Brandon Flowers

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Brandon looking masculine as ever at the 98th annual VMAs

Brandon Flowers (Brandon Rutherford Flowers; born July 4, 1981) also known as the original Baby Ruth is a singer, philanthropist, notorious mormon, and best known for his role as the lead singer of the grunge rock group, The Kills. Brandon is currently stationed in Afghanisand as part of Seal Team 4's "Mr. Brightside" unit; a regiment of musically inclined super soldiers who were tasked to take down Osama Bin Laden, but have been radio dark for since 2004. While on tour in Afghanisand Brandon released his debut solo album "Flamenco," and also somehow gave birth to a son, despite being MIA for 7 years (at that time.) Brantley Rutherford Flowers, also known as 'Solid Baby Ruth' takes on Brandon's persona and acts as the stand-in replacement for Brandon when touring with The Kills.

edit Origin of The Kills and Hot Fudge


Dave Keurig at the TV Land awards

Brandon was working in Las Vegas as a meter maid when he backed his shopping cart into guitarist Dave Keurig. Keurig was at first angered, but was then extremely fascinated with Flower's ability to make his voice sound completely female. Keurig (who already achieved a wealth of fame from his 'Geico caveman commercials' later stated that he know from the instant he met Brandon they would have a musical career together, quote: "Dressing in tiger print, wearin' make-up, gluing feathers on our fancy suits, you know, all the fun stuff!" Flowers and Keurig went on to record their first studio album "Hot Fudge" with the addition of bassist Mark Stoermer and Greece's number one Vince Vaughn impressionist: Pippi Pappalucci (later replaced by his son Ronnie Vannuci.) Post release Hot Fudge quickly rose the ranks of the Billboard top 1200, and sat as number -1 in the Europop shitlist for over 2 months. When asked about his sudden jump to musical fame, Brandon responded: "You gotta just put your money where you mouth is man, you know? My mouth is always on the money homie, you feel me? Music is about how good you work with your mouth." When asked about his childhood obesity Brandon quickly fled the scene.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Brandon Flowers.

edit Service in the US Armed Forces

4 months after the release of "Hot Fudge," Brandon Flowers pledged that he would us his sudden spike in fame and resources to take down the number one enemy of all musicians the US, and former meter maids: Osama Bin Laden. Brandon Flowers (with the help of Island Records) then founded the "Mr Brightside" unit, under joint chief's of staff operation "Battle Born." Flowers and then drummer Pippi Pappalucci assembled a crack team of musical super soldiers to take the fight back to Afghanisand. The team consisted of Flowers, Pappalucci, Re-yanna, Randy from Screwmissle, and hated Dane Lars Ulrich (aka Large Oilrig.) The soldiers were further known by their code name "Maroon 5" and have been radio silent since deployment. Many have speculated the teams death, but evidence of Flower's and Pappalucci's influence in both Geopolitics and The Kills has been increasingly evident.

edit Birth of son and continuation of The Kills


Brantley Flowers

Remaining Kills members Keurig and Stoermer soon became worrisome of Brandon and Pippi's hiatus from the band. With their backs against the wall Keurig green lighted covert operation "Human," an effort to clone Flowers and Pappalucci using the very same technology that scientists cloned Keurig from neanderthal DNA. After many failures the chromosome splicing finally stuck, and Brantley Rutherford Flowers, codename Solid Baby Ruth, emerged from the embryonic tanks. Pippi Pappalucci's clone appeared not so complete, but Keurig decided that anyone missing a couple of chromosomes could drum for the Kills anyway. The Pappalucci clone did not resemble his father enough to be given 'Solid" status, so Stoermer thus dubbed him Ronnie "The Gaspucci" Vannuci. Under the leadership of Brantley Flowers, The Kills quickly rose back to former glory. Fans without inside knowledge could never even tell the difference between Brantley and his father's womanlike shrieking, glitter duster feather sword, and amazingly homosexual antics on stage. Combined with Vannuci's exceptional technique and ever occurring blast beats, The Kills were back on track to taking over the world.

edit Return from war and Flamingo


Brandon Flower's debut solo album "Flamenco"

Sometime in 2012, after exhausting all resources and losing faith in existence of Osama Bin Laden, Flowers decided to call the manhunt quits and return to music. Pleased with the success of his son and The Kills, Flowers decided to take is solo, producing, writing, drumming and marketing his debut album: "Flaming Joe: The life abroad and perfect fuckin," or "Flamenco" for short. Though record sales were slow at first, Flower's album was a sleeper hit with such tracks as "Watch dem cookies," and "Mr. Brightside 3: Electric Boogaloo." Flowers musical genius did not go unnoticed that award season, and Flamenco took home over 46 Grammys (including "Sexiest Mattress" and "Longest Cumshot." Flowers soon refuked the album, calling it "Bloody rubbish that I wouldn't wipe my arse with!" When questioned about his new english accent flowers exclaimed to one E news reporter "Piss off" before dumping a 22 caliber revolver into the crowd. No bystanders were harmed, but Flowers seemed shaken up by the event.

edit Hiatus and Battle Born

In 2013 after a short stint running the light show for Enuff Z'Nuff Flowers decided it was about time to reunite with the Kills. After many late night rendezvous with Stoermer and Keurig, the band agreed it was time to to bring Brandon back to the helm, and released Brantley of his services. Brantley seemed to take the exodus from the band well, even after Brandon wrote "lol Fuckboy" on his Myspace wall. "I just don't think they ended it the right way," said Brantley. Immediately on Brandon's return the band started producing their 19th studio album "Trapped Under Rice." The album consisted of over 30 of Flower's favorite Metallica covers, while incorporating as many gongs and asian lap steel sounds as possible. Halfway through the production of the album somebody mentioned Pearl Harbour, which was apparently news to Brandon, a well known Patriot. "I ain't making no album celebrating Japs or Jap culture," spouted Flowers in an interview with Cat Fancy's "Feline Fall Fanatics!" Issue. Reminded of his past heroism, Flowers decided to name the album "Battle Born" after his 10 year tour in Afghanisand where literally thousands of people died and many a sweet boy violated. Battle Born was not well received, and was dubbed "A Xenophobic masterpiece that captures the true essence of the white zeitgeist in today's America," by American National Socialist magazine. Battle Born's title track "Battle Born sets an industry record by referring to the n-word over 70 times in a 2.5 minute song. Flowers has since apologized to the general public for the album. "The next one won't be like this, I went to a place deep dark inside of me, a black place that not even Dave has seen." Battle Born was cited as one of the highest influences of the KKK and Aryan Brotherhood membership boom of 2014.

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