Boston Legal
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“Boston? Legal? I didn't know that place was legal!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Boston Legal
“Denny Crane”
~ Denny Crane on Denny Crane
Boston Legal, a.k.a. Star Gate meets Star Trek The Series, is a hit United States television show (2004-Present), starring James Have Your Pets Spader-neutered and William Shatner. The show is centered on two lawyers, rising star Alan Shore (James Have Your Pets Spader-neutered) and fading ember Denny Crane (William Shatner). Many episodes portray serious issues like (brace yourself) Iraq, War on Terror, US legal system, Death Penalty, Abortion, Gay rights, Canivorism, Sex, Drugs, Nudity, Mental Health, William Shatner, Affirmative Action, Civil Rights, Republicans, whilst still being able to deliver the material in a comedic fashion that is actually quite commonly done these days by writers for all sorts of different television shows, movies and those horrible YouTube videos.
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[edit] Typical Episode
The typical Boston Legal episode follows a very familiar and predictable pattern:
Opening Argument: The show starts out with some comic relief that has almost nothing to do with the episode. This typically takes the form of Denny Crane trying to chat up the newest female member of the office staff or Alan Shore trying to get into Shirley Schmidt’s knickers.
The Case for the Prosecution: A random character with a huge legal problem that has moral issues relevant to today’s modern society comes to Crane, Poole, Schmidt and Spock, and nine times out of ten is poached by Alan Shore.
The Case for the Defense: A smaller, quirkier case (but just as morally important, albeit on a slightly different level) is taken on by one or more of the show's lesser characters.
The Cross Examination: Denny Crane starts practicing sexual congress with a random woman he has just met. Suddenly he's married to her and the entire law firm and the reputation of Crane, Poole, Schmidt and Spock is put into jeopardy because of his liberal approach to sex. Paul Lewiston contorts himself into verbal knots and repeats the firm’s name mantra-like in the belief that his invocation will rescue the firm from Denny’s lascivious behavior. Meanwhile, Alan Shore continues on with his case, which has surprising plot twists and the odd red herring. The lesser characters deal with their cases with hilarious consequences, usually having a Red Shirt die a horrible death to prove how dangerous opposing lawyers are.
Closing Arguments: Shirley Schmidt (Head Matriarch of the firm) solves the underlying issues, keeps the firm afloat, and generally saves the day. As per usual. The lesser characters settle their case(s), and Alan Shore resolves his case with a passionate closing argument that gets the jury on side every time.
Verdict: The episode concludes with Denny Crane and Alan Shore sitting up on their balcony, drinking scotch and pretending to smoke wooden fake cigarettes whilst discussing their promiscuity that transpired during the show. Everything ends happily with a sleepover at Denny’s place, involving little people, flamingos and mannequin replicas of Shirley Schmidt.
[edit] Relevance of the Show
Unlike most shows on television which have absolutely no redeeming qualities and do nothing for society (like Gray's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, Seinfeld, According To Jim, King of Queens, Two and a half Men, Survivor, Big Brother, Fear Factor, and The New Adventures of Old Christine), Boston Legal provides social commentary on our Legal system, or our non-legal system, err I mean, but of course our legal system is perfect - it's better than any other nation's (50^^3 0|\|3 |-|3|p 7|-|3|25 4 9|_|*/ |_|0||)i|\|9 4 9|_||\| 47 ^^3, |-|3 54*/5 |-|3'5 \/\/i7|-| |_||\|(|3 54^^, 8|_|7 i |)0|\|7 533 4|\|*/ |_||\|(| 54^^ \/\/i7|-| |-|i^^, |-|3||*! ). The show mimics our legal system, in that on the show all the Lawyers are white and all the defendants are black. In fact, in real life there is a disproportion of black people in the criminal justice system as compared with whites. The reason lies with the paranoid white suburbs. People who live in the suburbs are typically white and have a safe, affluent existence complete with sports cars, satellite TV and every tech toy known to man. The suburbans have a lot, which of course means that they can lose a lot. And the suburbans fear the people their ancestors have been exploiting for hundreds of years, the big scary black man. The whites have always feared the black man who would come up from the intercity would destroy everything and everyone they hold dear. So they invented the suburbs as a way to escape the black man who depends largely on public transit for transportation. Unfortunately staying away from the black man wasn't enough for white people because every now and then one might acquire a vehicle and be able to purge into the suburbs. Thus the whites established Homeowners Associations with networks of police officers to patrol the suburbs and keep the Evil doers out. However, the whites not only wanted to defend themselves, they wanted to go one step further in defense and take the fight to the black man, in his neighborhood. The suburbans used the concept of "Taking the Fight to Them" as an effective means of defense: the method is also known as offensive defense. This strategy is also the same strategy America is using to win the War on Terror, which is why we'll win in Iraq in three months. Suburbans use offensive defense so that the black man would be so occupied defending himself, he wouldn't be able to attack. The suburbans employed this strategy by amassing hundreds of police officers to patrol the inner cities and to arrest every black man in sight when a crime occurred. The paranoid white fear of the black man requires a huge criminal justice system which is where "Boston Legal" comes in. In the show Alan Shore defends the black man in court, and typically his closing arguments include some material above to cause the white jury to emphasize with the black man. Shore usually wins his cases, but when he doesn't he uses bribes, his many connections or tells his clients to flee the country. Meanwhile, Denny Crane shoots black people with his many guns, as he has a hunting permit for red shirts when in season.
[edit] Shatkins Diet
Boston Legal has turned many people on to the Shatkins Diet. Created by William Shatner, his diet reinforces the five main food groups: Hamburger, Beef, Sirloin, cheap fruit salad, and wooden fake cigarettes. Shatner insists that this is not a diet, but rather a lifestyle. The diet was first written about in the 1990's in William Shatner's book the Shatkins diet, however the diet was relatively unheard of until Shatner stared as Denny Crane in "Boston Legal". With the show Shatner regained status as a sex symbol almost overnight. Despite his weight, he was still able to get married at least every other episode. Many teenage boys who wanted to mimic his appeal began to pick up the Shatkins diet and began to eat like Shatner. They began to get overweight, but women now viewed them as big fat love machines, something they never were before. Women seeing men's success on the dating arena took up the Shatkins diet, and they too became big fat love machines that men just loved. Middle-aged men who are going through mid-life crises are also picking up the diet in record numbers because they do everything teenagers do in an attempt to be just like them. Thanks to Shatner, everyone now is happy and overweight; you can't go around a corner anymore with out seeing a happy, attractive fat person killing a Redshirt accidentally by sitting on him.
[edit] Quotes from the Show
“I'm such a slut for authority.”
~ Alan Shore
“She dumped me for an Iphone!”
~ Jerry Espensen
“It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.”
~ Denny Crane
“Ensign Redshirt, go check that obvious deathtrap over here! This way I can adjourn court and find a way to save the day during the five minute break. Go! Now! Don't make me use my gun...”
~ Denny Crane
“Massachusetts is a blue State, God has no place here.”
~ Denny Crane
“I object! How can we trust a Goaould to take an oath on the bible? He might have written that book for all we know!”
~ Alan O'Shore
“You know we have a little saying in Massachusetts: Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die.”
~ Alan Shore
“He's dead Jim! Do you want his wallet or the legal case?”
~ Alan Shore
“I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.”
~ Denny Crane
“You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.”
~ Alan Shore
“We were all saved, because I was armed. I think every citizen should carry gun on his waist, heck all the criminals have 'em. The answer isn't less guns - it's more guns.”
~ Denny Crane
[edit] Exosolar Planet
A massive superjovian planet has recently been renamed Dennycrane because nothing else known to humanity could match its bulk. It is deeply repulsive to anything female. It regularly broadcasts repetitious messages entitled Dennycrane. It orbits a deeply dowdy white dwarf called Lallande 21185.
