Bouncy Castle

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A popular defensive measure during the Medieval period, the bouncy castle dissuaded attack by bouncing. Bouncy castles look exactly like static castles, except for the enormous springs concealed in the cellar. As an enemy, such as Goths, Vandals or rabbits approached, castle staff would release the springs causing the entire castle to shoot up into the air, thus saving it from plunder.

Bouncy castle
A bouncy castle on the loose over Wiltshire

History

The first recorded idea for the bouncy castle comes from the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci. Forward thinking as ever, da Vinci rendered his castle complete with springs, airbags, CD player and machine guns to deal with helicopter attacks. Like so many of da Vinci's ideas, however, it was hundreds of weeks before anyone put it into practice.

The great Italian pig dispute of 1462

The first practical implementation of bouncy castles arose out of a dispute between the Duke of Burgandy and the Duke of Milan concerning the number of pigs that could fit inside Jesus' hat. The Duke of Burgandy, influenced by the rationalist thinking of Spinoza, asserted that the answer was around one fifteenth of a pig, or in layman's terms, an ear. The Duke of Milan denied this, claiming that since it was Jesus they were talking about, he would have a special magic hat, so the number would be at least three thousand pigs and maybe more. That way, he would always have a pig spare if the apostles got hungry.

The resulting argument gripped all of Italy and peasants began throwing dung at each other, then rocks and finally chairs. It was civil war on a scale that had never been seen before, since or even at the time. At the height of it, the two Dukes were losing a castle an hour. A large hole appeared in the castle layer. To counter this, the dukes ordered huge trenches to be dug and the remaining castles put inside them. It was an uneasy stand off. Fifty seven castles faced each other over a strip of mud just ten meters wide. Men were dying by the thousands - mostly of boredom.

Guiseppe Punto

Far away, in sunny Genoa, the birds were singing and children were laughing and a kindly old springsmith named Guiseppe Punto was busy making a hundred foot spring for a private party hosted by Princess Eliza of The Notorious Reputation. Though he was kind, he was also prone to extreme violence and the singing birds and laughing children drove him mad with distraction, so he would shut himself up in his house all day and devote himself to springs, castle theory and the works of Leonardo da Vinci. It was while toying with his hundred foot spring that everything fused in Guiseppe's brain and he suddenly thought:

Hey, why not make a castle that bounces?

How it works

Static Castle

A standard static castle is largely springless. They depend for their defense on not being attacked relentlessly by a huge suicidal horde of war-crazed bandits or pterodactyls that just keep on coming and coming, hurling themselves at the walls until finally something gives and there's a breach and in they pour, waving their swords about and yelling and shouting and kicking over tables. The fatal weakness in this strategy is that castles tend to really stick out in a sort of obvious, castley way. If a wandering suicidle hoard of war crazed bandits or pterodactyls has spotted yours, then there's not a lot you can do about it, except to run away, build another castle somewhere else and hope that they don't follow you.

Winders
Spring winders at work

Bouncy Castle

The bouncy castle uses a scientific property of bounce to avoid this problem. The castle basement is filled with large springs that are wound up to a tension determined by the springman or bouncemaster. All of the tension is collected, by means of wires and pulleys, into one coil of rope that is held in place with a special peg called the springman's bung. If an enemy attacks, the king orders the springman to wollop his bung. This releases all the tension in the springs which respond by firing into the ground. The entire castle will shoot up into the air leaving the enemy targetless and worried.

As the guild of bungmen always used to say: "It's all in the springs". If the springs are too small, the castle will only raise up about a centimeter and then just land with a thump and get attacked as normal. If the springs are too big, it can enter the outer atmosphere and go into permanent orbit. With the right sized spring, a controlled bounce can be set in motion, and it is with the controlled bounce that an enemy can be defeated.

Techniques and uses

Springhad
A suicidal horde of idiots unwittingly surges under a bouncy castle and risks being flattened.

The Springman's Haddock.

This is perhaps the most popular defensive technique. As an enemy approaches, wait until they are at a distance and speed that is in exact proportion to the size and weight of your castle. If they are running fast enough, they will be caught by surprise and run right under the castle, only to be flattened in the landing.

Old Watchbeard's Ironing Board.

This is a good alternative to the Springman's Haddock if you can't be arsed to work out the exact proportion of enemy distance and speed to the size and proportion of your castle. Simply bounce at any time you choose. The enemy will run right under the castle and then be forced to turn around and attack all over again. After about twenty seven attempts, they will get really tired and just go home.

Chasing the Pope.

If, pre-bounce, all the furniture is moved to just one side of the castle, this will give the upward thrust an angle of attack which means that, as well as going up, the castle will go forward. Thus, warfare can be combined with tourism as you wander the countryside looking for interesting sights and peoples to crush mercilessly beneath your castle.

Where to spot one

Having read thus far, you're probably all fired up and raring to go out and bag a photo of a great big bouncy castle all for yourself. Sure, we've all been there, but the problem is that bouncy castles, by their very nature, are incredibly difficult to find. In a recent press statement, the British pop wonder, Cliff Richard claimed that he'd spotted one in the suburbs of Tokyo and that he was off to visit it with a team of mules. Mr. Richard has invited anyone who wants to come to join him and maybe sing some songs, but honestly, he says this every week and he never goes so people have long stopped believing him.

Warwick Castle, in England, used to be a bouncy castle but the springs were removed by Victorian doctors to prevent over-emotionalism in passing females.

Literary references

Dasbouncyschloss

The Bouncy Castle is a novel by Franz Kafka, who was inspired to write it when he saw one bounce past Prague. A rollicking comedy that extends to over 6000 pages, it concerns the exploits of B, an unemployed postman. B wanders all over the Thuringian countryside in search a mysterious long lost bouncy castle. On the way, B meets lots of people, such as the dancing janitor and the keeper of the bells. At first he's happy, but then he realises that all of the people he meets are not real people at all, but just metaphors. This makes him quite dizzy and he has to sit down and have a cup of tea. The bouncy castle itself proves elusive, thus operating simultaneously as a ridiculous narrative device and a symbol of the encroaching fuzziness of Western Kleptocraticism.

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