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“Quick, what is your name? If this question is confusing you, may I suggest brain training?”
Brain Age is an experimental Nintendo DS game that works under the hypothesis that drawing stuff and doing kindergarten level math can make an individual more intelligent.
Brain age is best described as Warioware without A.D.D and with a PH.D. It consists of a variety of puzzles that serve to reveal just how stupid the player is. The intention is that the player will see their astounding stupidity and try to improve himself, but most of the time the player just ends up committing suicide when faced with his own worthlessness.
Brain Age is also part of Nintendo's line of "innovative" games, but sets itself apart from the others by not being gimmicky or weird as hell.
Brain Age only has 6 minigames. This is because the game's development budget is slightly less than your allowance during Elementary school.
- Word Memory: In this "test", you are given 13 seconds to memorize the complete works of William Shakespear in Arabic. Then, you must flawlessly rewrite them on the touch screen in 2 minutes, or you will become pregnant.
- Bridge Troll: This minigame requires you to solve a troll's 3 riddles in order to get past a bridge.
- Speed Counting: You must count from 1 to four trillion backwards. If you fail to do so within 30 seconds, you become pregnant.
- Connect Maze: The DS magically transports you to a sci-fi convention, which you must navigate out of or suffocate to death on geek body odor.
- Demon Summoning: You imitate a magic circle on the top screen to the best of your ability. If done correctly, demons will begin to plague your town, starting the apocalypse and making you pregnant.
- Calculations x20: A portal opens in your living room and the soul of your long-dead third grade teacher steps through. You must get a score of 200% on your old math tests or be thrown into hell. In some versions, you will also become pregnant.
Brian Age features the popular sudoku puzzles which are made to stress you out and make you swear when you are stuck. It is possilbe to have the game tell you when you make an error but if you make five errors is this mode you fail the puzzle and get impregnated by a leprechaun.
Brain Age is rigged, as many who have played it have come to suspect. The player is still scored as being a simian even if they win. This is because the player shelled out 40 dollars for puzzles found in the back of newspapers for only fifty cents.
Brain Age is currently having trouble selling well in the United States, due to its excessive requirement for people to think. Nintendo marketers hope to attract American customers by including free Britney Spears albums with each game. This tactic has not helped. They are considering offering free fast food instead, a tactic predicted to be 5000 times as effective.
Brain Age is responsible for 73% of unplanned pregnancies in the United States.
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