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“The man's a fool. Wait a minute, isn't that me?”
“Using Darwin's Theory of Evolution, Explain Boris Johnson.”
“Oh Boris, you're such a massive twat.”
“Holy Jesus, it's a fucking Q-Tip!”
“Duck's wearing thongs flipping Somalia rely on michael buble and one jacket potato.”
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson aka Borik Obarmy, or BoJo, former MP for Cloud Cuckoo Land, mayor of Toytown, and part time zookeeper, is a jolly good chap. A tit, but a jolly good chap none the less. He's pictured right pretending to be a hippo in an ASCII cartoon and is the self-styled Next Prime Minister of Great Britain.
While Johnson is technically a Conservative, that hasn't alienated the left because his is a hereditary conservatism, bestowed on him his mummy and daddy, Viscount St.John Cholmondeley-Featherstonebaugh and Lady Margarita Smith-Smythe-Smith-Recurring. He doesn't really understand about politics and believes he won his election rosette for having the tidiest desk.
Thai mother, half Finnish half polar bear father, Ashkenazi great-grandfather, his wife is half English half Indian and their 200" TV is part Japanese and part German, Lord knows where the children came from.
Johnson was educated at Eton, where he was repeatedly nailed to the wall for being too retarded. He learned all there is to know about Albinos, and nothing about London, which qualifies him perfectly for his present role.
Leaving school with a pie and an Albino resemblance, he tried to make his living as a bounty hunter which in time became a great Tv programme Polar Bear the Bounty Hunter from which he caught many fish, brian peppers, gays and George W Bush.
Borik 'Boris' Obarmy has revealed that he has traced his ancestry to humble slaves.
“So much for people who claim that I am some kind of stuck-up toff, what!”
He has recently discovered, just in time for the election, that his great-grandmother Mrs Ludmilla Obarmy was a Greek slave sold by Ottoman Turks to a wealthy Turkish merchant 'Kenite the Red' and transported to America in the cramped cargo hold of a bendy bus to deliver speeches which will embarrass Arnold Schwarzenegger. There were some emotional scenes with Obarmy weeping into his top-hat as he sang 'set my people free' backed by the privately paid gospel choir of the Turkish Orthodox Tabernacle Choir. Obarmy's discovery of his slave roots was hailed as a major breakthrough in the election campaign by daytime TV celebrity Mattew D'Ancona, who said
|Boris feels our pain. He will lead us to the promised land i.e. London|
Boris also discovered that he was related to the British monarch George XIX on his mother's side in part of a BBC television series, he is currently planning to run for the office of 'King' and is already ahead of Elizabeth II and Rupert Murdoch in the polls.
Is Boris a Russian Gangster?
There are many reasons to believe that Boris is in fact a Russian gangster, or even a KGB agent sent during the Cold War to gather information from inside the UK government. These facts suggest that he is in fact a Russian:
- He has a Russian sounding first name and a boring run-of-the-mill English surname, probably taken from a phone book.
- He has a thinly disguised Russian accent.
- He is barely capable of speaking English.
- He behaves in a stereotypical “British fop” manner. No real English person behaves this way; he probably got his guide to how English people are supposed to behave by watching episodes of Friends or The Simpsons.
- He became part of the ruling party of the UK during the 1980’s and yet does no obvious work within it.
- He has ridiculously blond hair which is generally associated with those Nordic types.
Is he a retired KGB agent who was fired in 1991, but decided to stay in the UK rather than going back to that shit hole Russia? We may never know.
The main things that seem to have attracted Johnson's followers are:
- He won the Victoria Cross for saving Simon Heffer from the wrath of the Scouse (by pratting about until everyone had forgotten what was going on).
- He's a bit of a tit and likes to have many others around him, especially tits with tits.
- His hair. It is simply Boris Johnson. It can only be adequately described as 'Epic'.
- He has about a million jobs and doesn't do any of them.
- He's a good chap. You know. Chaps. And all that. Chaps stick up for chaps, what what?
- He will probably fall over at some stage, which will be funny.
- He headbutts Germans in their bollocks while playing charity football. Truly emphasizing the good sportsmanship of charity sporting events and the British in general.
- His smile could burn a thousand men.
- He is the Prophet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the greatest mortal enemy of the Crab People.
- He is the only man in living history to have successfully digested a London street-vendor hot-dog.
- He lights his farts.
- He hates the people of Portsmouth because he knows even though they are all chavs, they still have a better chance of sleeping with Penelope Cruz, then him getting a haircut.
- He is a beacon of hope for albinos everywhere.
- He loves a Wagon Wheel every now and then, even though they're not as big as they used to be.
- He has a certain distaste for duct tape.
- He's down with the kids!
- He's down with the albinos!
- He's down with the ethnics!
- He is allergic to John Prescott
- He tried to snort cocaine but sneezed (that's actually the truth!)
- He keeps "victory cake" in a tupperware box for when he's done something particularly hard
- His initials are BJ! ROFLOMGWTFLOLBBQ!
- He is the national Baby Eating Champion.
- He gave Jade Goody cancer.
- He did indeed eat all the pies.
- He can play the harmonica with his balls.
- He served Harry Potter.
- He fagged for the Unabummer.
- He firmly believes that crinkle-cut chips were invented by the Japanese and have the power to cure palsy.
- He is completely and utterly Bat Fuck Insane.
- He is one of the many suspected biological fathers of Prince Harry, along with Will Carling, Anthony Blunt and the Band of the Coldstream Guards.
- London hasn't blown up yet, so he must be doing something right. Go Boris!
- Before becoming aware of what the word "mayor" means he was married to lord puffmuffington, a frog which exists only in Boris Johnson's mind, and Kofi Annan's locker at JFK airport.
Boris Johnson has, unlike most Tory politicians, never been the leader of the Conservative party. This is because he has always exceeded the hair restriction placed on prospective candidates. His most recent success was reaching the qualifying round of Junior Mastermind, choosing "Ooh, ahh. Gosh. I don't know. Bimbos?" as his subject, at the age of 37. He currently lives inside a giant shoe with 50 of his illegitimate children, all called Boris so that he can remember their names, and all fed on Wagon Wheels to keep them bouncy. Someday soon he hopes to complete a coherent sentence.
Boris is also a talented footballer, appearing in a charity match (with white boots!) and successfully tackling a German, something Philip Neville has failed to do since 1997.
Boris is a keen explorer, having recently discovered the Lost Wine Cellar of City Hall. The Cellar, which was created by Ken Livingstone in the early 15th century, contains hundreds of bottle of rare wine. Upon discovering the stash, Johnson exclaimed "Cripes! Looks like that Livingbone chap left a few Panda-Pops behind!" Boris then drank seventeen bottles of what he believed to be Panda-Pops, before announcing "Golly, those taste a bit iffy old bean". He proceeded to to his desk and set to work as the effects of the alcohol took hold. This is possibly the reason behind a law being passed which made it illegal to be sober on public transport, although sources close to the Mayor suggest that this has been one of his policies for a while now. They backed up these claims when they showed reporters Boris's scrapbook, which had a photocopy of the Bill under the heading 'The Law What I Wrote, By Boris Johnson, aged 45 and a half'
Boris is also the editor/writer/star of the political magazine, ‘The Beano’. In 2004 it was alleged that Boris was having a passionate affair with a rival magazine writer-star, Desperate Dan. Evidently, very desperate. When accused by the press, Boris unsuccessfully attempted to enter his home, the aforementioned shoe, but was unable as he lacked the intelligence to open the door. Boris strongly denies having a child with Dan, and the appearance of a creature with a ridiculously large amount of blond hair and an incredibly chiseled jaw was simply a coincidence and said that “it’s a conceit”.
Boris's policies, or 'Boricies' are as follows:
- Banning policies
- A free party hat and a Kellogg's Cornflake kazoo for all
- Bendy Buses
- Stopping people drinking on the tube, even though no-one actually ever did.
- Only those who remember to go to school have to
- Bendy Buses
- "Policies?" What are they? Do you have a....you know, a thing that tells you what things mean? Ah that's the chap, a dictionary. Now then, policy, pol-i-cy. Doesn't this have any pictures?"
- Eternal damnation for those self-pitying scoundrels from Liverpool
- Bendy Buses
- People in Papua New Guinea are all full on missionaries! I read it once in a jolly good recipe book...now where did I put it?...
- Bendy Buses
- Putting gals across the handlebars of his bike and giving them a jolly good seeing to
- Bendy Buses
- More jobs for Boris
- Thrashing the oiks
- Bendy Buses
- Boris Buses
- Bendy Boris Buses
- Bendy Boris' Bender Buses
- Just general buses, really
- Anyone caught snickering about his hair will given a stern talking to, oh yes indeed
- Free copies of the Daily Mail for everyone
- A permanent ban on boiled eggs.
- Crikey! Golly! Erm, what say you old chap?
- More Bendy buses
- Free prostate examinations (for people called Boris Johnson).
- Dope, guns, and f***ing (yes, that's fishing) in the street
- A parade of buses, each one more bendy than the last. Huzzah!
- Bring back wagon wheels
- More policies for the under 5's
- Replace the pigeons in Trafalgar square with pheasants.
- Bendy Buses
- Something vaguely serious about crime
- Lots of Boris-love for everyone
- Bendy Buses
- Painting lots of things blue
- Chicken McNuggets
- What the devil's the sudden obession with these bendy buses?
- Prison uniforms to be made of tweed
- Statue of Mr Toad outside Whitehall
- No more bendy buses! Instead let's introduce the flexible omnibus!
- No more hair gel, it ruins the fluffy effect!
- After reviewing the evidence brought forward to him in ITV's Flood he is going to pick up the Thames Barrier, put it on top of a roof rack strategically placed atop a bendy bus, drive further down the river and put it there. Thus saving London from a terrible flood that is 99% CGI.
- Adultery for all.
- Teach yobs Greek and Latin, that way they won't stab each other like what happened to Julius Caesar. Whoops!
- Bendy Buses?
- Yes, Bendy Buses
- Hermaphrodites must wear grey overalls on said buses
- Hating teenagers and black people
- A final showdown with The Terminator
- Bendy Toy Buses
- Bendy dinosaurs
- Bringing Whiff Waff home (on a bendy bus).
In something which has come to be known as the "Great Boris Paradox", Boris Johnson is the only active Tory who does not disgust and inspire hatred from everyone on earth. This, it has been speculated, cannot actually be possible. Therefore proving that nothing is actually real.
- Monkeys At The Zoo 1972
- Should've Been An Albino 1999
- Why Everyone Is Secretly Racist 2001
- Smackdown 2006
- It Shouldn't Happen to the Tory MP of Henley-upon-Thames 2006
- Boris was in fact first choice to play Bond in Casino Royale but had to turn the role down due to schedule clashing.
- How Slobodan Milosevic Got His Groove Back
A few minutes before midnight on the evening of 2 May 2008, Boris Johnson was confirmed as having won the London Mayoral election, beating Reverend Kenneth Livingstone, 2nd Earl of Winchester with a hefty landslide majority. This has since been declared a fraudulent outcome because people want to continue getting pissed on the Tube, scaring away all the tourists.
Following his (now annulled) victory, London promptly sank into the sea. No-one was quite sure how this happened, but most people believe the theory that somehow Boris either 'lost' the Thames Barrier or just 'broke' London. Many people commented at the time that "London could do with a wash".
It is the year 2027, and Boris is lying on his deathbead in the last throws of congenital syphilis.....the devil comes for his soul (he is,after all, a Tory MP). The devil says "I've come to take you to Hell!" - "What!" says Boris, terrified..."Crikey!, what did you say?" .... "TO HELL!", shouts the Devil..... "Oh, what a relief" replies Boris -"for a terrible moment I thought you said HULL!"
Boris Johnson won the role of "The Doctor" the the latest incarnation of Doctor Who, but he unfortunately became pre-occupied by a squirrel who appeared to be having sex with a large swan. It is unclear if he will return to the role, but an emergency meeting of the UN to discuss the matter has given him the firm support of the US and several key European players, though France remains opposed, believing that John Prescott is far more capable in this role.
Boris also recently announced plans to run for Mayor of Liverpool at the same time as running for mayor of London, saying "I....I...I..Believe, that, er..the thieving scumbags of Liverpool could use a man like me to...er....to bring Britain back from this torrent of New Labour....and my drug....what's my policy on drugs again?" Despite this speech being well-received by most of Britain, Boris still lacks by 10% in a recent opinion poll placing him against dead comic Tommy Cooper.
When the new London 2012 Olympics logo was unveiled, some politicians complained that it looked like Boris Johnson's hair. Boris replied with "You can say what you want about my hairstyle but at least it has not yet induced epilepsy. And it cost considerably less than £400,000 to design." Also, Boris' hair is blond, not bright pink like the completely fucktarded Olympics logo that looks like Lisa Simpson giving head. How do you like them apples?
In a bid to reverse climate change, Johnson recently unveiled plans to cut off locks of his hair and exploit it's natural luminessence by using it to light up central Kingston Upon Hull at night, thus cutting the city's carbon footprint by an estimated 5127.4%. Boris also regularly donates locks of hair to the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Baldies).
Occasionally, Barnaby, as the hair had been named, manages to free itself from Johnson's scalp and run amok in Liverpool, enraging locals. In an attempt to tame Barnaby, L'Oréal have offered him £100,000,000 to star in their next advert.
Have I Got News For You
Boris Johnson has appeared on the satirical TV show "Have I Got News For You" as a guest host 218 borizillion times. He always spends the entire show getting all the questions muddled up and then saying to the camera, "Oh I say, I forgot to comb my hair, I'm such a twit but don't you love me?"
He lost a Mastermind spoof on one memorable episode, ending up with zero points and was incapable of answering the question put forward by Angus Deayton: "what is your full name?". Although he made up for this by receiving a mobile phone call in that same episode, the first guest to have received a phone call at that time and to this day.
Famously in 1972 he hosted an episode which took 6 months and 2 days to film, due to the constant need to do retakes. It cost the BBC £123,200 to make this one episode as they needed to put the audience up in hotel rooms.