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Boristany is a religion founded in 1991 by avid followers of Buzz Osborne (most notably Tom Connor). The core belief is faith in the divine power of Boris, and revering this ahead of all aspects of life. The religion derives its name from the Melvins (which Buzz is a member of) song of the same name (Boris). The song in question is widely regarded amongst Boristonians as a musical prophecy, to guide them through their lives. Their chosen God, Buzz Osborne, is known for his wild, grey afro-hair and tendency to become infinitely sweaty (and consequently wise) during concerts, especially during "Boris". 'The Riff', as it is referred to by followers, is regarded as the best riff in the history of humankind- it is not uncommon for followers to pray regularly to 'the riff'.
History and Belief
The main concept and principles of Boristianity were put forward upon the release of The Melvins' 1991 album, "Bullhead". The album opened with the now messianic song, "Boris". Upon hearing this, fans reportedly devoted their life to Boris, laying down the blueprint for the belief.
The belief is to have faith in the divine power of Boris, and to hold this with the uppermost importance in one's life. Buzz Osborne, their chosen God as the composer of "Boris", is known to become "infinitely sweaty" during concerts, thus driving his followers to do so themselves. It is seen as wisdom in Boristianity to be particularly sweaty, to quote the Borisible: "it helps..."
Buzz Osborne is believed to have created the earth approximately 6 million years ago, the day he decided to tune to Drop A, and thus, Boris was born. As the Low A note rang out, the solar system was created.
“I met Boris once, nice guy, quite tall too.”
There has been much speculation over who this 'Boris', the protagonist of the prophetic song, is. When once questioned about 'Boris', Buzz Osborne replied "Boris likes a lot of little things to kick". Startled fans reportedly marvelled in his infinite sweatiness while he delivered the comment. To quote Mr. Osborne more, Boris "knows and Boris likes it all". When asked about his relation to Boris, he replied "See, Boris has way of seein' through my eyes"
There has also been as much speculation over Boris' appearance. Buzz has refused on several occasions to comment. The artist's rendering to the right is the only available idea as to Boris' appearance.
Boristonians, as they prefer to be called, are the followers of Boristany. They all share similar beliefs, most notably faith in the divine power of Boris. The typical appearance of a Boristonian is comprised of long, grey afro-hair (a la Buzz Osborne) and a shirt which shows sweat very well- Boristonians are very sweaty by choice and pride themselves in this. Boristonians are highly respected in the fashion field for their ability to be infinitely sweaty while maintaining "crazy grey afro-hair".
Boristonians are believed to be clinically brain-dead. This appears to be a result of the sheer pound of "Boris", the constant listening causes Boristonians to assume a more primal, goal-based being. Their instincts in this state are simply to converge, sweat and listen to "Boris".
Boristonians have a daily schedule, which they must by all means adhere to. It is as follows:
- Listen to "Boris"
- Pray to the riff, at least 5 times.
- Maintain their afro-hair.
- Sweat, as excessively as possible.
Following the example set by Lord Buzz, Boristonians see sweating as very important in Boristany. It is seen as a display of wisdom for one to sweat, and so it is believed that the sweatier you are, the wiser you are. A core part of their unofficial "uniform", a shirt which shows sweat well, is intended specially for the purpose of sweating.
As outlined in the Borisible, sweating was invented by Lord Buzz Osborne in 7096 BB (Before Boris). It was invented intentionally for the purpose of showing wisdom. Buzz Osborne, as the inventor is said to have perfected the art of sweating and can reportedly sweat 2 litres in a second, on demand. The worst case of sweating ever reported was at a Melvins concert in 1991, where Buzz involuntarily went into a wisdom overload and sweated in excesses of 100 litres per second. The town was flooded within minutes of "Boris" and thousands were reduced to poverty.
“Oh my God! What have I created?!”
The Riff, as it is known by the followers is the main driving force during "Boris". It is notable for being in Drop A tuning, this being the turning point for mankind as when Buzz tuned down to A, the solar system was created.
It was designed by Buzz especially to encourage sweating. His great knowledge of musical theory ensured each note used would result in infinite sweatiness. Buzz reports being shocked when first writing the riff, he said of it:
- "I was just jamming about on guitar like I normally do, then all of a sudden, I played this riff. I just...got so...sweaty- I liked it. I played it again, and again, and then I slipped up on the sweat and woke up in hospital two weeks later."