Boy
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The boy is a type of child made from a faulty chemical Y at the Man Factory. The "snips, snails, and puppydog's tails" they are supposedly made from is a myth, because boys will eventually evolve to the pokemon form, "Man", which is proven to consist of beef jerky, beer, and an intense desire to beat women. They would be completely useless, but when they grow up (most) become men, which are needed for sex. Boys by themselves are groomed by Spartans and Vikings at a young age to dominate girls at raping, pillaging, and plundering. If you see a boy, treat him exactly like you'd treat a girl, but when he's competing against a girl, always let the girl win. It's better that way.
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[edit] Hazards
In the meantime, boys think they are badass, but really they are just idiots. This is contrary to girls, who are both mature and fashionable. With boys though, their idiocy starts early, usually by kindergarten, and gets worse over time. By the time they are ten most of the damage has been done on what little is left of the known world, and when puberty sets it's complete. This is called the "Chronic Boy Evisceration Syndrome," which is said to affect roughly 1 out of every 2 kids, and affects boys almost 100% more than girls. There is no known cure. Here's a few of the symptoms:
[edit] Fighting
Boys have a habit of fighting anything they see, which is why they need to be sedated by video games and PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! because otherwise they’d probably just be out beating up stuff like trees and small to mid-size mammals. Boys will fight even if they know they can't win, as evidenced by the fact that 80% of the time they are easily defeated by a girl. The other 20% of the time they are still defeated by a girl, but it isn’t as easy. This is because boys can't hit girls and boys don't fight dirty or below the belt. Boys are built like some kind of video game boss...a lot of showy fists and pounds, but one good hit to the weak spot and they're down for the count. Because of this, boy fights tend to drag out long, girl/boy fights last a minute.
[edit] Eating
[edit] Farting
Boys fart…all day long. They love farts and anything that sounds or smells like one. The longer, deeper, and smellier the better. Two out of every five boys will get carpal tunnel from armpit-farting to exhaustion. This happens after prolonged periods of armpit farting results in laughter that robs oxygen to the brain. One of the first skills a boy learns is burping the alphabet, followed by burping his name, and singing in burp, then farting his name, then the ultimate every boy aspires to achieve...to be able to fart and burp at the same time!
In fact, boys do most of their communication through burps, grunts, and farts, which is why girls can't understand them until after puberty. On top of this, they never wash or follow any of the hygienic trends in the civilized world. They refuse to because Zakk Wylde has deemed this action unbecoming of a Viking and has sentenced any man caught bathing to strangulation by Stephen Hawking.
[edit] Intelligence
[edit] Random Weirdness
They smell like sweat mixed with dog mixed with bad breath, only more potent. They leave their fly down and don't realize it. They break everything in the house with baseball bats, basketballs, and WWF style Rambo jumps off the counter tops onto the kitties. They turn everything into a gun or a sword and go on rampages. Boys don't read books so long as there are words in them. They are noisy, and will blow into their elbows for hours, shout, scream...and that's AFTER they get their Ritalins. The worst part is, after the injuries heal, unlike girls, they just keep doing dumb things. Beware of the RC trucks! They will ram them into your feet and it hurts like a bitch.
On the scale of intelligence, boys rank just a little higher than dirt and just below slugs. They are not brainless, they just choose not to use their brains. It has long been known that the boy brain is broken into a five sections, the largest section is for breathing/eating/sleeping/...etc.; the second largest for peeing while standing up. The three smaller sections respond to, in order of descending size: Sports, Sex, and Pop Rocks.
[edit] Puberty
Once puberty sets in, fart jokes are replaced with getting laid as the "only thing that matters in life." Boys hate girls until they become teenage boys, at which point, they will do anything, no matter how humiliating, degrading, or generally effeminate, in order to have sex with one. It's actually funny, and kind of sad, to watch, because both the boy and girl know the sex won't happen, but the boy doesn't usually give up hope. However, a few wimpy boys WILL actually give up and find porn to be a useful substitute for a relationship....until their mom confiscates their collection. Moral of the story? Boys are dumb...puberty is dumber.
[edit] Manhood
The quest for a boy to reach Manhood is possibly harder then a priest at a playground, but never the less, all boys must undertake this journey or become Orcs for Saurons Army. The list that follows is the event breakdown in which they must complete the events to achieve Godliness(Manliness).
- Learn to throw the javelin from Zulu warriors
- Out transform a Transformer
- Scrape by in a guitar battle with DimeBag Darrell
- Go on a Viking raid and deflower the fairest maiden with their third arm
- Must believe its not butter
- Walk on live coals in bare feet
- Throw the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom
- Sell their soul to a major corporation
[edit] Uses
Despite all these things, boys are the preferred children in many parts of the world because, unlike girls, they make better toys. Michael Jackson, president of SCAMBLA, found out that they respond well to Jesus Juice. Boys make great pets for many societies, although their ability to be house trained is very limited. If you want to keep a boy as a pet, make sure you provide plenty of newspaper, a stick of gum, and a strong cage. Feed them a strict diet of celery and peanut butter...stand back and savor the aroma! Dangle a GameBoy from a string and they'll grab for it like a cat while panting and drooling like a dog. Throw a ball and they'll fetch. They're fun to play with, in fact, every girl should own one.
[edit] Coolness
Boys exude coolness (along with a typical rancid odor) and end up ruling the world! (in their own heads at least) Most likely, girls end up ruling the real world, and boys kind of just beat each other up on World of Warcraft.
Other than that, they're pretty useless.
[edit] Facts on Boys
- Boys will be boys, and will annoy girls.
- Some boys will break your heart.
- Other boys will just break wind.
- Boys tell lies.
- Boys think they run the world. They don't... Corporations do.
- Boys have balls (Which makes them have everything).
- Boys pay attention only when they want to or not at all.
- Boys are preferred children in most countries of the world, simply because parents don't want to deal with teenage pregnancies.
- Boys created the definition of the word "perversion."
- Boys have very messy bedrooms.
- All boys share one brain.
- Boys like Vaginas, But actually have a very strong disliking for the word.
[edit] Little Boys
If there were ever a contest about the most gullible thing on the planet... they would win it. Statistics show that little boys get more dicks wink wonks shoved up their ass than little girls, grown women, porn stars, and gay men. So keep your children indoors so Satin won't get them.
No seriously he fucked up Gary Coleman he'll do it to your kids too.
