From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Not to be mixed up with bottled fire!”
“Drink 8 bottles a day and you will be healthy!”
“I drank 8 bottles and all it did was make me PISS OUT MY ASS!”
In the beginning God made water, seven fucking oceans and this bastard only made 3% drinkable! So as exploiters of modern 70's living lifestyle congress decided to put the highly toxic ocean water into a cup and sell it as bottled water. Unfortunately this bottle model didn't work, so they had to come back with America's best and lead scientists to think up a container for this liquid, and various models were invented. A massive 5 ft. tall cup was one of the first, but it's flaw was the drink would take approximately 43 years to get to the users fuck hole. Later a cup with a lid was made, the only flaw was you couldn't drink while the lid was on. Many models were made and failed including the following:
- Your Mom
- Gulp 44 Cup
- Cups made of iron
- Cups made of silver
- Coffee Cans
- Robot Mouths
edit Materials To Make The BottleBottles are made up of a very complex material known as plastic, so the ingredients are: oil, oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, beer, eye of newt, and toe of frog. humans and human children. Conservatives claim that humans and human children should only be used for beating and spreading small town church ideals and being grumpy, white, and old.
edit Jesus, Advertisement Figure for Bottled Water
During the B.C. years the Romans struggled to renew their trademark, being they killed the Lord and Saviour, Jesus H. Christ II, so they had a signing deal with him to promote bottled water. Quickly people started drinking this "holy water" only to find the main side effects included but weren't limited to; Quenching thirst,wetting one's whistle, making hard food enjoyable and not becoming dehydrated. Many people were angry with the side-effects and started a cult, later known to be called Egypt.
edit Common Questions asked about Bottled Water
Side Note: 90% of people or n00bs think that bottled water should be questioned, mostly because they weren't smacked hard enough as children, and had asked "How Is Babby Made?" or "How Girl Get PreGnant?" or "Can I really use spit as lube?"
- Question: Why is it at gas stations there is always this 3/4 + 2 of a dollar bottle of water that is like 50% bigger than all the normal $1.30 bottles of water?
- Answer: Because it's a mind trick, the bottle looks bigger but your retarded and pick the name brand water.
- Question: What "purifies" water?
- Answer: God himself. or bleach.
- Question: Does this look infected?
“I don't know you tell me, does this look erected?”
edit Other Endorsements
After Jesus had to cancel his contract to die for our sins, there various peoples replacing his place to be the figure head.
- Billy Mays: He was claimed to be the second best endorsement, claiming that his product [water] could do anything, including allow you to swim. This was very similar to Jesus's walk on water claim. Billy sold over 5,000,000,000 mega units of water (the equivalent to three fourth of a ocean) in less than two weeks of selling, being he scared most viewers of his commercials shitless, with his excessive yelling and screaming at them that his product would kill them if they did not agree to the calling of a 800 number and paying 19.95 in human dollars. Shortly after failing to sell enough units to make his new contract, he overdosed on cheezburgerz and died of a fatal death.
- Hitler: He was claimed to be the worst endorsement ever. Being he did sell water, but in a manner that resulted in war. After the death 60 Million, he was fired and died a fatal death.
- Michael Jordan: Was an endorsement during the shooting of the movie Space Jam, claiming water could make you play basketball better, evidently it was held true, til' proven it didn't by Bugs Bunny.
- Aqua Man: Never endorsed water, wtf do people think that?
- John Holmes: He advertised water, although he was not an endorsement, claiming women should use it to bless their holes. Surprisingly he was very useful until he contracted a fatal death. Then he went to sell water in hell at discount price.
- Jay Cutler:This man is the current endorsement. He currently is know for drinking an entire 24 pack of bottled water all at once, to quench his muscles need for liquid. Although he used to endorse what plants crave he had to move on being some idiot from the past was smarter than him. All and all he has scared millions into buying water.
edit Facts About Water
- ...90% of all liquids are mad up of water, including Jesus juice.
- ...Your mom needs water.
- ...Las Vegassteals water.
- ...Water boarding is not a form of torture. I.E. Republican Party.
edit Not as good as water bottled
A common debate in society is that water in a bottle is better. Supreme Court ruled that allegation wrong in the court case Moron vs. Asshole. Enviably Asshole won, gaining bragging rights for his [Alcoholics Anonymous] club.
edit Places Where Bottled Water is Banned
It is a commonly known fact that water via bottle is banned in areas such as; the ghetto, Iraq, Theme Parks, and any place you can have fun or enjoy your life more without paying 3.50 for one damn sip of liquid in a tiny ass container from a half bit vending machine.