Brainstorming

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 08:42, December 18, 2010 by 76.253.100.164 (talk)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
User-FastFission-brain
Brainstorm

Brainstorming is an ancient technique originally developed to focus your brain to summon an idea. It is a very dangerous activity, and should only be performed by trained professionals.

edit History of Brainstorming

Due to its dangerous nature, few instances of active brainstorming have been recorded in history. The earliest known attempt was performed by the great mathematician and lunatic Pythagoras in 530 BC, but the secret was kept sequestered among his personal cult and thus lost to the ages. 300 years later, Archimedes rediscovered the technique in a dream after passing out in his bathtub after one too many cups of wine, and attributed to it his great success. Unfortunately, Brainstorming ultimately failed to save him (and his city) from a siege by the Romans, who didn't give a shit about Brainstorming. In the Middle Ages, all known writings on the technique were hunted down by the Catholic Church and locked away in the Vatican Archives, along with all the porno. However, due to a resurgence of Satanism, in which brainstorming is not only accepted, but also encouraged, these old techniques are now being researched upon.

edit Concept of Brainstorming

Brainstorming consists of 3 steps, each that must be performed with utmost care and in a stable, low-humidity environment.

Set problem
A point of focus must be chosen. Usually, this would be performed by your overlord. However, if you are masochistic, you can also set one for yourself.

Generate ideas
Using the focal point as a springboard, one must visualize ideas. From a running start, leap onto the springboard, taking care to aim all your weight at the focal point. You must continue to picture ideas in your head. Be careful not to be overwhelmed by them, or they may turn you sane.

Manifest idea
At the moment of impact, immediately jump straight up into the air; the springboard should propel your ideas straight out of your head. Now that they are free, you must capture your ideas and wrestle them into submission.' This is the most dangerous aspect of brainstorming: if your chosen idea escapes before you can constrain them, they may wreck havoc upon the world. (Some rumours suggest that Oprah is one such escaped idea from God.)

edit The Two Methods of Brainstorming

Two main methods of brainstorming exist: The inside-the-box and outside-the-box methods.
Inside-the-Box Brainstorming
Using a magic box, one would summon Google and enter the problem. This indirectly leads to Google performing the next two steps, and is very simple to achieve.
Outside-the-Box Brainstorming
If you don't have a magic box, or is masochistic, you can attempt to perform brainstorming manually; however, it is much more dangerous.

edit Comparisons between the two methods

Inside-the-Box Brainstorming

  • +Cheap
  • +Efficient
  • +Makes you look like a professional.
  • -If Google finds out what you are doing, your technique could backfire, putting the idea in control of you. (note: if this happens, emigrate to Russia immediately)

Outside-the-Box Brainstorming

  • +Gets you excuse for more time-off from overlords
  • +Painful (if you are masochistic)
  • +Makes you look like a genius.
  • -May take forever for the right idea to manifest.

edit Dangers of Brainstorming

Black
Image of Archimedes being kicked out into the streets (censored).

Brainstorming is a VERY DANGEROUS activity. Listed below are some precautions one must make.
Brainstorm in a Low-Humidity Environment
Archimedes brainstormed frequently in the bath. Due to the slippery nature of baths, he experienced significant difficulty in catching his ideas. This eventually led to one idea stealing his bathtub and kicking him out into the streets. You do not want to be kicked out into the streets when taking a bath.
Brainstorm while Sober
It is true that the best and most powerful ideas manifest while drunk. However, it is also true that ideas are harder to capture while drunk. Learn from God, and don't create another Oprah.
Brainstorm far away from Trees
Isaac Newton brainstormed under a tree. His idea took advantage of this and made an apple fall on him, making it's escape as Newton was distracted. Because of this, Gravity now plagues us all. DO NOT under any circumstance attempt to use brainstorming as a weapon. The results are always disastrous, and indeed, it is illegal under Federal law.

There may be other precautions one must make, however Brainstorming is still an ongoing research. Brainstorm at your own risk.

edit Accidents

On November 22, 1963,John F. Kennedy died while brainstorming.This occured when the driver of the car he was in was telling him of his idea of a game show called Cash Cab.When the driver was telling him about the Red light challenge.he told John to Brainstorm answers.Then he thought and thought until he yelled Cuba!Then his head imploded.

"I don't know about brainstorming, but i tried anal storming once. Lets just say i couldnt sit for three days, but it was the best 30 seconds of my life" Oscar Wilde on Brainstorming

edit See also

Personal tools
projects