Box Hill
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“Also know as Vagina Mound”
~ Oscar Wilde on the origins of Box Hill
“It's my kinda prace”
~ John So
“Ooooohhh Harrowww”
~ Kim Jon Il
“YOOU WOANT TOU BEI DA GANSHTA, HAAH?? YOOU WOANT TOU TAIKKE DA JWUG??”
~ Hungry Hungry Hippo Panda
Box Hill is located in Turkey's Middle Eastern region. It is a ridiculous 20-30 minutes by Connex empire trains, or a number of hours by Anti-Bracks' Tram services. It is an infinite walking distance from the city due to the fact that you would be stabbed before you got there. It is the true capital of the Commonwealth of Victoria, (Canberra is a decoy for kamikaze terrorists).
don't be dumb u asian
For a map of Box Hill, click here
Contents |
[edit] Population
Box Hill has a varied population containing 100% Chinese, 87% Vietnamese, 43% Cambodian, 8% or 9% Greek, 3% New Zealand Sheep and 1% Chijewtallion, 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% Ozzy's, along with a wide variety of Caucasians available which, in Box Hill, are considered both an endangered species, a pet, and a type of chicken feed. These figures are not incredibly accurate due to an influx of illegal immigrants over the last thousand years or so. The total population of Box Hill varies from day to day depending on two things:
1. How many immigration police are in town, and
2. What fruit is in season.
That total population can range between 12,000 and 6,000,000. When at its peak, people live in the numerous apartment buildings as well as the large underground train hostel/murderhole (ie; the station). There are also many other large 'residential' buildings such as Box Hill TAFE, and Box Hill Police Station, which doubles as a dog pound.
Most recently strict control orders have come from the beauru of Immigration concerning the inflow of members of the evil Connex empire into the centre who are trying to increase their strangle hold on the earth by taking over the bus station after the loss of their best soldier, Mr. T in the battle with M Train and the subsequent loss of brakes. It has been disguised as a health and safety move (see below) as many were being stabbed in an all out war with Ventura Bus Lines.
(News flash: Greek population has decreased to 0% due to wogs getting caught in the crossfire of asian gangstah warfare at the line outside an annonymous porn video shop, They are now all in Templestowe also known as homg tempy. The Asian gangs are sorry for the deaths, replying with a dignified, "Ai-yah, la! Those stupid greekz had nou reeson tou bee in Box Hill la, it is only for Asians...la.")
[edit] Famous Figures
Benny Newton' Leader of the Undercover Russian Associated Conspiricies Under Newton Territory Group or abbreviated as U R A CUNT "G". Benny spends his past time on night prowls searching for innocent women to conduct his research in.
Early Years The early years in the life of Benjamin “Benny the Night Prowler” Newton are scarcely documented. The bulk of information was scribed by notable Box Hill intellectual and historian DJ Heartbeatz. It is believed that Newton was created during the mid twentieth century as the direct result of a botched peace offering created by the Mongolian government. The project was known as operation halfkast. It is believed then Mongolian emperor Genghis Khan fused the sperm of Australian Television Identity Bert Newton with a Mongolian vampire egg extracted from the Himalayas. Upon the creation of the beast Khan was immediately able to recognise that Newtons power levels were far too high for him to control. Newton broke free from the Mongolian fusion plant and in an angry tirade headed for his father, Bert Newton, to obtain the truth of his origins. Unfortunately Newton’s internal compass was disoriented and instead he headed for China. In a vein attempt to deny Newton entry the Chinese erected what we now know as the Great Wall of China. Newton quickly overpowered the wall guards with a special batch of sweet and sour pork and continued to wreak havoc over china, spreading a virus embedded in his DNA known as bird flu. The unfolding of these events is documented in the 2000 action flick “Godzilla” where Newton is played by Keanu Reeves.
Adolescence The Chinese eventually tricked Newton into leaving their country after 13 years by using a combination of sudokus, Chinese finger traps and Jedi mind tricks to force him to board a small fishing craft and be deported to Australia. Newton arrived in the bay of box hill in early 2003 and was immediately shunned by society for his vampire like appearance and his crude Mongolian battle armour. He enrolled at the local high school, Koonung Secondary College where he commenced his formal education. He struggled to familiarise with the other students who regularly beat down on Newton for his poor personal hygiene and obsession with Hentai. Newton spiralled into an uncontrollable fit of depression and turned to long time friend bill Henson to reinvigorate him. Henson created several masterpieces using Newton’s nude body as the basis of his works. Critic’s responses varied; most notably Kevin Rudd commented that the works were “revolting”. None the less, Newton was supplied with a new found passion for life and upon recommencing his education he befriended an intrepid young man by the name of Simon “Big Boy” Perry. Together they formed the notorious clique named the BGP. Newton preferred the title “one and a half white boys” however Perry’s large contribution to the lyrics of their tracks ensured that the group was named after him. They produced their first studio album in the spring of 2005 and titled it “Mongrol Flayvas”. The bulk of recording took place in the underground lair of Molly Meldrum and the house of DJ Heartbeatz parents. Heartbeatz played a prominent role in the recording and utilised high tech scratching methods to enhance the visual aspects of the recording. Benjamin Newton released several venomous freestyles, some of which caused a number of listeners to bleed from the ears. Upon presenting their works to the head of Mushroom Records, Michael Gudinski, Newton received a beatdown of magnitude only paralled once in the history of box hill, when Son Goku beat down on lord John So during the infamous Time Out Warz of 1985. It is believed Son Goku reached a level of Super Saiyan Three when So would not exchange his 3000 tokens for a fried Peking duck. The fame that ensued got to the head of Newton and he turned to the use of illicit substances. It is then that Newton discovered his Passion for night stalking
Night Stalking' Benny is a master of the ancient mongolian technique known as night stalking. It is believed he developed his stylings through direct experimentation and empirical evidence obtained from watching CSI Miami. In order for a sucessful round of nightstalking Benjamin requires a sufficient quantity of ketamine, several litres of lubricant and a small flashlight.
Night Stalking as a Science Benjamin Newton is a consumate professional and has dedicated much of his career towards the advancement of the sciences, namely night stalking. Newton devised the two laws of nightstalking and published them in his masterpiece "newtonian relativity and its applications BITCH !!!"#¤%&/(_? ________________________
Gangs Also, there are a large group of Maori gangsters who reside outside the other internet cafe, Coolyah. They will attempt to rape or rob you of anything they can manage. Apparently they no longer "fuck up cunts", due to apparent wealth (Most likely due to the success of Maoris on Australian Idol, which they've no doubt taken much credit from) but we're willing to bet that stare at them for too long, and they'll proceed to yell things or fuck you up. If you are attempting to enter the shopping complex and wish to not get stabbed, you can use the professional suites entrance near the anonymous anime porn video shop. UPDATE: These gangsters may or may not have killed a small kitten named "Moo-Bear".
Gang Warfare In recent times, the Box Hill Bloods and the Box Hill Crips warfare has taken over the streets of Box Hill. The Box Hill Bloods being 'them massive highly gangsta pitch-black fuckers that walk around lookin' all threatening-like', and the Box Hill Crips being the majority of the Maoris and several other junkie-like members of the populace. Neither of which, it seems, have made any moves on each other - and not in the sexual manner, just quietly. The Crips are not to be feared, due to their apparent perpetual ceasefire with the entire populace of Box Hill shoppers and hangers, but the Bloods, however, are a bane upon public safety, and are not to be stared at, nor crossed. You gun get stabbed, cunt.
Big Rob this strange creature, sometimes referred to as 'oaf', is known for his funky smell and its amazing capability to produce an amazing amount of cow manure and distribute it from his mouth to anyone unlucky enough to encounter big rob. you will find rob, who has been closely associated with an ogre, wandering around box hill atempting to scab a cigarette, freak people out with his ever so frustrating handshakes or tell of his latest non-existent adventure. no one can actually recall rob ever telling the truth to someone. He is possibly the most annoying thing in boxhill. if you see/smell him coming, avoid at all costs. you will be able to tell who rob is straight away if you just look for a huge dickhead in black fatty's, work boots and a black singlet, (that's literally all he ever wears) and he will be carrying a skateboard that is in terrible condition. if he approaches you to say hi to you, he will go on and on and scab cigarets and subconsciously be annoying as he can. This is what some of the boxhill locals like to call "being robbed" It will ruin your day.
Nasher also commonly spelt Gnasher. If you see "Nash Nash", (an occurence which is thankfully becoming slightly rarer), run, or your genitals will be mutilated and you will smell like tobacco for three weeks. It has been reported that sex with this person is like "throwing a salami down a hallway".
Religious Paracites If you ever find yourself with nothing to do in Box Hill, occasionaly looming around the front entrance to Box Hill is this Christian lady who wears a head-scarf, who will try to litterally force a bible down your throat. Normally causing suffocation or christianity. There is no way to defeat this strange creature, who calls herself "Lily-arna", for her health bar is infinite. Infact the only way you can kill her is by somehow cutting down the big ugly black sculpture thing down and somehow crushing her. Alternatively you could try feeding her "breadtop".
[edit] Things to do and see
In Box Hill there are a huge range of activities. Often called the black market sales, the computer swap meet is a good opportunity to pick up something cheap that still works. (but don't let the police search your bag.) There are also many weddings you can gate crash that are held often in Box Hill's many churches and parks. If weddings aren't your scene, be sure to have a go at the train surfing. Beginning every ten minutes or so, you start off the station street bridge and go to Laburnum.
If you want a little more meaningful activity, try a walk in the Box Hill cemetery. The largest collection of bodies in Box hill it is the only official cemetery and the only place you will large amounts of people not willing to stab you. instead they will attack you with a mach ten, rip your arms off, and then rape you.
One of the more social past-times of the Box Hill locals, and those who have come on train or bus, is sitting at one of the two inner-Box Hill cafes, to do not much at all. There are two of them; Cafe Feducci, and another closer to 7/11 and the tram stop, whose name escapes us, but is run by a happy asian couple. Cafe Feducci is renowned for being ridiculously overpriced, with low quality goods. The cafe further down the line, however, is far cheaper, with more well-prepared goods.
The "cafe further down the line", is known by the public junkies as The Cafe. It is renowned for the group of gothic-slash-hXc-slash-emo-slash-lowlife teenagers and older, that choose to make this cafe their home-away-from-crack-den. Visit this cafe regularly enough, and you'll surely give into their chain-smoking shit-talking ways. Most of the cafe-goers, it seems, are either teenage drug dealers or resident low-lives with little else to do, otherwise known as "regulars". This cafe is never visited by anyone else with a half-decent quality of life, really, because it is in such close proximity to Coolyah internet cafe, the home of the vicious Box Hill Maoris and junkies, whom sit and stare at the Cafe-goers, most likely thinking sexual thoughts. Although most consider the walk to The Cafe a dangerous one, the junkies and Maoris being so close by, it is oddly safe, despite the inner and outer population, as it is in fact a place of actual business. Visit this cafe for half-decent wedges, a good selection of ecstacy and marijuana, and, if you're of a younger breed, the chance to obtain a fake ID.
Another favorite pass time of the locals is getting high. To do this begin your walk at the Box Hill hospital and head east through the park until the video shop. then stand still and make it clear you have no knife for a few minutes and you will be served with your favorite substance. Box Hill is renowned for the multiple drug dealers, all before your very eyes, but working secretly in almost completely organized silence. Recently it has become common for 12 year olds, from scumhole high schools such as Koonung Secondary College, to take up the glories of marijuana-smoking. They do this in such places as Box Hill Park, near 7/11, oft behind the tennis courts. They will most likely develop into fully-fledged Coolyah junkies, later on in life. If you lend one of them a cigarette, they will surely ask you, in a bogan accent, if you'd wish to smoke up with them down at the tennis courts.
If you're a cigarette smokers, a social hotspot is a place known as "the safeway ramp", where many people come and go, smoking their lives away, watching the world function. This is near Cafe Feducci, and outside of EB Games. This location, however, is often overrun by teenagers during after-school hours, who have little aspirations in life. Either that, or feral ice addicts, also with little aspirations in life. Go here if you're looking for a cigarette, or a fist fight, and you will surely find someone with one of these readily at hand, or equally searching as you are. Either way, a nice little social hotspot, if you're from those certain walks of life.
Drinking is not allowed in Box Hill and you will be shot for it. If you still have time left be sure to check out the Box Hill town hall, it is the nations capitol building and the only place you can be sure not to get stabbed or shot for standing still. They may, however, fine you $1000.00 for using public land. Also, make sure you don't say anything, or else they will eat your genitals.
There are a couple of schools in Box Hill. All of which are called Box Hill, and, like Box Hill in general, are both freakin' poor. Recently, one school (the nerdy one) got renovated and now has an international airport, a spa, 69 penis enlargement machines, and five brothels (which are often rented out). On the other hand, it has no roof any more so the students need to bring paper bags to put over their heads, or die a hideous death due to the constant attacks from falling Amanda Vanstones. The other school, Box Hill Senior Secondary College, is renowned for producing the lowest quality junkies known to man. Either that, or completely sport-obsessed faggots, who generally end up unconscious on the floor of some nighclub later on in life, an equally sport-obsessed faggot having smashed a bottle of gin over their heads.
Oh yeah one final thing to see and use is the thin strip of perfectly mowed lawn in the middle of the highway. be careful though because Melbourne's trams tend to move over the grass every ten minutes or so. It makes a very good cricket pitch. Warning: do not attempt to lick your balls in publlic. You will be prosecuted, executed and neutered. your balls will then be sold to some random chinese resteraunt as an aphrodisiac.
Do not take any generic brand viagra pills sold in box hill, or else you will start to sprout lumpy vagina's in uncompfortable places. these lumpy vaginas will randomly excrete fermented horse shit. WARNING: the shit is radioactive, and highly unstable! do NOT get it near you genitals, or else you balls will drop of and sell themselves to a chinese resteraunt as an aphrodesiac.
Chances are you will sometimes see flashing signs that say " Please don't buy the bald seal." Don't worry, as this merely means that the Community Unions Neutering Team is about to steal you balls and sell them to a random chinese resteraunt as an aphrodesiac. J.K. Rowling will then be notified, and she will finnally release the long awaited installment of the harry potter series: "Harry Potter and the green necrophilliac". this means you will be classified as an official government friend, and so you will receive vouchers to the movie: my mummy tastes like shit.
The Tax Office has also recently been introduced to a group of asian school kids from schools around the area including, box hill, balwyn, glenwaverly, mount waverly, doncaster and others. How ever, this isn't a very pleasent place to be as this is where many of the "asian gangstahs" like to "finish" people for being cocky or any other unknown reasons. With out the bashings, the tax office is used as the place to chill out and smoke ciggarets. being occupied at least 5 times a week it also allows a group of asian break dancers to pracice their breaking after hours, mostly on wedesdays and any other spare days. when ever the tax office is empty, the ppl of the tax office are most likly to be at BUBBLE STAR CAFE smoking, TIME OUT, around box hill, junkie steps or evan at the library studying, keeping up their asian expectations.
[edit] The Junkie Steps
The Junkie Steps deserve their own section, as they are a part of Box Hill's history and reputation. Opposite BreadTop, outside the McDonalds section of Box Hill Centro, the junkie steps are a five meter long 'step' of a sort, where, it is said, junkies come to gather, socialize, and scab cigarettes.
They connect to a higher bench, which is a part of a ramp that leads up to the back entrance to Safeway, known also as the 'Safeway Ramp'.
On a regular afternoon during the school year, at around 3:30-4, you'll find the steps overrun by teenage 12-year-olds, seeking mostly cigarettes and tips from the older after-school teenagers about how to be cool. Most of these teenagers will grow up to be 25-year-old smack addicts, or alcoholics who beat their wives.
It is not only known for the vast variety of pothead schoolgirls and homeless cigarette-smoking abusive teenagers, however - it is also a place where those around Box Hill, tired from working in their chosen occupation in stores around Box Hill, can come to smoke cigarettes on their breaks in peace.
With the police driving through right in front of the junkie steps every ten minutes or so, probably running over crowds of asians in the process, it is a seemingly safe place, it seems. Just don't stay after 7, as the maoris outside of Coolyah come up to the junkie steps to bash randoms.
The Junkie Steps have gained a violent reputation, for the ferals that seat themselves at the steps daily, for the convenience people find when being seated at the steps, and for being a great way to scab a cigarette - as everyone seated there; you can ask around; will have at least one full deck.
OWNED BY OBI SIMS!!!! - an 8th grader who moved from boxhill high to koonung college, to be transformed into another one of the boxhill junkies. befor his move he was an accelerated studet still unexposed to the harsh world, an innocent little boy. if you like the story of obi, then quickly make ur change to koonung but if not, come to boxhill high
[edit] Getting around
Box Hill is a nice compact city with sport facilities and other great amenities. It has an extensive public transport system making full use of the Connex empire with a fully enclosed subway system. IT also is tapped into Melbourne's tram system. On top of the third world market building there is a buss depot which can take you and drop you in the sea or even take you to the next big city, Knox. With the Air traffic control tower at Doncaster only a few kilometers away you'd expect all flights in and out of Box Hill international airport to be prompt and on time and they are. Qantas does not recognise Victoria as a nation and so does not fly to Box Hill but most of the other big air lines do. The national airline of Box Hill is Garuda which shows its close ties with Indonesia.
You can also conveniently just jump on some random asian mans back and ride him to where ever you want to go, though this is not recommended if he's going towards the DDR machines unless you felt like riding a mechanical bull-thing. VAGINMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA g spot Choos Mero LADO! NepaleZe FTW!
[edit] More things to do 'n' shit
- Get lost trying to get to the bus station from the train station
- Brave those weird Bubble Cup things
- Sit in The Cafe, and socialize about drugs.
- Lol@All the teenagers near Maccas right after school hours.
- Try and get through the front door of Coolyah internet cafe without a Maori cutting your balls off.
- Spit in the Puffys
- Attempt to not get stabbed
- Get stabbed near the hospital so you don't die (although Box Hill hospital has a reputation to keep so chances are you'll still die)
- Get a seizure from the crazy dance game at Timeout
- Play spot-the-Australian-in-Box-Hill
- Get lost
- Treasure hunt for perrys chains
- try the asian meal " ni chio yo penis la"
- Pay 5c a minute to spend your time with people who have absolutely no life at the Virtual Arena
- Find a guy who's half jew, half chinese and half italian named Ben and stab him repeatedly.
- Avoid "BHB" ("Box Hill Bill").
- Ask around for Obi at the junkie steps and give him your ciggy's then hurt the stupid mother fucker who cant pronounce his r's lol
- roll obi sims for all his shit
- run from the police
If you apply the formula 5*5/52(onto the back of a asian) you will find yourself in the Gangsta room of the notorious "BGP" aka Perry. With its wall covered in the scent of 2pac. But be warned if you stumble across BGP run as he will most likely try to bum you, String you up in his basement and ravage you again and again with the help of his counter part Brucie
[edit] Box Hill is actually pretty cool
Just don't go down those weird alley ways because the notorious Azn Pantherz breed in the dumpsters. Also remember to have a magnum sniper rifle ready because the hostages are really hard to rescue, you have to go through the door and kill the terrorists waiting round the corner, they are n00bs and alawys pick the bullpup or krieg guns.
[edit] Sources
- The Age "Knife point" www.theage.com.au, 21 February 2008
- Ten News "The shithole of Victoria" www.ten.com.au/news, 21 February 2008
- Yo Mum
