Bowser Koopa
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“That guy really needs a laxative.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bowser Koopa
“He touched me in really weird places.”
~ Princess Peach on Bowser Koopa
“I wish he would touch me instead...”
~ Princess Daisy on Bowser Koopa
“I saw him touch your mom!!!”
~ Scruffy the dog on Bowser Koopa
“Dad! Stop cheating on Mama Peach!”
~ Baby Bowser on One of Bowser's Bastard Children
The main antagonist of the Mario series, and the first one to kidnap Princess Peach. In fact, 99.7% of all Mario games involve him kidnapping the princess either physically, mentally, or emotionally. The other 0.03% are the ones where she runs away with him, conceives baby Bowser, and goes crying back to Mario.
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[edit] Biography
[edit] Early Life
Most people don't know this, but Koopas were originally Pokemon living in Can't-oh. Frau Bowser was one such pokemon, caught and trained by a trainer named Kamek. Finally, at level 56 the Koopa evolved into its second stage, King Koopa. This never happened before, because Koopas are the hardest to train (unlike Magikarp) and most trainers don't even bother catching them. But Kamek had the patience of a Zen master.
Frau Bowser is very embarrassed by this part of his past, and rarely aknoledges it. In fact, he edited all his pictures, videos, and games, so he looked like his son Bowser Jr., instead of a lowly Koopa.
[edit] The Great Exodus
Being the very first Koopa to ever evolve, and with his suggestive name, he declared himself the leader of all Koopa-kind. And since most of the Koopas were weak dumbshits, none of them challenged this. The ones who actually might've had a shot at being ruler were just too stupid to realize they had a shot, and so they were forgotten fairly quickly. After ruling the Koopas in harmony in Can't-oh for several years, he suddenly had a vision. In his dream, Digdug along with the four pacman ghosts were on board the Deathstar. They told him that he and the koopas must travel to the promised land, the Mushroom Kingdom, while throwing pasta and condoms at each other. Interestingly, this "religious vision" happened right when Frau Bowser had his first taste of LSD.
And so, he gathered ever single koopa, and together they built an ark. But then Gerald Robotnik stole it and used it as a space colony. So then the koopas just built a boat. After a long, hard voyage, they finally made it to their promised land...or so they thought.
[edit] The first rebellion
At first Bowser and his people were warmly welcomed. But soon, the Mushroom Kingdom apartheid became apparent and the Koopas were treated as second-class citizens. And so, Bowser rallied up his Koopas and allied himself with other oppressed minorities, such as goombas, Waddle-dees, and Gorgonites. Bowser and his forces did manage to defeat the conventional forces and capture princess Peach. Bowser was about to punish her in various kinky ways, until him and his army were suddenly smashed by Mario and Green Guy.
[edit] Why he's called Bowser, not Fat Turtle Soup Manz
During his early years in the Mushroom Kingdom, the Koopa got his first non-DSL internet connection and became totally fascinated by it. He would spend 29 hours a day at search engines looking through random websites. Thus, he was given the nickname "Browser". However, at this time Mario was a novice to the English language, and mispronounced his name as "Bowser". And since Mario is the man, this became King Koopa's name for all eternity. Hey, it was that or just being called "Koopa", and let's face it, the name is pretty gosh-darn cool.
Another theory was that when he was in Australia, people called petrol pumps as "bowsers", so they called him a "motorhead". But that led to them calling "Bowser" when he returned to Australia.
[edit] His never-ending struggle
Despite his loss, Bowser continues to war with the Mushroom Kingdom again and again. He consistently attacks with one devious plot after another, such as kidnapping Peach and going into space, or kidnapping Peach and turning her supposed father into some random animal, or kidnapping Peach and clubbing Mario in the kneecaps. But no matter what, he was always beaten by Mario, Chuck Norris or Link. But no matter how many times he is beaten, or how limited his tactics are, he continues his struggle for two reasons. One, his people along with other minorities must obtain their basic human rights no matter what. Two, he had another "vision" where Mappy used King Hippo as a race horse in Mordor and told Bowser that he and Peach were destined to be together, that no means yes and that he has not got OCD, he´s just really really asprational... Yes, LSD has had a negative effect on his way of thinking indeed.
[edit] The Many Crimes of Bowser
Bowser has done a lot of crimes in the past such as....
- Encouraging his kids to forge hate letters, send them to Big Bird, and kill him.
- Invading The Preggo Kingdom and killing millions of its residents.
- Humping Prof. Lepus while on his adventure.
- The rape of Princess Peach.
- The molestation of Princess Peach.
- The sexual harassment of Princess Peach
- The prostitution of Princess Peach.
- The assassination attempt of Princess Daisy
- Devouring 19 of his own kids as a part of cannibalism.
- Beating the crap out of Pikachu that son of a bitch!
[edit] Bowser's children
It is widely known that Bowser has 527 children who look like miniature versions of himself. However, he only lets a handful of them see the light of day. The rest of them he keeps locked up in closets with beatings and no dinner. It is unknown who the mother of these children are. When asked this, Bowser always replies "Damn Tequilas". He used to live in a cardboard box with 183 of his siblings. It is also believed that famous preacher Fred Phelps is the product of one of Bowser's drunken affairs.
[edit] His Career in Super Smash Bros
Bowser initially planned to appear in the first game, but Nintendo was afraid they'd be considered sexist if the 1-11 female/male ratio was breached.
In "Melee", Bowser filled the "slow, strong, dumbshit" cliche. He was also Master Hand's main tool, appearing as the end boss of Adventure mode. Sometimes, Master Hand would use a Thunderstone on Bowser to evolve his into his third stage, Giga Bowser. But for some reason, the effects were always temporary, and he devolved back into his 2nd stage.
In "Melee", Bowser learned new techniques such as "Whirling Fortress" and "Speed Rape". When Master Hand met his final defeat in Event #50, Bowser stole his supply of Thunderstones. And so, he enslaved Ganondorf and Mewtwo, and beat up all the characters until his ass-kicking in event #51.
In "Brawl", his role was much the same: slow, strong, dumb tool. However, now he could use a Thunderstone to evolve into Giga Bowser, as a Final Smash move. Unfortunately, the censors removed his "Speed Rape" move, due to the increased sexuality it caused in kids.
[edit] Bowser's Powers
- Fire breath It's what no mutant dragon/dinosaur thing should be without!
- Super strength So he can throw anvils at people, and smash their pretty cars.
- Super Slowness Why overdo it with Super Speed?
- Durability So he can use all the lava in his castles as hot tubs!
- Spikes So he can take role playing to the next level.
- Magic He was once a student at Hogwarts, but dropped out after 2 weeks, so he's bad with it.
- Rape Need I say more?
- Clown Rape Much like rape, but dressed up as a clown.
- Teeth He has the only jaws that jawbreakers can't break. Makes Ed, Edd, and Eddy jealous.
- Visions Has had some very freaky LSD visions in his life.
- Whirling fortress Because it's fun getting dizzy!
