Bratz
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“Little brats! They deserve to die!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bratzl
“I now know what an orgasm is...”
~ Hugh Jackman on Bratz
“ In Russia bratz play with you”
~ Russia on bratz
“Chloe Blow... She was my first...”
~ Bill Gates on Bratz
Bratz are those dolls that look like Barbie after 17 rum and cokes and a fumble in the lady's toilets. Bratz, originally intended to be called Slutz were created by a man of sordid desires, wishing to create a depraved role model for young kids to try and emulate. But, going further than that, he also decided to whore out his barely legal creation with as many different things as possible (see below) which further educate children to act like some kind of harlot. They also supposedly support raising self-esteem by applying 50 pounds of make-up.
Bratz debuted in 2002 as a hip alternative to Mattel's Barbie, and vowed to become the doll's biggest corrupter of today's youth, overtaking McDonalds and syphillis. It almost worked until America realized they were encouraging their growing girls to dress like strippers and marry Kevin Federline. They have names like Chloe Blowjob, Sasha Cyrus, Jade Goldigger, Yasmin Groupie, and Roxxi Cocksie and come with outfits that would make Jenna Jameson look like Mother Teresa.
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[edit] The Dollz
The image of the Bratz Dollz is radically different from the original concept. They were known in the 1980s as 'RuPauls', later becoming 'Trannylicious'. They were created by Carter Bryant, who was stupid enough to create the trashy Hollywood look-a-likes whilst under contract with Mattel. The ensemble consisted of:
Yasmin - Based on 2 Live Crew groupies everywhere. Special accessories: Vibrator and Ecstacy pills. (Named after the birth control pill, which she never takes.)
Chloe - A Blonde Bitch. Originally to have been called Peariss Hillten after the socialite Heiress. Accessories to include yappy dog and hair extensions. Hobbies included shoplifting and sex tapes.
Jade - Based on Paul McCartney's one-legged ex-wife. Accessories including removable leg and no personality.
Their name was changed to the less-offensive 'Bratz', and the decision was made to add a new character. Bryant gave 69 writers twenty-four hours in a room with Rosie O'Donnell to decide who the new member would be. Due to the aid of Rosie, the writers were released to Bryant in 69 minutes. Fumbling for an idea, the head writer blurted 'A triflin' chicken head!' Bryant liked this, and the character of Sasha was created.
There is also an X-rated TV show based on the dolls, with the usual poor excuse to show young girls what 'adult' life is like. The show consists of the Bratz prancing around looking skanky whilst solving their latest mystery of Who Stole My Sex Tape?
[edit] Genie Magicz
Genie Magicz is the second Bratz movie, totally unoriginal and un-unique (Actually it sucked ballz). It has no relevance to the Aladdin movie whatsoever, and is a big-time rip-off. In fact, none of the geniez look at all like Jasmine or transvestite versions of Genie from Aladdin.
This completely original story takes place in Saudi Arabia, in an underground cellar, where the girlz tell bedtime stories to each other as they are hiding in a bomb shelter. They await their deathz by telling fairy talez to take their minds off their upcoming brutal deathz. Their imaginationz get the best of them so much that they think they are geniez. The movie ends when all of them decide to hook up with rich Arabian teenage playboys, get pregnant, ditch the babies on their parents and then go out clubbing all night in Adidas tracksuits until they eventually die of liver failure and Gonorrhea.
Yasmin was promptly kicked out from the group during the making of the film, as she kept peppering the director, Ron Jeremy, with criticismz about how inaccurately he represented the Middle East.
[edit] The Tiny World of Bratz Merchandise
(All of these are real, at least they were at the time of writing)
There is an Official Bratz book out called 'Strut It' that teaches 6 year olds how to build confidence, make themselves feel and look great ( By applying 50 pounds of make-up ) and readers "share their favourite products". All of this is wrapped up with "Just do it, Girl!". Okay, problems for teenagers, yes. But 6 year olds!? Bloody hell! Why not just call it "How to be a teenywhore!" and have done with it!
Included within the lineup are 'Bratz Babyz' or however the hell you spell it. I'm presuming that these are the children of the Bratz themselves that they put up for adoption. Another fine example. They have children, so they spend all their money on shoes and frocks and go out clubbing all night in the Official Bratz Disco. Again, aimed at 6+ years, they give a FINE example for children, considering 6 is the age they all first got pregnant.
But wait, Bratz has covered this! When the message is acted upon and your child gets up the sprog with a child, you can push it around in the Official Bratz Pram!
In the kitchen, your child is hungry. Where can she store all of her food? Why yes! In the Official Bratz Refrigerator!. Even more hilarious is that, according to Amazon.com, the Fridge "Is NOT a Toy!"... So why the bloody hell has it been included in the TOY section of the site within a line of childrens TOYs!??!
And what can the kids use to eat their food? Why yes, the Official Bratz Cutlery!
When your child is in bed and needs a light, why not buy her the Official Bratz Pyramid Table Lamp! Which again, according to the TOY section of the site, is NOT a toy...
You've brought your child a Bratz doll with the Offical Bratz Clothes Store, the Official Bratz Beach House, the numerous cars and clothes... What else can you get her? Why yes! You can always go and buy her the Official Bratz Locker!
And when your child has gotten tired of walking all of those catwalks and fashion shops that the Bratz dolls are promoting, you can always get her the Official Bratz Motorbike!. Notice the extremely proud boast that's made on the Amazon page? Apparently one of the BIG things that's going for this item is that it has "Real rolling wheels"...WTF!? And if your child doesn't like that particular Bike, you can always get them the OTHER Official Bratz Motorcycle.
Does your fictional little Bratz doll need to phone up other fictional little Bratz dolls and fictional little stories? Well, now they can, in the Official Bratz Red London Phonebox!
And if that wasn't enough, you can always buy the Official Bratz Real Cordless Telephone! And it's NOT a Toy!!!!
It's just SO unfashionable for a group of girl teenagers not to have a gay friend. Don't worry! Bratz have it covered. say hello to Koby - the Official Bratz Stereotypical Token Gay. They've even given him a fucking SAILOR SUIT with FLARES!!!
When your Bratz doll isn't being REALLY busy trying on clothes, phoning up people in her Red London Phonebox or putting things into her own personal locker, she likes playing music in the Official Bratz Band Lineup!. And, oh look! There's a review!... "i really want this toy because it looks cool, even if they are ornaments. I really really want it.". Kinda says it all...
But wait, if the Bratz are doing it then your child HAS to be doing it as well! Well then, why not buy her the Official Bratz Guitar! It's Not a Toy either!
Maybe you can't play guitar. Well, Bratz has you covered as well, for you could always get the Official Bratz Karaoke Unit
And if that wasn't enough, you can also get the Official Bratz Cordless Microphone!
Your daughter is bored and you suggest that she go out and get some fresh air. Surely she has to do something that her beloved Bratz do, and sure enough they can, with the Official Bratz Kite!
Maybe she doesn't want to fly a kite though. No problems! You can get the Official Bratz Scooter!
But surely your kid needs to feel safe when riding the scooter. Well then, buy her the Official Bratz Helmet and Official Bratz Safety Pads! Nothing gets by these folks!
Is your Bratz doll dirty? Don't wash her in the sink, that's CHEAP! No, why don't you get your mum to buy the Official Bratz Bubble Blitz Bathtub to wash her in!?
Are your Bratz dolls jealous of Carole Smillie? Do they think they could do a much better decorating job than Lawrence Lewellyn Bowen? Well, now they can, in the Official Bratz 'Transformin' Room'!
Is your Bratz lover a digifreak? Does she love gadgets? Well then Bratz has you covered yet again! Why not get your daughter the Official Bratz 13" Television?
Does she like photography? Well then you can always get the Official Bratz Digital Camera! What, she doesn't like that one? Well no problems! You can always get the OTHER Official Bratz Digital Camera!
Then you can buy her the Official Bratz MP3 Player for her to listen to all her music on!
But why stop there. The MP3 player isn't waterproof, so when your daughter has to wash, she can always keep listening to music with the Official Bratz Shower Radio!
And when she's washed, she can put her makeup back on whilst looking into the Official Bratz Vanity Mirror!
Is your daughter bored? Well the Bratz have pets you know? Yes, apparently it's standard fashion and something that everybody has as a pet! Yes, I'm talking about the Official Bratz Pet White Fox! White not your colour? Don't worry, you can also get them in blue.
But if she doesn't want a pet, she can always play the Official Bratz Twister!
Going to the beach and worried where your daughter and her friends are going to sit? Don't bother with a mat or anything, because you can always buy them the Official Bratz Beach Table and four Official Bratz Beach Chairs to put around it.
Is your Christmas tree not looking fashionable enough? Well, worry no more, for now you can buy Official Bratz Tree Ornaments to hang on it!
And where to keep this immense pile of crap? Well, look no further than the Official Bratz Wheeled Apparel Storage Bin!
But I've kept the best until last, for there is one piece of merchandise that is monumentally CRAP! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, the Official Bratz Laptop. This thing has a tiny screen and nothing can be seen on it, but far worse than that is that it's billed as 'educational' and one of the teaching games here is for mathematics. How's this for teaching your children... They're given a simple sum - say, 8 + 8. Now, common math law would suggest that the answer to this simple sum is 16. Well, apparently it's SO unfashionable to be able to add up and have come up with an ingenious way to combat this problem. Apparently, you have to type the answers in REVERSE. Yup, so to input the answer 16 you actually have to input '61'. That is so clever not even *I* could have thought that one up! Golly Gosh Gee!
[edit] Parental Oppositionz
So yeah, my mom doesn't like Bratz. I think she's, like, totally jealous, because they're all hot like me, and she's fat, old and ugly. I heard her talking on the phone to someone, and she thinks I’m turning into a total slut. And OMG, that is totally not true y'all! Like, I’ve only ever kissed like, three boys, and I’m like almost 8! I am like, the opposite of a slut! And I don't dress like a slut, I dress like Paris Hilton, who is a totally great role model! Like seriously, she needs to chill and stop trying to ruin my life. I remember thiz one time, I wanted her to buy me this TOTALLEH kute designer purse (Duh! Expensive things are kute. always. It's a rule) but she wouldn't let me get it. Really! It's like only $495 dollars. Only. Not that much! Hello?
