva, “the bearded toad” to the despair of elites and the tiny & crude brazilian middle class (that according to him, are snobs who in swaggering to make believe they are rich, eat fish with fries but fart it to sound like caviar), for whose any oposition are “Commies”, had to swallow the toad, with his bear... who to them, is the true beast of the apocalipse, the “terrorist-communist-children-devourer” prototype, a tropical Robin Hood etc etc “After all who this gang of aboriginals think they are? Citizens? And for god's sake hell (sic), why these people want to make money or have wages? Isn't enough to have a work? Why they insist to eat every day? A weekly meal is good enough, ... @#$%¨&” “where are the fucking military who still didn't screw him?” “What the white house are waiting for to boycott this punk? Fucking shit


Brazilian Politicians

According to the local folklore, Brazilian politicians can only be killed with stakes, holy water or exorcisms from the Pope himself. The most popular theory is that they are Sauron's orcs in disguise, while some favor the idea that they are, in fact, Dracula's poor cousins enjoying their retirement in a tropical country. Support for the latter comes from famed politician-slash-dark-wizard Ioseph Dircaeus, who has been seen riding a Nazgul in the sky. His natural enemies are old men with canes and men abused by their wives (ie, Jefferson). They also tend not to like orcs.

They can be separated into 3 subsections:

  • The Corrupt: Approximately 99.37% of the Brazilian government can be classified here.
  • The Pure: Uncorrupted as of yet. Also known as "first-termers" or "idiots"
  • The Inane: President Squidward.

Economics

Xuxa

Xuxa, believe it or not, is Brazil's most famous children's TV hostess.[7] [8]

Brazil's main exports are transgender and mulatta wives to Europe. Brazil is also known on a global scale for its democratization of computers - you may buy any software for about $4, in open air, with no police issues raised. McDonald's internet cafes provided the base for the orkut takeover by angry Brazilian semi-literates.

Brazil's main imports are:

  • Almost everything non-edible from China (yeah, no big deal)
  • Smuggled goods from Paraguay (including returned stolen and hijacked Brazilian cars, washed "clean" in Paraguay)
  • Snacks and non-hippie/non-sexual tourists from Argentina (too poor for a decent trip)
  • Delicatessens and anti-American ideology from Europe
  • Tons of dope and some gratuitous resentment from Bolivia and Paraguay
  • Flute players from Peru
  • 1-litre beer bottles from Uruguay[9]
  • Criminals, terrorists and other fugitives from everywhere (warm and receptive, remember)
  • Dollars and Euros from college-degree toilet-washing illegals from all around the world

Brazil has four transnational corporations:

  • Globo: makes Mexican soap operas in Portuguese and television children shows featuring former go-go girls as hostesses. Brazil has a deep tradition in its soaps, differing from Mexican ones in that the main female character wears a bikini ad nauseum and has sex before marriage with her passing acquaintances, who, by the way, wear Hawaiian shirts with the 4 top buttons opened, instead of possessing a mustache.
  • Universal Church of the Kingdom of God: a strange cult based on "miracles for money". Their faith is practiced on former movie theaters turned into über-kitsch "temples".
  • Habib's: makes money selling tiny floppy over-moisturized pizzas called "sfihas". They call it Arabian food, despite topping these things with pork sausages.
  • Petrobras: despite the gas-inspired name, they are now trying to introduce sugar cane alcohol in USA. Just try to start a 100% ethanol fueled car in the winter — and we are talking about the Brazilian winter[10], not your pansy little "oh-look-some-snow" winter. Actually, Petrobras' main products are not gasoline or ethanol, but CEO chairs to trade to political allies and all of the Brazilian state-subsided movie production. Do you remember watching any Brazilian movie? So do Brazilians.

Society and Culture

Mapa brasil

A Brazillian point of view.

Carnaval Brazil

Brazil has a flourishing pet husbandry industry.

Brazilians have a warm and receptive culture. For instance, they received Ronald Biggs, Augusto Stroessner and Josef Mengele with open legs arms. With their warm and receptive justice code, any criminal, rapist, genocidal dictator or serial killer can feel at home in Brazil.

Er... Sorry, but however uncomfortable, we have to talk a little about this. Brazilians are considered somewhat dumb, that is, stupid. Not that there's no dumb people outside Brazil, but that's a confirmed fact[citation needed]. The Brazilian international IQ average is 85[11]. The same distance that separates them from the 105 IQ'ed Japanese separates the average American from Forrest Gump[12]. As an example demonstrating such dumbness, when Brazilians are told that they are dumb, they answer that they are dumb because they are poor. This is an excellent argument. They could have followed the example of Koreans, who were dumb and poor as hell but at least were smart enough to decide to not be dumb anymore and, thus, stop being poor. Unfortunately, Brazilians are too dumb to follow examples. Sad.

Brazilians are not racist. Brazilian history has extensively proven how easy having a non-racist penis is; because of the mad-dash of interracial sex and pregnancy, they have about 10,000 "races" there, each defined by a proper adjective for being less-than-black or blacker-than-average (pardo, café-com-leite, sarará, moreninho, petróleo, Pelé, etc.). Every year there are contests to see who is the least black in each village. It's a tight contest, preceded by record sales of soap and sulphuric acid. In truth Brazilians are really shades of gray between white and black.

The South and Southeast of Brazil is inhabited mainly by decadent conservatives, capitalists, indies, headbangers, rappers and other boring people with no redeeming exoticism to save them from being cursed as "Members of the Western World". For that reason, they pay tribute to maintain the glorious 100% non-Western lush state-subsided cultural melting pot of the rest of the country.

Brazil is the world's main exporter of elevator music. For the ones too poor to afford an elevator, Brazilian also produce the shittiest Latin crap in the world.

Brazilian street fighting, or capoeira, is internationally famous, thanks to some cheesy action movies and popular video games. Capoeira consists of dancing while pretending you are fighting or, inversely, fighting while pretending you are dancing. Yeah, this doesn't work much. Brazilians changed to Jiu Jitsu for urban combat and left the capoeira just as a tourist trap.

And there's the Carnival... Yeah... Well, that's the festival in February or, sometimes, March when Brazilians (un)dress like chickens, flock to the streets, dance to the sound of very annoying music, and proceed to drink and screw a lot. Except for the chicken costumes, all of that occurs all year long in Brazil, so Carnival is damn near pointless, except to the mafia bosses who organize the parades, the sex tourists who want to see the parades, and the TV celebs that dress like chickens during the parades.

Sports

JuniorDosSantos

Junior Dos Santos beating up the Legend himself, Mirko Cro Cop. All in the name of Brazil!

SCmaradona

Maradona, the best Brazilian football player.

Ronaldoh

Messi while playing for Brazil

Brazil is internationally known as the home of soccer football. Seems that's the only thing they can do properly. The country is the birthplace of the ugliest best football players of the world, like Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Pelé, Messi and Maradona[13].

Despite the common misconception that Brazil is inhabited only by soccer hooligans, there are some rather unusual sports quite popular as well, like Mugging Tourists, Kidnapping Tourists, Shooting Tourists, Running From The Cops, Gun Fighting, Torching, And setting up traps to set bodies on fire in between 5 sets of rubber tires to Burn Tourists.

Brazilians also rule the fighting sport of Mixed Martial Arts but we won't expect you pussy Americans to understand what a tough sport is.

Religions

Despite the vast majority of Brazilians declaring themselves Catholics, the religious scene of Brazil is quite syncretic. Brazilians are all adept in more than one religion at the same time.

  • Brazilian-style Catholicism: about the same as normal Catholicism, just that you can wear condoms and screw a lot before, during and after the marriage and don't feel any guilt. Killing a white middle-class person in Brazilian Catholicism is also considered a minor sin if performed by an almost-revolutionary-socially-excluded person.
  • Spiritualism: when the world was asking "who is stupid enough to believe in Allan Kardec"...
  • Fundamentalist Evangelicals: basically, the local variation was founded by street burglars. But instead of yelling "Your money or your life" they started asking: "Your money or your eternal life".
  • Traditional Evangelicals: the same as Fundamentalist Evangelicals but attending services at way poorer churches because their priests never learned how to take as much money from people as the Fundamentalist Evangelical ones do.
  • Voodoo: or Macumba, as the locals call it. Afro-Brazilian religion, in which the old Yoruba and Bantu gods had their names exchanged with Catholic saints because these folks are too much ashamed to admit they practice a so 4th worldish thing like voodoo. Funny drumplay, but this religion is almost forgotten, except by state-funded tourist-trapping hula-hulas.
  • New Age: you guessed it right. Cheap marijuana, waterfalls, beaches lacking infrastructure, black people lacking teeth... Yeah, Brazil is a hippie's dreamland.
  • The Cult of The Butt: actually, the only religion practiced by 100% male Brazilians. The adepts congregate at temples called bars, drink their sacred beverage, and start singing chants about their favourite body part. When a female passes, they perform the sacred ritual named stalking. Historians once thought that the Brazilian flag was inspired by freemasonry, but the real answer is quite obvious from that curve (see above)...
Jose2

One of the most famous Brazilian pimps is Joe Carioca.

Snogging or sniffing

A very famous love story in Brazil...

The Amazon

Green. Hot. Big. Shrinking. Overflowing with mosquitoes. 2,000 miles from where 99.99% of Brazilians live, although some people in Glasgow think all the Brazilians live in Amazonia.

BrazilMap

See also

Footnotes

  1. No joke, it was this name for a long time.
  2. According to anthropologists, the country is reminiscent of the cannibalistic ages.
  3. True.
  4. "We fuck you, fuck you for just fifty bucks!"
  5. Note: oxymoron not intended
  6. For those who didn't get it: Lula=Squid in Portuguese
  7. This picture is from Brazilian Playboy magazine, taken before she started her TV career. Wink wink.
  8. Do you think this image should have made this article Not Safe For Work?... Well, that's a damn shame. All of Brazil is not safe for work.
  9. We had to say something positive!
  10. At its coldest, a minimum of 30º F in very small portions of the country; mostly ranging from 48 to 60 or no winter at all
  11. Yeah, that's true
  12. Also true...
  13. Not true. Maradona is an Agentinian drug addict

Videos

Note: if you don't speak Portuguese, this list is useless to you. Anyway, if you don't speak Portuguese, why are you interested in Brazil? Are you a hippie? Or a sex tourist? In case of the latter, call me at 55 69 6924-2469.

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