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“Shut up, shut up, shut up!”
“You know, I invented Skater Punk”
Skater punks, also called bourgeois or neo-punks, are a notorious urban tribe that was popular from the late 1990s to mid-2000s then quickly died after that. It has attracted deep scientific and sociological research simply because it contradicts the laws of society. Some skater punks, oddly, do not ride a skateboard at all and in fact, strongly fear to scrape their elbows and knees.
To better explain the movement's characteristic contradictions, we'll define the words which form the "bourgeois punk" separately:
Invented Extracted definitions from the Merriam-Webster dictionary)
- Punk: Rock-derived movement appeared in the 70s, characterized by anarchic thought, a violent attitude in its members and wearing unwearable clothes.
- Bourgeois: Member of the dominant class of the capitalist society (in which we live nowadays) characterized by wearing expensive clothes (theoretically of good taste) and having very artificial models.
Now, if we analyze this, we'll see that something doesn't fit.
edit Main characteristics
Neo-punks or Skater punks, also known as “those queers whose ignore how to skate”, comply with a set of basic characteristic series that makes them very distinguishing.
Generally, they listen to punk music which, in conclusion, isn't punk. Like when you eat popcorn and you realize that their “butter” isn't real but an artificial substitute. As a result, their playlist contains groups like McFly, Gallows or Enter Shikari.
Neo-punks hate heavy metal very much, so anybody wearing black clothes or Metallica, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest or any other heavy metal band T-shirt, will be seen as an enemy. The skater punk's other main enemies are the geeks because they aren't very bourgeois and generally like heavy metal. The hostility is therefore doubled if the aforementioned T-Shirt is about any power metal band because such bands deal with geeky topics (swords, dragons, magic...). According to skater punks, this ain't music. As a result, when they find a group of heavy metal fans they will often attempt to attack the enemy, with inevitably dire consequences. Which is why skater punks should learn to avoid the enemy.
In clothing, they collect buttons with Converse stars, cartoon-ish skulls, and “punk” music groups of all colors; which cover their clothes almost entirely. Some people ran out of "cloth-space" and begun to wear buttons on their nipples. Behind the buttons, they wear stars and checker-patterned clothing. If you are yourself a skater punk, you aren't permitted to leave your home unless wearing checker “sox” with black shorts or non-“skinny” jeans.
Their obvious favorite musical instrument is the banjo or the bass guitar, which enables the musician to play with the minimum of effort. They also try to play basketball, exhibiting themselves to strangers and expressing and moving like a Bronx black man. If they play badly, they will say that they aren't trying. Along with basketball, skateboarding is their favorite sport, so they spend time jumping banisters or stairs to show their skating abilities. They are often seen later riding in ambulances thanks to a fracture. But most of the "skater punks" are not skaters at all.
Skater punks have the advantage of being so unbelievably delusional in their coolness that they honestly believe they are sex gods. This often leads to the wearing of ridiculously tight jeans at a very low point on your body, generally 3 to 4 inches under the ass crack. With this cockiness in mind, it is easy to understand why they have girls falling all over themselves to get in those ball-squeezing denim tights. It is also easy to understand why they swiftly undermine females as sex objects and are basically complete douche bags.
edit Skater punk bands
These are the main bands that skater punks listen to. Skater punks consider themselves as unconditional fans (but know only a few songs):
blink-182: (AKA +44): They usually only listen to “All the small things” or "Whats My Age Again?". The wise ones also know “Dammit”, the American Pie soundtrack and that song of +44 which aired in MTV last week.
blink-182 Sum 41: (Are they different?) The majority only remember “In too deep” and "Fat Lip". They may sleep with an “All Killer No Filler” CD under their pillow, and try to skate or jump on their bed singing “mo-ti-va-tion, such an aggravation...” while kicking and punching their pillow and cheap mattress. If the band are very lucky, someone out there might listen to a little of “Does This Look Infected?” (because only a few remember “Hell song”, but everyone likes “Still waiting”...).
Simple Plan: They remember the entire lyrics of “Welcome to my life”, but never admit it in public. So if you have a neo-punk friend who refuses to lend you his/her iPod, you already know why...
Green Day: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and “American Idiot”. Did they make other albums?
The Offspring: Even though they have many albums, for some reason “Conspiracy Of One” is the only one most skater punks know (although some do vaguely recall “Americana”). When they listen to their music for the first time, they go out onto the streets singing “Original Prankster” out loud. When they arrive at “Americana”'s “Why don't you get a job?”, they finally realize the junk they listen to. Maybe they dislike this fact, but they still brag about remembering the lyric part which says “money”.
Good Charlotte: Only the food video... What's its name?
...did I already mention blink-182?
Other groups usually sporadically listened to (even if they don't remember the names of any of their songs) are Millencollin, Good Riddance, Rufio, MxPx, Yellowcard, Peter Punk... Ah, and of course blink-182.
Some heretics love Avril Lavigne (secretly of course), and listening to the “Sk8er Boi”'s piece which says “...he was a punk...” give them pig-like orgasms. Others claim to listen to “real punk”, but everyone knows that they really only know two famous songs, and if they're really lucky, they may own one of their T-shirts.
They also listen to blink-182.
Pennywise: They did that video to remind you then when your dad tells you not to drink milk out of a carton, YOU SQUEEZE IT IN HIS FACE AND RUNOFF AND SKATEBOARD TO SHOW REBELLION.
edit How to be a good skater punk for Dummies
If your only working neuron tells you that you want to be a skater punk, you should read this guide.
Skater punks base their existence on three basic pillars: Clothes, Music and "Non-musical skater punk activities".
Because skater punk clothes are so expensive, here's a basic guide to looking like a skater punk as quickly as possible:
- First, buy a blink-182 T-shirt. With one those, you will be automatically be considered a neo-punk.
- Second, buy a pair of DC's. We assume that you saved money to buy them already. No? Then buy nurse shoes and paint them a checker pattern with a permanent marker. Nobody will notice the difference.
- After saving more money, go to a skate shop and buy a pair of Bermuda shorts, the skating ones. Of course, it doesn't make sense buying skating clothes without having a skateboard, so if you still have money, buy one.
- If you have any money left, buy a new era flat peaked baseball cap, and wear it backward or halfway up your fringe, so it's about to fall off, this shows rebellion.
These are the basics to start. Then, you can continue adding another skateboard, etc etc...
You won't be neo-punk until you've listened to at least some songs by “Skater punk bands”, and have developed the ability to emulate their drum or bass rhythms. It may help to buy an acoustic guitar, Guitar Hero, or at least a toy guitar. Remember to love to those who changed punk like Blink-182 and Good Charlotte! And if you are a girl, Avril Lavigne must be your idol. Listen to much Lavigne music and you'll be very
edit Neo-punk variants
These are the varieties differing from typical skater punks.
They're more bourgeois than punk, so their clothes are their main characteristic, usually replacing straight pants with skater Bermuda shorts with many letters and other decorations. Ah! And with skater punk band logos! Also, they replace the bands' T-shirts with ones from brands like Circa, Independent, Etnies or World Industries.
They claim to have “ideology” and be fans of original punk. They like neo-punk bands but, ATTENTION! Also, they like original punk bands! So there are more T-shirt possibilities. But they do not dress like original punks.
So if you want to be in this sub-sub-species, the steps vary slightly. Follow carefully the above instructions, but replace the blink-182 T-shirt with a Ramones T-shirt in a fluorescent color and use it three times each week. Learning the meaning of checker patterns, skulls, stars and other queernesses is emo poseur punks business. You like real punk, so you'd better memorize The Ramones' discography. If you bought your black T-shirt with fluorescent Ramones logo and a punk wearing a pink version of it asks you “Do you like the Ramones?”, say YES. Surely this will be enough to convince him/her of your punkiness. But if then he/she asks you “What song do you prefer?”, don't get scared or run away. Even if you never knew who the Ramones were or even if you believed that “Ramones” was a clothing brand. Simply answer “Ah, the best is 'Hey ho, let's go'”. It will be enough to enhance considerably your social punkiness and establish you as a wise punk.
Now, if you want to impress all the punk tribe, of which now you are a member, ask them “Did you listen to 'I wanna be sedated' by the Ramones?”. Everyone will get perplexed and, be fearing humiliation, they will answer you something like “Of course, I love it...”
Tip: If the former is asked to you, limit to answer it the most arrogantly you can “Of course, but I like 'Havana Affair' more”. Oh! With this, you will be considered the supreme leader! If for any reason, the former fails, say something like this: “Well, yeah, I recognize that punk isn't only the Ramones... there's also the Sox Pistols, Anti-Flag, the Misfits, The Televisions, The Darned, Bad Religion, The Cash...”
This way, demonstrating your vast knowledge of punk culture, you'll be their boss until someone discovers that you searched for those names in Google and your iPod is choked with The Offspring's entire discography. At this moment, you'll stop being a jerk skater punk wearing a Ramones T-shirt, and become the CORPSE of a jerk skater punk wearing a Ramones T-shirt. But be happy pal. It was good while it lasted.
If you didn't buy a black Ramones T-shirt: To
look like a poseur allow others to recognize your punk knowledge, you can substitute a Clash or even a Sex Pistols T-shirt. But be careful with your words.
If you have a The Clash T-shirt:
- Replace “Hey ho, let's go” with “Should I stay or should I go”.
- Replace “I wanna be sedated” with “Rock the Casbah”.
- Replace “Havana affair” with “London calling”.
If you have a Sex Pistols T-shirt:
- Look for it on youtube, lazy.
edit Fisher Price presents: My first skater punk band (TM)
If you took this article VERY seriously, and you want to go beyond just being a skater-punk and start your own band (even if is only to use the bass guitar that you bought after selling your pet and extorting your parents) follow these simple steps:
- First, give a name to your band. Can be anything (the more stupid the better), but ALWAYS MUST be complemented by a random number, to demonstrate your devotion to blink-182 and Sum 41. Examples: 752B, 74% Alcohol, 69 Ills, 100 Super Sausages...
- Then, begin from the bottom. Remember that the American Pie soundtrack wasn't made in one day. Beginning with your own songs is too pretentious. Do what all bands do: make an “In Too Deep” cover. Note that nobody but
dubiouslythe Sum 41 vocalist could seem so so heterosexual singing that song. But it doesn't matter, if you took the decision to get in this field, you don't care so much about your reputation, sexual definition or integrity...
- When you write your first original song, it must be named according to this algorithm: Any word (in any language - doesn't matter if it's not related to the actual lyrics)] song. Meaning doesn't matter, it's a skater punk tradition. Examples include: Adam's Song, Hell Song, Vans Song...
- Now, it's time to make a MySpace site. The easiest is making the profile photo: You and your band members must disguise yourselves as indicated in the clothes section, then adopt wild poses with exaggerated grimaces. Steal an emo forum template and begin to add the bands described above as your top friends or influences. Make sure to keep your site full of positive comments. Post them yourself if necessary (with different accounts, jerk), but remember, must be wReEtEeN ZuM-tHEeNg LyK dEeez and must seem to have been submitted by masturbating teen girls.
- After creating the MySpace site is time to make the purevolume band site. This is the easiest step: just copy and paste your band's MySpace profile. Don't worry, nobody will notice because nobody will visit it, but do it anyway. If not, you simply aren't a
blink-128 fanskater punk.