Brain Lock

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Brain Lock is a phenomenon in which an organization that gives it's employees access to a large collection of data diminishes or completely cuts off access to it, causing employees' cognitive abilities to diminish severely, sometimes ending completely. This often ends in an utter lack of common sense, and sometimes stupidity. This phenomenon has been observed in several different species, but most prevalent in cafesapiens, also known as Coffee Men. It has been observed to be a definite eventuality in all situations involving organization-wide web access.

[edit] Observed Cases

There are numerous observed cases of Brain Lock. One such case was the Salem witch trials, in which numerous people were given access to a large library of information. Eventually, fearing that the Salemites were shirking their responsibilities to their jobs and their church, access to the library was revoked completely and unexpectedly, causing hundreds of people to lose their ability to think clearly. They then began to execute people, claiming that they were "witches".

Another observed case of Brain Lock is the 2006 Titan Scandal. Titan International Incorporated Ltd, a manufacturer of computer chips and vendor of cheap web hosting, provided free internet for it's employees. Eventually, fearing that their own employees were purchasing their competition's products, they began blocking commercial website after commercial website. This went on for some 2 months, until every commercial website on the internet had been blocked out. It was then that they began to block non-commercial sites out of the fear that they were causing employees to be less productive. By about October nearly the entire internet had been restricted from access for their employees, who began to show signs of severe psychosis. There was then a large electrical fire, caused by 8 employees sticking metal in the staff room microwaves, in which 27 people were killed, including (but not limited to) John Linnel, James Traylor, Hugh Blackman, 3 monkeys, and a dog. It was determined that the electrical fire was caused by a result of Brain Lock.

[edit] Causes

[edit] Youtube Syndrome

A major cause of Brain Lock is Youtube Syndrome. Youtube Syndrome is a condition in which a number of people become addicted to YouTube, unable to think/do anything else. It is very prevalent among people between 12 and 58 years of age, and when coupled with immediate and unexpected internet shutoff can cause mental and social withdrawal often resulting in Brain Lock, stupidity, or violent sociopath behavior.

[edit] OMFG, ROFL, il IM u l8r

OMFG, ROFL, il IM u l8r is a mental disease in which one has become psychologically dependent upon a large instant messaging network such as MSN, AOL, or Yahoo!. In remarkably severe cases the affected individual may often speak in public using popular net-slang such as ROFL, OMFG, LMAO, BRB, G2G, BBL, LOL, etc. It is a very severe condition, because it can lead to intense stress and uber sad face and, the symptoms of Internet Withdrawal Syndrome when access to a major messaging network is not available. OMFG, ROFL, il IM u l8r normally leads to Brain Lock when access to a messaging network can not be obtained in a 72-hour period.

[edit] Internet Withdrawal Syndrome

Internet Withdrawal Syndrome is a condition caused by immediate and unwarranted loss of internet. It's symptoms include muscle aches, headache, sore throat, cough, runny nose, and other such unpleasant ills. It can also lead to Brain Lock if left untreated.

[edit] Diagnosis and Treatment

It is often difficult to diagnose Brain Lock, and it is often misdiagnosed as psychosis and other mental disorders. Thankfully, it is easier to treat Brain Lock than it is to diagnose it. It is much easier to prevent, though, because once it has been contracted, it can not be completely healed.

[edit] Treatment

Brain Lock can be treated with several over-the-counter drugs, such as Sidekick, Blackberry, or PDA. Normal dosage is 15 minutes of the medication at least 7 to 9 times a day for 2 to 4 years. Once Brain Lock has been defeated the affected individual must not lose access to the internet, lest the condition return.

[edit] Prevention

Common prevention techniques include buying a portable internet-ready device, such as an expensive cell phone with a large screen, and browsing your daily sites at least 8 times a day, if not more. By following this strict regimen, you can reduce your chances of contracting Brain Lock by up to 98%.