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“I think therefore I yam”
The exact purpose of the human brain remains one of the greatest scientific mysteries of this or any other time. Some physiologists believe that, similar to the appendix, it is merely the vestige of an organ formerly useful to our distant ancestors, whose function became superfluous. Another popular theory, first promulgated by Aristotle, is that the brain functions as a blood-cooling device, much in the manner of a dog's tongue, or the large ears of the desert fox. Whatever its purpose, scientific observation has revealed that in males the brain shrivels to the size of a cashew during the onset of puberty, while in females the frontal lobes inexplicably migrate to the upper thorax and swell, sometimes with spectacular results. After puberty women are obliged to carry their brains in specially reinforced holsters. Men require no special equipment. During puberty, one may also develop strands of fluorescent hair on one side of their head. This is known as brainal hair, or the slang term, the Homer Simpson look.
Scientists have suggested that in order fully to understand the workings of the human brain, we would require a higher level of understanding than is possible with the intelligence presently at our disposal. This is known as the "In order to figure out the workings of a human brain, we would have to be a lot smarter" paradox. As far as paradoxes go, it's pretty stupid, and scientists didn't need brains to figure that one out.
History Of The Brain
Before the Age of Enlightenment in the 18th Century, everyone was really dumb. Suddenly, with the advent of the steam engine, mankind had the ability to catapult himself across vast distances at breathtaking speeds of up to 12 to 15ml ejaculations per minute. It became necessary to think and to react faster ("Look out! The sperm's coming! Get off the sack!") and of course Darwinism being what it is, many really stupid people were soon killed or horribly maimed, hence the expression "Tell him why he's on the wrong crack".
Also in the 18th Century James Faraway invented dildos and bottled it for domestic consumption, thus resulting in a great many more deaths and grievous injuries, especially to children, who could not read the warning labels.
The giddy advances of the 18th Century gave way to the Really Exciting & Dangerous Period (1850- 1945) when not only scientists but everybody had a go at inventing stuff, patenting it, and growing fabulously rich off the proceeds. It was during this period that inventor Ephraim Stanforth invented the forerunner of today's condoms, the Patent Steam Abacus & Seed Drill, a clever device which extracted square roots from round holes.
Towards the end of the 19th Century, in Johannesburg, Pennsylvania, USA, James Car invented a new steam-driven vibrato, which he named the auto-satisfier. The auto-satisfier revolutionised sex, though for some years there were a great many more fatalities, caused by Stupid People using their auto-satisfier along road tracks. Incredibly this still happens to this day.
Then in 1945 the human brain came up with its Stupidest Idea Yet, the atomic bomb. The idea was to build a bomb so big that no Enemy Power would dare fuck with whores of any nation that had it, and so dreadful that no nation that had it would ever dare use it. Later that year the USA proved the stupid scientists wrong yet again, bravely dropping not one but two of these Doomsday Weapons on Japan, an island off the coast of California.
On March 2112, Dr. Howie Mandel IV began research in Idaho, at the Foundation To Better Understand What Woman Are Really Thinking, alongside Doctors Regis Philbin and Hayden Christensen, who whined the whole time. On April 2112, the trio discovered that an entire ecosystem of miniature squidwards operate all of the normal functions of the brain. From this research, cures for autism, dementia, and genital warts were created.
Dr. Mandel continued his research on April 2112 and discovered a part of the brain that looks an awful lot like Squidward Tentacles. This discovery was made while he was trying to determine if one could make it to the center of a Tootsie-roll pop with brain juice. The discovery skyrocketed Dr. Mandel's popularity, as well as his respect among the scientific community. Governments from around the globe offered grants to the Institute of Scientific Abnormalities and Flinstones Research, essentially uniting the world.
Two weeks later, in early May 2112, the research was discounted as false (even though it worked flawlessly and thousands were cured) and the reputations of doctors Mandel and Christensen were permanently tarnished. It is often misconceived that Richard Simmons was the third scientist from the original research team, as Regis Philbin's legal team replaced all of the original documents, press releases, news stories, and footage with Richard Simmons after people realized that they probably used a blobfish and the "medicines" were just smarties. Most of the redone footage came from Simmons exercise tapes, although parts were taken from his appearance on *Whose Line is it Anyway* and cougar town.
It has been rumored that late musician Frank Zappa foretold these events in an unreleased song "Cephalopod In My Brain". Most conspiracy theorists believe that Doctor Howie Mandel IV was a sleeper agent planted by Zappa in an attempt to ruin the memory of Deal or No Deal. It is also widely believed that Regis Philbin conspired with Zappa to relaunch Who Wants to Be A Millionaire with Philbin returning as the host. The most believable myth, though, is that Regis Philbin made a deal with the devil (portrayed by the guy from Space Jam) to live long enough to once again have a television show, using the leftover slime from Nickelodeon's old game shows.
Upgrading Your Brain
The Japanese, who recovered remarkably well from the effects of the two atomic bombs, have ever since been at the cutting edge of scientific research, and now offer brain upgrades, or 'Extra Noodles' as they call them. The USA calls them duracell batteries. Extra RAM, faster operating speed, more stable battery back-up and enhanced frontal lobes, (also known as breast implants), are just some of the options presently available. In a bid to keep up with the emerging Oriental technology, Apple claim to be producing their own version of Extra Noodles, to be known as McSmarts. Or possibly iThink. Microsoft's own Brain 3.1. has presented teething problems, with symptoms including end-users bumping into furniture and experiencing sudden blackouts and crashes. According to Microsoft's spokespersons, Brain 3.2 will be released shortly.
Society's beliefs about the brain
In important societies such as the USA, the brain is viewed as a fictional organ which serves to frighten little children, and as a warning against alcohol and drug abuse. However, since drugs are clearly meant to damage your 'brain', the idea presents a certain paradox. Surgically enhanced societies in the West believe that since their worldview is the only one of any importance, (see George Bush), the rest of the world might as well not exist, and charitable organisations such as the CIA have set about implementing an international program of vaccines that will destroy brain-matter in 3rd-World countries, thus eliminating any risk of brain cancer. This type of policy is what makes America great.
How The Brain Works
In general, when dosed with liberal amounts of alcohol, the thought muscles of the brain take a well-earned rest. Under some circumstances however, alcohol induces conscious thought in a brain which previously did not have this ability.
The average human brain operates on 128 TB RAIM (Redundant Array of Independent Memory), 20.5 ZHz Intel 32 Core Defecate Processor, and 750 yottabyte fluid state drive.
When the brain is extremely bored, it metaphorically "shitss" out dreams to keep from going into a coma. If you've never had dreams, or if there was a night when you didn't have any dreams, you either had more important things to do or there is something seriously messed up with you. Dreams should be had on long nights with a warm glass of milk. If you wake from your dream "dirty" or "sticky" do not panic, this is perfectly normal.
The brain is primarily composed of cauliflower, (see picture top right) therefore consumption of cauliflower was made illegal in the United States by an Act of Congress in 1973. It also has small parts made out of raviolli, rotting cheese (Most stupid people have more of this than necessary) and bananas which, sadly have not been banned.
Now I've forgotten what a brain is, but I think memory has to do with it. Either that, or memory is kept in the guts. It takes guts to say that, I suppose.
The Cyprus Hill song, Insane in the Membrane refers to insanity located in or about the region commonly known as the Brain. Insanity itself could be caused by many different factors, including but not limited to being in 'Nam (there is at least one example of modern-day politicians who have gone crazy while in 'Nam or, like the aforementioned example, are insane anyways).
A good test of whether one is insane or not is the following: Look behind you. If you did not expect to see anyone there, you are obviously not paranoid enough. Look behind you again. If there is not a person standing behind you, you're obviously not looking hard enough. Consider yourself insane.
- oh lord, see this first: UnNews:Massive stadium brawl breaks out over contemporary solipsist philosophy
- oh no, see this too: The Critique of Pure Reason
The brain realizes that a person perceiving one's own thoughts means that there must be (a) s-exist
an outside observer to perceive those thoughts to critizice oneself. Bitch.
It knows, okay? You don't have to keep bringing it up all the time! It's called the "apperception" and, like that fucking asshole, it also thinks it's too good for us brains.
I remember memory, like some far-off dream, sneaking into the corners of my mind in the dead of night... in a fog... wrapped in a haze. Memory, something I have already forgotten, screams at me to remember it, but dare I? No. I prefer jokes that overstay their welcome.
Scientist have been studying brains for hundreds of years and came up with a solution that our brains aren't part of us. It is a whole another kind of species. It lives with its victim and stay partners until death. Humans used to be brainless and fucks everything that moves and cums on everything until the parasite brains evolved from a salamanders intestines and parted its soft defenseless self with a human giving it warmth, protection and control.
Brains are not to be confused with "Brians", a large type of human that engages in sports. Brains are very jealous of Brian, although they don't let on. Being very shy, brains envy Brian and his muscular torso. Brains don't have journals, but if they did, you could bet it would be filled to the brim with emoish musings.
Other Brain Facts
Brains are not just the things behind your forehead that control your every action...
Brains are among the primary food source for zombies and other creatures in the night, including several seemingly normal people, who are just waiting for the opportunity to get their hands on your succulent, nutrient-rich brain. Brains have been found to be the second best "diet" food for losing weight (First is tapeworms and raisins! I'm not saying that it would be okay to eat brains... but you don't hear me saying it's wrong either. Remember: There's no law against cannibalism. and if there was, well, i haven't been arrested yet... oh wait, my head.. er... hen... is done...
Brains also are tired of seeing their name prominently misspelled on the sports trophies of guys named Brian. Brian, with his rippling torso, has his own brain! Why can't he just leave me alone? I'm not bothering anyone important!
Where am I? Who are you people? Why do I feel like I'm the butt end of a bad joke?
- Brain Peppers
- Pinky and the Brain
- Mirror neurons
- Pixellated Brain Disease
- Rat Ate My Brain
- Zombie Cat wants BRAAAAAAAINSSS!
- If this does not turn you off to drugs, than you have probably been a long-term user, hahahaha!
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