“A strange, strange instrument, filled with paradoxes within itself. The first and only time I ever used this sonic enigma I awoke to find myself in a ditch feeling slightly disoriented, with day-glo orange paint all over my body, wearing nothing but a tutu and sporting a ghastly tattoo of Ayn Rand. I couldn't recollect a single thing; it's almost like time didn't exsist...I saw myself within my psyche, travelling through an alternate universe, and discovered the meaning of life.”
The Bottle-Cap-Stick-Shaker-Thing is an electric percussive instrument which is primarily used as a substitute for underqualified drummers, and occasionally used to ward off banshees and ewoks. Also known as a "LAGERPHONE" in Australia.
The Bottle-Cap-Stick-Shaker-Thing is the by-product of a failed experiment by LSD guru Timothy Leary to make a musical instrument which could "bleed colors" when used in the correct manner. What that meant to any of Leary's assistants or friends at the time was unknown as they were also high on entheogens and Scotchgard™. Leary was pleased with the result of his acid invention, and was quoted as saying he was "...feeling quite Δ". Criitics and scientists alike agree that Leary's invention is the closest we will get to someone inventing something almost legitamite, despite useless, musical instrument whilst tripping balls off the face of the Earth.
Originally made out of raw onion meal and paraffin wax, the first model was hand-crafted in 1967, with the idea and patent sold to Frito-Lay in 1970 for a handsome sum of $500 (just enough for Leary to buy 1 tonne of fermented human feces and to start experimenting with the mind-altering drug known today as 'Jenkem'). Made out of Saharan pine and Billy Beer bottle-caps, the first electric model went on sale at Guitar Center® for -$21.99. This meant that the store would pay the customer $21.99 to take the instrument home. Unfortunately only one person ever 'purchased' the instrument, which was Mamie Eisendorf, of Spud Hollow, Idaho, and Frito-Lay soon went bankrupt. They quickly turned to making fritatas and corn chips and became a successful enterprise in doing so - earning them a #22 ranking on the Top 100 Companies Which Have Successfully Encouraged A Fat Generation list by Forbes. The patent for the Bottle-Cap-Stick-Shaker-Thing was subsequently bought out by the Smithsonian Institute in 1979, who used the instruments as an arm-extension to open & close high-situated awning windows throughout the museum.
It has been leaked by insiders that drum manufacturer Tama®, of Japan, has bought the patent to the instrument, and as recent as March 2008, talks are underway to re-release the instrument for the new millennium to a new generation. There have been exciting talks about new features for the unit, including an optional anti-static shock insulator and even designing circuitry to the electric plug so the power plug finally has an actual purpose.
The first and only production run of the Bottle-Cap-Stick-Shaker-Thing yielded exactly 2,000 units. Of these 2,000 units, the only people who are known to own a Bottle-Cap-Stick-Shaker-Thing are:
- Mamie Eisendorf
- Meg White
- Rolf Harris
- George Dubya Bush
- The Muffin Man
- Simon Rodia High School, Watts, Los Angeles
- Billie Joe Armstrong
- Lars Ulrich (owning 3)
This means that exactly 1,990 units remain and exsist, yet there whereabouts are unknown. The instrument was featured on PBS's Antiques Roadshow TV program, where valuers estimated that an individual Bottle-Cap-Stick-Shaker-Thing may fetch up to $21.99 in mint condition.
How To Use
STEP 1: Grasp the instrument thusly, in a comfortable manner.
Avoid eating rice at this point.
STEP 2: Study the instrument. Be one with it.
It is your absolute center.
STEP 3: Start on the right hand side.
Initiate kinetic movement leftward.
STEP 4: Flick to left hand side. Briefly rest on the open palm of your opposite hand.
Repeat to and fro as desired.
STEP 5: Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You did well for a retard.
STEP 6: Masturbate.