Brainitus
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“My head kinda hurts...”
~ Abe Lincoln on Brainitus
“That's cuz I capped y'all!”
~ John Wilkes Booth on Brainitus
Discovered by reputable scientists sometime in the past, Brainitus was named by Mr. T who liked the sound of it, and pitied anyone who disagreed.
Brainitus is a condition characterized by severe pain in the head, and fatal explosions of brain matter. The cause is officially "unknown" but several theories persist to this day as to possible causes. Brainitus is a plague on Humanity and scientists work night and day to find a cure.
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[edit] Symptoms of Brainitus
You may be asking yourself "What if I have Brainitus and don't know it? Am I going to die?" The answer is simplye. All you have to do is refer to this handy list of symptoms to determine whether or not you are afflicted with the "Messy Killer". Also: yes...
Yes you are going to die...
[edit] List of Symptoms (as Compiled by a doctor)
- Sweaty Palms
- Slight Nausea
- Servere Nausea
- Poopin' alot
- Tickle in the throat
- Overgrown Crotch Moustache
- Hair where Hair Should Not Be
- Gingivitus
- Rockin' Pnumonia
- Boogy-Woogy Flu
- Inability to Pay Bills
- Pissing Off The Mafia
- Headache of any kind
- Hallucinations
- Junk in the Trunk
- Funk that wont Fly
- Being President of the United States
- Motor Mouth
- Verbal Diarrhea
- Swelling of the Head (usually final symptom)
- Sharp Pain in the Skull
- Itchy Toes
- Brain Leaking from Ears
- Sudden Attraction To Animals (all shapes and sizes)
- You Hear Phil Colins In Your Head
[edit] Possible Causes of Brainitus
Though no one doctor can agree with another on the cause of Brainitus, there are a few leaders in the feild who each hold their own view. The correct answer will be ultimately decided in the traditional manner: a cage match between the main proponants of the theories (or representatives from their Stable).
[edit] The Magic Bullet Theory (As Proported by: Dr. Kringle)
This theorey states that Brainitus it transmitted when a highly experienced shaman performed a specific bullet which is then fired from a high-powered rifle. The ritual is complex, but Dr. Kringle has unearthed some of the more potent aspects.
One must obtain a lock of a sexual partner of the intended victim. This is to be mixed with the blood of a stooge, which is then ignited. The bullet is then rolled in the residue as the Shaman chants a mystic phrase for three hours.
Once the ritual is finished, the bullet can now infect Brainitus in anyone who's skull it burries itself in.
Some have questioned the validity of this theorey, citing it's heavy reliance on magic, which itself is highly unknown. Kringle often points out that he himself is a magical being, and claims that these attacks on his theorey are just a form of racism.
This usually shuts his critics up.
But the criticism remains valid. Even considering the recent leaps and bounds made in feild of Magical Understanding, our current grasp on Magic is dubious at best. To base an entire scientific theorey on untested ground, is a bit irresponsable on the part of Dr. Kringle.
[edit] The Rhyming Theory (As Proported By: Dr. Seuss)
The cause of Brainitus is simple you see,
The victim is pestered by a mutant bee!
It stings the poor sap behind the ear
And the head swells (due to toxins) to the size of a Deer.
After an hour of blinding painful doom,
The head then erputs shooting brains across the room.
The victim lays dead, no longer alive
The solution is simple: Blow up The Hive!
Though expertly written (the whole theory rhymes, after all) other scientist have question Seuss' method, stating that he had gone in with a pre-conceived answer and manipulated data to fit. It is suggested that the bees in question were actually timed bombs that Seuss planted on the heads of his test subjects.
His final conclusion might still prove correct, but the methods of Seuss himself are not up to the scientific community's standards.
[edit] Snake Theory (As Proported By: Dr. Jones)
Dr. Jones, a known as a man with heavy anti-snake feelings, not surprisingly places the blame for Brainitus on Snakes. But the disease is not transmitted through the bite, as one might expect, Jones claims that the Snake deficates into the open mouths of sleeping victims.
When this theory was first posited it gained wide support. For a time, it seemed that it would, in fact, become the recognized cause of Brainitus.
It is in testing that this theory gains the most of its controversy. Dr. Jones refused to test his own theory:
“Are you serious? Why is there a SNAKE in my lab!? You people know how I feel about snakes! No, I won't touch it, you get it out of here! What do you mean tests? I'm not letting that thing Sh*t in my you go to hell!”
~ Dr. Jones on Proposed Testing of Snake Theory
Since that incident, support for the snake theory has waned. The thought goes that if the main proponant of the theory dosent even have the confidence to test his own idea, what good could it be?
There have been some who consider testing snake feces for signs of Brainitus, but these efforts are usually halted when the snake bites someone, and they have to go lay down for a while.
[edit] I Cause Brainitus (Proported By: Dr. von Doom)
In a move that left the medical community shocked (if unsurprised) Dr. von Doom announced to the world that it was in fact he who was the cause of Brainitus. He then laughed wildly and punched several members of the press in the face, who's heads did in fact explode.
This seemed like strong evidence in favor of von Doom's theory. His direct actions caused the cranial erruption of several people. But in the end, the counter-evidence mounted.
Dr. Richards (von Doom's college rival) pointed out that von Doom could not have caused the earliest recorded cases, as he was not alive at the time. Von Doom attempted to counter that it was he who had invented his own time machine, but the damage was done.
No matter how many public demonstrations of time travel/Brainitus infections von Doom enacted the accusations of the highly respected Richards stuck in the minds of the people. Nobody wanted to give von Doom the satisfaction of being right.
Dispite the fact that Dr. von Doom is, in fact, the cause of Brainitus, the scientific community refuses to acknowledge this truth. Von Doom has responded by killing several leading scientists with Brainitus.
[edit] Cures for Brainitus
Though no cure is known to exist, snake oil salesmen are always ready to play off of fear to make a quick buck. These pioneers of flim-flam medicine have produced a number of possible cures. The effectivness of each one is up to the opinion of each individual.
[edit] Alcohol Related Cures
- Drink a lot of alcohol, maybe your head won't explode.
- Mix one part whiskey with two parts vodka, drink some and maybe your head won't explode.
- Throw unopened bottles of wine at a child, the sound of their screams might keep your head from exploding.
- Pour expensive grain alcohol (dosent matter which kind) into your right ear, it might put out the fire that is known to cause Brainitus.
- Get plastered, have sex with a stranger, this might pass Brainitus to them.
- Get Dr. Doom drunk as hell, then leave, he might forget who you are.
- Drink until you vomit, you might puke up the bad humors making you sick.
[edit] Other Proposed Cures
- Eat a live monkey.
- Quit your job, put on a fake moustache, reapply as your twin brother/sister.
- Build yourself a pair of foil headphones, set them on fire.
- Listen to music you hate for 45 minutes, then sacrifice a goat to jesus.
- Introduce Bainitus' natural enemy: Super AIDS!
- Lean to juggle, juggle something that is on fire.
- Drink this.
- Have as much sex as you can, won't cure you, but at least you go out with a bang.
- Start a software company, that's what Bill Gates did.
- Get Mr T to pity you, that's what Ted Turner did.
- Participate in Horseplay, Tomfoolery, or a health dose of Shenanigans.
- Say your prayers
[edit] Is Brainitus Always Fatal?
