Boy

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Boys can sometimes make great pets, but warning: Get a strong cage!

“If you can't beat em.....they aren't tied down properly”
~ Oscar Wilde on Boys

A boy is a type of child that is essentially the same as a girl except that he doesn't come with all the drama and paradoxes and instead comes with a penis. In cosmic time some of them grow up to be men, which are just boys with bigger toys. They are the result of a disease that affects about half of all the human race that makes its host body think only in terms of eX-TREME!! Don't say we didn't warn you.

Like any child they come pre-made with built-in pillage and hyperactivity, but unlike the more sinister Girl model, they succeed at being ten times more lethal while still being ten times less clinically insane. They are classified under Feminist male-species nomenclature as Rapists In-Training--their rape proclivities not yet refined beyond Barbie frisking. Apparently many are being knighted for the evisceration of known pedophiles Michael Jackson, Galactus, and Captain Planet. All known members of NAMBLA.

edit Hazards

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Boy in a woman seducing pose.

Boys tend to think they are badass but really they are just idiots when you get right down to it. This is contrary to girls, who really are badass but just want to make you think they are all puppies and rainbows until they can get you in a dark alley. With boys though, their idiocy starts early, usually by kindergarten, and gets worse over time. By the time they are ten most of the damage has already been done to what little is left of the known schoolyard, and when puberty sets in it's complete. This is called the "Chronic Penis Syndrome," which is said to affect roughly 1 out of every 2 individuals, and affects boys almost 100% more than girls for some unknown reason. There is no known cure. If your child has this disease, give him reign over a society. Here's a few of the symptoms:

edit Fighting

Boys have a habit of fighting anything they see, which is why they need to be sedated by video games and PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! because otherwise they’d probably just be out beating up stuff like trees and small to mid-size mammals. Boys will fight even if they know they can't win, as evidenced by the fact that 80% of the time they are easily defeated by a girl. The other 20% of the time they are still defeated by a girl, but it isn’t as easy. This is because boys can't hit girls or else they are rightfully sent to death row to be executed for daring to cross a double standard. On the other hand, girls can hit boys all they want (because people let them) and it kind of helps them that boys are built like some kind of video game boss anyways...a lot of showy fists and pounds, but one good hit or kick to the weak spot and they're down for the count, on hands and knees and probably puking up their lunch. Because of this, boy fights tend to drag out long, but girl/boy fights last 30 seconds. It's all fun and games when someone gets hurt.

edit Eating

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Boy after getting kicked in the balls.

Besides eating like pigs, boys will eat anything so long as it's not food. Boys have been known to down a bottle of sugar in a minute, but boogers, bugs, dirt, glue (paste) and just about anything they found in the backyard just laying around. Scientists have concluded that as the incidence of eating paste increases, which boys seem to enjoy, all the symptoms described here also increase, though it's not clear whether the eating of paste actually causes their idiocy or if their rather asinine way of getting kicks causes the eating of said paste. Nevertheless, the results of this research recommend that all boys be exposed to a regimen of worm food regardless, in fear of what the impact on the global economy would be if they were as fashionable as girls.

edit Farting

Boys fart…all day long. They love farts and anything that sounds or smells like one. The longer, deeper, and smellier the better. Two out of every five boys will get carpal tunnel from armpit-farting to exhaustion. One of the first skills a boy learns how to do is burp the alphabet, followed by burping his name, farting on command, farting by request, singing in burp, and the ultimate...the ability to burp and fart at the same time! This all takes many years of practice. Boys fart in jars to save it for later. They hold burp and fart contests to decide who the true Highlander is (there can be only one!), and they take turns lighting each other's farts on fire because nothing tops the idea for them of launching a fire cannon from their anus (a feat they later accomplish naturally after too many Flamin' Hot Doritos). If you see one, stay at a distance!

In fact, boys do most of their communication through burps and farts, which is why girls can't understand them (or even be in the same putrid ROOM as them) until after longer after puberty (the air around a boy is just too combustible to be safe without HAZMAT). On top of this, they never wash or follow any of the hygienic trends in the civilized world anyways. They refuse to because Zakk Wylde has deemed this action unbecoming of a Viking and has sentenced any man caught bathing to strangulation by Stephen Hawking.

edit Peeing

The generation's long war between boys and toilets sees no victory in sight, despite many deaths. Boys will pee anywhere so long as it's not in a toilet--every time a boy takes a leak, there are no survivors. They are not housebroken, but if you let them outside, just know your flower beds won't survive. Sometimes two or more boys will engage in a peeing contest for distance to see who the Highlander really is (there can be only one!). They require those special low urinals in the men's rooms, but being males, will ONLY use it if it is positioned at least one urinal away from an occupied urinal, otherwise, unlike men, they will simply pee their pants and think it's epic.

edit Intelligence

On the scale of intelligence, boys rank just a little higher than dirt and just below slugs. They are not brainless, they just choose not to use their brains. It has long been known that the boy brain is broken into a five sections, the largest section is for breathing/eating/sleeping/...etc.; the second largest for peeing while standing up. The three smaller sections respond to, in order of descending size: Sports, Sex, and Pop Rocks.

Occasionally a boy may gain actual intelligence as he matures, transforming him into a Nerd(AKA one who dies alone, with his Hatsune Miku cutout).

edit Random Weirdness

School 1

Boy toys.

They leave their fly down and don't realize it. They break everything in the house with baseball bats, basketballs, and WWF style Rambo jumps off the counter tops onto the kitties. They don't read books as long as there are words in them. They are noisy, and will blow into their elbows for hours, shout, scream...and that's AFTER they get their Ritalins. The worst part is, after the injuries heal, unlike girls, they just keep doing dumb things. Beware of the RC trucks! They will ram them into your feet and it hurts like a bitch. Boys are experts on games, and they often try to impress girls with this trait. Usually, it doesn't work. The average boy can come up with 7 Yo Mama jokes at the drop of a hat, and use these jokes as weapons against other boys who challenge their epicness.

edit Puberty (sex, sex, and sex)

Once puberty sets in, fart jokes are replaced with getting laid as the "only thing that matters in life." Boys hate girls until they become teenage boys, at which point, they will do anything, no matter how humiliating, degrading, or generally effeminate, in order to have sex with one. It's actually funny, and kind of sad, to watch, because both the boy and girl know the sex won't happen, but the boy doesn't usually give up hope. However, a few wimpy boys WILL actually give up and find porn to be a useful substitute for a relationship....until their mom walks in on them.

Teen boys think about sex between thinking about two of their other favorite things: sex and more sex, after making time for their other two favorite things: sex and sex. And when they're done thinking about sex, they spend their time curling up with a good porn. Between thinking about sex and reading about sex and watching sex, they work on getting sex, and when they fail at getting sex, they think about sex some more... better ways of getting sex, different ways to have sex, and who they would like to have sex with. This is all followed by still more porn, more thinking about sex, and even more porn... and no actual sex. In short, teen boys have a strong grasp in their right hands.

edit Manhood

The quest for a boy to reach Manhood is possibly harder then a priest at a playground, but never the less, all boys must undertake this journey or become Orcs for Saurons Army. The list that follows is the event breakdown in which they must complete the events to achieve Godliness(Manliness).

  • De-deconstructing a building then re-re-deconstructing a bridge
  • Learn to throw the javelin from Zulu warriors
  • Out transform a Transformer
  • Scrape by in a guitar battle with DimeBag Darrell
  • Go on a Minnesota Viking raid and deflower the fairest maiden with their third arm
  • Must believe its not butter
  • Walk on legos in bare feet, on concrete
  • Throw the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom
  • Learn in pubic school that their penis makes them awesome
  • Sell their soul to a major corporation
  • Get laid (usually depends on how ugly he is)

edit Uses

Litle boy fancy

Official magazine of NAMBLA.

Despite all these things, boys are the preferred children in many parts of the world because, unlike girls, they make better toys. Michael Jackson, president of SCAMBLA, found out that they respond well to Jesus Juice. Boys make great pets for many societies, although their ability to be house trained is very limited. If you want to keep a boy as a pet, make sure you provide plenty of newspaper, a stick of gum, and a strong cage. Feed them a strict diet of celery and peanut butter. Throw a ball and they'll fetch. They're fun to play with, in fact, every girl should own one. But please, do supply some spare pizza. Boys become rabid and will enter a mindless rage, wrecking your precious toys and things without any respect for them if not fed with pizza every 2-3 hours.

edit Coolness

Boys expel awesomeness. Girls, well, are girls. They're okay. But still, the ability to get a kill combo without using a noob tube (rifle mounted grenade launcher) in Call of Duty is used to determine who should become "alpha dog"(AKA that jock kid that cheated on you with your bestie in 12th grade).

edit Facts on Boys

  • Boys will be boys, and will annoy girls to a certain age. 25 is an estimate for high maturity levels.
  • Some boys will break your heart.
  • Other boys will just break wind.
  • Boys tell lies, especially about the number of kills they got last time they played a game.
  • Boys think they run the world. They don't...because the grown-ups run it.
  • Boys have balls. How else can people make babies??
  • Boys are found at home, playing a game like Halo or World of Warcraft.
  • Boys tend to disregard anything not involving sports, Chuck Norris, games, and Yo Mama jokes. Remember that now.
  • Boys tend to do stupid things, such as riding a bike on top of a train. Do not be surprised if you find yours injured.

edit Little Boys

If there were ever a contest about the most gullible thing on the planet... they would win it. Statistics show that little boys get more dicks wink wonks shoved up their ass than little girls, grown women, porn stars, and gay men. So keep your children indoors so Satin won't get them.

No seriously he fucked up Gary Coleman he'll do it to your kids too.


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