Brütal Legend

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Brütal Legend.

A parchment predicting the creation of this king of video games, archaeologists date it back to 50,000 Bce, but no one cares what they think..

Brütal Legend is a magical video game made of püre PWNifite, and has the ünique power to transform all "u"s into "ü"s. Its awesomeness is fürther inhanced by the cülmanation of the Gods of Metal, Lemmy, Ozzy Osbourne, and Jack Black!!

edit Origins

Long, long ago, Chuck Norris, Morpheus, and Jesus were playing poker. Jesüs had made a bet he'd "Go to Earth and be come the Immortal Savioür of humanity." because he had Straight Flüsh. Morpheus was able to win with a 2 of clübs, a mistakenly shüffled in Joker, and a Pikachü card. But that is a story for another time. Chück Norris had a bad cold, which he had just invented, and sneezed into a tissue, which Jesus had just pulled out of his purse, the snot began to take the shape of a man. This man was Jack Black who then gave birth to Jack Black who then gave birth to the greatset piece of machinery ever

Millenia later, Bill Gates eventually found a way to wield this machinery to line his industrial sized wallet. Which led to the creation of the Legend Brütal.

edit The Legend Brütal

edit Characters


An image of Eddie Riggs in all his awesomeness.

edit Eddie Riggs

After 12 years of Rock College, Edward Riggs become head-roadie of the vegetable-salesmen group, Kabbage Boy. The three members of Kabbage Boy would often advertise their rank cauliflower with whiny songs about their girlfriends dumping them for manlier lovers. One good concert night (more than 3 people) the lead guitarist decided to climb on top of an unstable set. He was saved from falling to his doom due to Eddie being there to keep the stage from crushing him with his body. Trogdor the Burninator Godzilla Ormagöden, The Fire Beast, Cremator of the Sky, Destroyer of the Ancient World, Murderer of O.J. Simpson's Family, Bringer of 2012, Malestor of Little Bunnies, etc. was brought to life when Eddie bled on his belt buckle and killed and murderlated the members of Kabbage Boy. Afterwards Eddie was brought to a past which contradicts all history books ever written.


The main antagonist of the game, Tim Curry.

edit Doviculus

Doviculus is the long lost twin brother of Glenn Beck, he was separated at birth and raised by Tim Curry's parents. He, like Tim, was raised as a minion of evil by the Demon Lord Mark Gotleib and was a powerful and dangerous threat to all good. But while Tim was off acting in plays 'n movies 'n stuff, Dovi, as Tim affectionately called him, started a career in politics, which, like any good politician, led to complete control of an army of evil demons. In battle, Doviculus will build up an army by fertilizing his Battlenuns, Warfathers, and Overblessers and letting them give birth.


An average town hall meeting while Senator Doviculus was in office.

edit Ophelia

Ophelia is the third army faction leader, and at the same time for some reason is a human girl lying at the bottom of a lake. She makes out with Eddie, which would obviously lead to her being abandoned in an ice realm. She leads the Drowning Doom (the wimpy emo faction) in her blue, gothy form and destroys anything happy or beautiful standing in her way. She is a known cookie hater.


Left to Right: Ophelia PMS form and Ophelia Bitch form.

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