Brantford
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| Brantford | ||||
UK Release film poster for Brantford | ||||
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| Writers | Oscar Wilde, Charles Dickens | |||
| Starring |
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| Producers | Mel Brooks | |||
| Director | Mel Brooks | |||
| Runtime | Ninety (90) minutes | |||
| Language | English / Amish | |||
| Distributed by | Fox Bros. Network | |||
| IMDb rating |  
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Brantford is a 1995 fantasy-adventure film that tells of a possessed boardgame that devours it's players over time. The film starred Vin Diesel, Rowan Atkinson, Meg Griffin, and Daffy Duck.
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[edit] Plot
The film opens in 1795, when two siblings, Dick and Fanny (played by Tom Cruise and Paris Hilton respectively), come and bury a huge box labeled TNT in the ground, hoping that it will never be found (ha ha, I should bloody coco). With nothing better to do, they fondle each other and make out on the ground.
There is then a flash-forward to 1955, where a young rocker named Sid Snot (played by Vin Diesel) is knocking the shit out of some school bullies purely for the sake of it and banging their girls behind the burger bar. After milking himself dry, Snot hears the sound of Amish builders singing off-key. The sound attracts him to the sight of two skeletons embracing each other, with a box sticking out of the ground closely.
Tearing the box up with his nostrils, Snot finds a board-game inside, Brantford, a board-game about an Amish township in New Hampshire. Taking the game home, Snot rolls the dice, and he receives a clue:
IN THE TOWN YOU MUST PLEASE WAIT, UNTIL THE DICE READ ONE OR EIGHT
Snot is sucked into the game, which is left alone as a house is constructed around the small patch of earth where the game was left. 50 years later, the house is being used as the Fuck and Flail BDSM Agency, run by Robin Ballsqueeze (Rowan Atkinson) and his associates, Paula Doutchbog (Meg Griffin) and Drake von Zoophile (Daffy Duck). Some plumbing work has to be done, and so they hire an expert to deal with it.
The plumber, Jane Skirt fondle (played by Lindsay Lohan) arrives and tears up some of the floorboards, finding the Brantford game within. The three take a look, and Drake rolls the die, thinking the game to be the Amish version of Craps. The dice reads 8, and another clue appears:
HIS BALLS ARE GONE, HIS GRIP IS TIGHT, BUT DO NOT ABUSE HIM OR PREPARE TO FIGHT
Sid Snot emerges from the game, ecstatic at his new-found freedom, and the trio quickly interrogate him, learning that Brantford is more than just your average-Joe magical board game. This one was created by an evil shaman who was exiled from an Amish community. Anyone who is sucked into the game is eaten piece-by-piece over the years, and the game itself continues to unleash carnage on the world until the game is over.
Snot himself has been trapped in Brantford for 50 years, in which time the game has devoured his meatstick and his balls, but nothing else of much importance. The four decide to finish the game so that they can get back to real life, and Sid can have his member back. With Sid and Drake already done, Robin has a go, and his clue reads thus:
A LIBRARIAN FROM THE HILL OF ANTS, MAKES YOU REALLY SHIT YOUR PANTS
Sid recognizes the clue, and they are chased by a maniac librarian with a shotgun named Van Bentley (played by Gregory Hines). They are chased from the house and take refuge in the school whilst Van Bentley goes off to steal a tank and a few guns from the local gunrunner, Spiny Norman (played by Sonic the Hedgehog).
Jane rolls, then rills, then ralls, before getting down to business and rolls the dice. Her clue is:
LIVING UP TO YOUR NAME MAY SEEM A CHORE, BUT DO IT OR YOU'LL EXIST NO MORE
This clue satisfies Sid and the others, but Jane doesn't. Unfortunately, several cockroaches start crawling up her leg, and Sid leads Robin and Drake to get rid of them, but once all of the cockroaches are gone, their task quickly turns into one big fingering orgy with Peta Fyles (Bill Cosby).
Afterward, Sid realizes that if he rolls a twelve, he'll win the game and everything will be over, but the director (Mel Brooks) distracts him to avoid the movie ending too quickly, and Sid instead rolls only a seven. The clue (surprise, surprise) is:
KNOWLEDGE IS THE KEY TO THIS ALLUSION, IGNORANCE IS NO SOLUTION
The whole group suddenly fall into a drug-hallucination, and start getting loaded off passing lumps of Lemon Sherbert, or Dr. Bullshitter (Uwe Boll). Robin realises that something is wrong, and tells everyone to grow up, breaking the illusion. Drake rolls the dice, and the clue is this:
GET ON WITH IT, WE'RE SHORT OF TIME, THE WAY TO STOP IT IS WITH A LINE
Van Bentley returns on the back of a Panzer he stole from George Bush, by making Boomer Bob (Val Kilmer) appear like magic, and fires at the group, killing a passing maniac in a Dongleberry Bush. Using a fishing line, Drake pulls Van Bentley out of the tank, which careers out of control down a chasm and destroys Conneticut in the explosion. They beat Van Bentley into a bloody pulp, and Sid rips his head off to get him out of the way.
After a few more really boring bits that nobody really cares about, Sid wins the game, he gets his balls back, the game ends up in France. Hooray everyone, the end.
[edit] Reaction
Reaction to the film was mixed. Some praised the over-the-top violence and gore, whilst others slandered the fantasy element of the film. Roger Ebert of Pedophile Weekly said:
"I'm just so fucking sick of seeing films about goblins and fairies. OK, they got away with it with the Amish background, but just for once, Brooks, can you do something that isn't connected to Tolkein?"
Others were fairly fair of the film's fairly fair fairness. Mary Hart said of the film:
"Brantford's an interesting blend of horror, fantasy, adventure, comedy, drama and pornography, and there are very few films like this that can get away with being just one big rip-off and still be fun to watch."
[edit] Cast
- Vin Diesel - Sid Snot
- Rowan Atkinson - Robin Ballsqueeze
- Meg Griffin - Paula Doutchbog
- Daffy Duck - Drake von Zoophile
- Lindsay Lohan - Jane Skirtfondle
- Gregory Hines - Van Bentley
- Tom Cruise - Dick
- Paris Hilton - Fanny
- Bill Cosby - Peta Fyles
- Uwe Boll - Dr. Bullshitter
- Mel Brooks - The Director
- Sonic the Hedgehog - Spiny Norman the Gunshop Owner
- Val Kilmer - Boomer Bob
- Gordon Brown - Maniac in the Dongleberry Bush (uncredited)
[edit] Crew
- Mel Brooks - Director / Producer / Bullshitter
- Oscar Wilde - Writer
- Charles Dickens - Another writer
- Britney Spears - Music
- John Lennon - Special effects
- Doctor Who - Lighting / Heating / Shagging
- John McCain - Editor / Furry Designer / Costume Designer / Gay Designer
- Minnie Mouse - Catering
[edit] Soundtrack
- Macho Man - Village People
- Stayin' Alive - The Bee Gees
- My Love is a Prick (On a Tudor Rose) - Edmund Blackadder
- Theme from Christine - Stephen King and his Orchestra of Death
- Shake Shake Shake - KC/DC and the Sunshine Band
- Whatever You Imagine - Whoopi Goldberg
- YMCA - Village People
- Theme from Brantford - Mel Brooks
[edit] See Also
- Duckula: Dead and Loving It - Another film by Brooks released in the same year
