Boretal Kombat

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Boretal Kombat

Title screen shot... how fucking boring!

Boretal Kombat is a fighting game (later a series) by a famous company called Midway (a company that usually puts a mild amount of effort into their games). The game was made by programmers who in an attempt to amuse themselves, decided to make a game that contained a lame story, and a shitload of violence. Why, you may ask did they decide on this? Because they were bored out of their fucking minds, that's why!. The game focuses on a large number of bored people fighting one another in a tournament of death, merely to ease their boredom. Somehow the game has gotten to be so popular that it has had many sequels and even movies at the box office (none of which won any awards, and no where near as many sequels as Street Fucker II).

Gameplay

Screenshot B

A screenshot of a battle that has just started.

The gameplay for each game is a simply fighting game where two players must beat the crap out of each other. When a battle starts, the first thing that the players must do is wake their characters up by pressing as many buttons as possible. Certain characters will wake up faster than others and some will not wake up at all (most characters are like this). The game will also chew the players out depending on how fast they get their characters up and running, usually with insults involving extreme swear words and political references. Each game also features lots of blood and guts because the developers were bored when making the games and decided to stick in as much blood as possible. However none of the developers ever considered that amount of blood that is actually in a human body. Blood flies off opponents with simply punchs, kicks and throws (making lots of unrealistic violence). After health has reached a certain amount, the game literally commands a player to finish his opponent so they can see all the blood in his body squirt out. Then after the opponent is defeated, he is dropped down a deep pit and lands on some spikes and players will see a very unnecessary bloody scene. It is usually asked why the players are thrown down a deep pit, to which the developers say that the game is stationed in Sparta.

Characters

The characters are the ones that the players will play as (duh). All the characters are bored and have to be woken up before fighting. There are a large number of characters who cover their eyes so that their opponents cannot see their closed, sleeping eyes (a perfect disguise). Each character has their own fatality that they can use on their opponents to allow players to both defeat them and see more blood.

Villians

Fatal

Shou Kahn using his fatality.

Shou Kahn- The ultimate antagonist of the games (at least that's what he thinks), he loves to dress up in the most ridicules cosplay outfits while standing on a high ledges and preaching to the world about how great he is (even though nobody really cares). Shou Kahn is the so called mighty and powerful emperor who rules a strange parallel realm called Outworld, and he hates nothing more than hearing his name used in a William Shatner impersonation (everyone who does use it will meet death by his hands). Due to the fact that he is a spoiled and powerful jerk, he is bored of ruling Outworld and decides to amuse himself by taking over a realm called the Earthrealm. However despite being the all powerful lord of Outworld he cannot enter the Earthrealm without winning ten tournaments of Boretal Kombat, a tournament where bored people fight each other until they die. Fortunately for him, there are lots of bored people on earth and therefore they enter this tournament on their own free will. Shou Kahn's plan nearly succeeds until the events of the first game picks up and Liu Kang defeats his forces. After the first game, Khan finally shows up to make sure that Shang Tsung actually succeeds this time, only to witness his servant lose again. After suffering from another defeat, Kahn then loses all patients and somehow uses his powers to enter the Earthrealm anyway, then he uses his mystical powers to slowly merge the two realms together over the course of an entire week (yeah... it takes that long). This gives the heroes time to locate his lair and face him in Boretal Kombat. Shou Kahn then faces Liu Kang in Boretal Komabt rather than using his mystical powers to simply kill him. He is then defeated and banished back to his own realm where he mopes about failing at his perfectly laid out plan. This would have been the end of Kahn, but then sequels for the game came out and he returned again and again to take over the Earthrealm (though he never succeeds). Shou Kahn's fatality is Magical Whacking Tool, where he pulls a random weapon out of midair and hits his opponent in the crotch and then the head (oh and the head comes clean off).

Shang Tsung- Shou Kahn's sorcerer servant who runs the tournament because Kahn is too lazy to do it himslef. Shang Tsung is happy to serve in the tournament because he is bored of rotting away and only using his magic to watch terrible shows on cable. Shang Tsung knows many forms of using magic, but unfortunately for him he also must consume souls to keep his health and youth up, and unfortunately for him, he can't consume souls from the Outworld due to the fact that his master loves to boss people around. Years before the game events started, he pissed off Liu Kang years after he killed his brother in a previous tournament. Shang Tsung is skilled at killing people and then consuming their souls so they cannot go to Heaven. He eventually faces Liu Kang in the tournament and loses. He later faces Liu Kang again another tournament and loses. Then he faces him a good amount more of times and still never wins, earning himself the title "Eternal Loser" (though he lost the title after his supposedly superior master took many defeats from Liu Kang himself). Shang Tsung's fatality is Death From Within (the name has nothing to do with the attack) where he grabs an opponent and absorbs their soul, when this happens the character's data is completely erased from the game. So pretty much if use this fatality once on every character in the game, there's really no point to playing it anymore, however by the time you have done this the game's warranty has expired so you can't get your money back (sucker).

Shinnok- A villain who shows up to oppose the heroes whenever Shang Tsung or Shou Kahn are out doing their personal stuff. Shinnok always wanted to rule the Earthrealm because he thought that it was far superior to the Outworld (little did he suspect the truth). His plan however failed and through a series of strange and complicated events, he took over the Netherrealm. Despite the fact that the Netherrealm was large and full of powerful demons, he grew bored of it and went back to trying to take over the Earthrealm. He sent spies and other such warriors to aid in his quest, but despite all of his work he was beaten by Liu Kang and banished back to the Netherrealm by Raiden (therefore making his carefully laid out plan a complete waste of time). His fatality is Hooray, where he summons two giant hands to clap his opponent to death (it's really stupid).

Reptile- A lizard who is bored with eating bugs and so he took up a careers as a ninja. He winds up getting beaten up by everyone he meets. Reptile's fatality is Bite My Head Off, where he literally bites someone's head off. The only problem is he can't always tell whose head he's biting off, he sometimes even bites his own head off.

Kano- The rejected version of the terminator from the Terminator movies. He has a metal eye on his face that everyone finds creepy. He is the leader of a global criminal organization that Sonya Blade is trying to bring down. However despite ruling the organization, he gets bored of bossing everyone around. He somehow managed to get into Outworld and Shang Tsung hired him for the tournament, but later regretted his decision when Kano kept taking about how powerful he was (and wouldn't shut up). It was here that he once again encountered Sonya Blade, he mocked her in battle until she kicked his ass (Shang Tsung was happy). Kano's fatality is Your Heart Belongs to Me, where he rips out an opponent's heart with his unwashed hands.

Ernie the Giant Chicken- Ruler of the Chicken Empire who is bored of his own boredom. He launches an attack on the Earthrealm to amuse himself and finally eliminate the chubby warrior he wishes to defeat. Unfortunately for him, he runs into the defenders of the Earthrealm and is defeated by Johnny Cage (oh the humiliation). He is a skilled fighter who has fought many opponents prior to the game, mostly in Rhode Island. His fatality is Pecking Order, where he pecks out an opponent's brain with his Beak of Doom.

Heroes

BATTLE

Liu Kang's famous battle with Shou Kahn

Liu Kang- The so called "hero" of the games who gets way too many fights in each game. Liu Kang is actually a chinese monk who is bored with putting up with all of his fellow monks and their morals. He always wanted to be a warrior after he saw the movie, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. He enters the tournament when he learns that Shang Tsung is in it, and wants to avenge the loss of his brother. He didn't however know that after he beat Shang Tsung, he would attract the attention of Shou Kahn. Then after he beat Shou Kahn he attracted the attention of Shinnok, and then next thing you know he's stuck fighting evil for the rest of his life. He is actually in love with Princess Kitana, but doesn't want to start a relationship because his jacked up code of good deeds says that heroes don't have girlfriends. He at one point was killed by Shang Tsung (somehow), but revived himself as a zombie for a game or two. Then wound up becoming human again and kicking the crap out of Shang Tsung again. Despite being the main character his fatality is the most pathetic in the series. His fatality is Wimp, where he transforms himself into a puddle... and stays like that for the remainder of the battle (wow...)

Johnny Cage- A Hollywood actor who is bored of making horrible movies like Prom Night and Resident Evil: Extinction. He gained his abilities while he was training with ancient martial art masters to prepare for a movie role, although the masters thought he was really training to be a warrior and didn't know that it was only for a movie. The result was they accidently created ann actor armed with some of the deadliest moves known to man. He accidently used these moves in his movies and put many people in the hospital. He enters the tournament thinking it was for a movie, not knowing that it was a real fighting tournament of death. He is apparently the comic relief of the fighters and doesn't take anything seriously, leading all of his allies to find him annoying. He actually gets himself killed many times during the games, then somehow gets himself un-killed. Johnny Cage's fatality is Law Defying Logic, where he defies all the rules of reality and transforms into Kagaroo Jack and kicks his opponent out of the ring (what the hell?).

Sonya Blade- The blond chick who has the incredible ability to kick the crap out of all guys within twenty seconds. She is bored of always having to put up with her pathetic team of cops who cannot catch one simple criminal named Kano. Everyone has a crush on her in the games (even Shang Tsung) and as a result she finds some really easy victories in every tournament of every game. Despite all of her popularity, she is too distracted by her obsession about beating Kano to notice. Sonya has some anger management problems and isn't shy to kick the crap out of everyone who makes her mad. So it's wise not to make her mad, especially when her eyes turn green and she starts to grow. Sonya's fatality is actually accepted by all of her opponents that receive it. Her fatality is known as Sexy Legs of Doom, where she grabs an opponent with her legs and breaks their neck, giving them a happy death.

Kitana- The Princess of Outworld who is also Shou Kahn's step daughter, she is bored listening to her step father preach to the world with his annoying voice. As a result, she sides with Liu Kang and the others simply so that she can finally shut him up for good. She is young, thin, loves skimpy clothes and really, really hot. Despite looking hot, she is actually over 10,000 years old, something that shocks everyone she meets. She actually has a romantic history with Liu Kang, but the two never start a romatic relationship because Liu Kang's code doesn't allow himself to have one (leading everyone to call him a douche). Kitana fights in a style known as The Fan Service Style, wearing skimpy clothes in battle and fighting with giant fans. Kitana's fatality is known as Rejected Fan Service, where she stuns her opponent with a sexy pose and then slices their head off with a fan, leading their decapitated head to fly off with a smile.

Jax- A Samuel L. Jackson clone who uses robotic steroids to make himself incredibly strong. He is Sonya's partner and is bored of leading a squadron of special ops officers who can't do anything (like catch Kano). He doesn't believe in natural strength and uses all kinds of technology to pump himself up to stand up to evil. He pretty much doesn't really start to help the team until Shao Kahn makes his attack on the Earthrealm. Jax aids the team by destroying all of Kahn's minions who are made out of lame special effects and graphics. His fatality is Oops, where he tries to paralyze his opponent but accidently breaks the opponent (in half). He actually doesn't mean to break them in half, it's his technology enhanced strength. He tries to fix this problem in each game, but never makes any progress.

Raiden- The all mighty master of lighting who is supposed to be keeping the Earthrealm safe. However despite his job to protect earth, he grew bored of it and therefore Shou Kahn and his forces were able to start a deadly tournament on earth. Even though Raiden has the power of lighting on his side and therefore can just kill Shou Kahn, he still chooses Liu Kang, Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade to enter the tournament and face the enemies head on. Raiden pretty much stands on the side lines until he thinks it's appropriate to jump in (and even then he doesn't do much). His fatality is Pump My Body, where he summons all the lighting he can and pumps it into his opponent until they explode in a beautiful explosion of guts and lighting.

Possible Heroes

Scorpion- The only character who is not actually bored. He actually was on his way to Albakerky to get the spear in his arm removed, but he got the wrong directions and wound up in the tournament. He is a ninja who wears yellow, the most easily spottable color in the world. He fights opponents using the spear he was trying to remove, now he doesn't want to get it removed because it brings him so much joy. Scorpion is usually cast as a villain, but is sometimes a neutral person for unexplained reasons. He is well known for talking in a deep voice and telling his opponent to "Get over to here." It's later revealed that when Scorpion removes his mask, he has the face of Ghost Rider. Scorpion's fatality is Now You Know Why I'm Called Scorpion, where he turns into a giant clearly fake scorpion and stabs his opponent with his big ass tail.

Sub-Zero- A ninja who attends Xavier's School for Mutants so that he can learn to control his incredible powers over ice. He is bored with all of his assignments and wants to use his powers in combat (don't we all). Sub-Zero is an evil ninja, but he has a younger brother named Sub-Zero who is good. It's confusing to tell the difference between the two, so Sub-Zero is cast as a anti-hero. Sub-Zero's fatality is known as Here Comes Santa Claus, where he creates a large ice sculpture of Santa on a sled and slams it into an opponent (squishing them flat).

There are actually a lot more characters than this, but if you took the time to read about them and memorize their stories... you'd suffer from an extreme case of brain cancer.

Types of Characters

The game series characters are all divided down into certain classes because it's cooler that way.

Glasses men

The characters who wear eye coverings so that you can't see their sleeping eyes.

Ninjas S

The characters who will wake you up while they slowly decapitate you.

Warrior W

The characters that will wake you up... as... they... kick the crap out of you.

Nature

The characters who will wake you up by frying you with supernatural powers (so it'd be wise to not get bored).

Power

The characters who will wake you up while they clobber the crap out of you (Liu Kang here speaks from experience).

Dorks

The characters who you will get bored of because they are so dorky (seriously why is there a goat man in this series?).

Game Over

The characters who will see the most while playing the games.

Producers

The characters who are sponsoring the violent tournaments.

Reception

Due to the fact that there weren't very many good video games back in the early 90's and there were a lot of bored people, the game was very successful. Many people praised the game for it's constant use of blood and extreme violence (these people were deemed completely psychotic). There was however much controversy (mainly from parents) about the nature of the game, as it was all about deadly combat. In an attempt to calm this purists, Midway added many stupid attacks like Friendship in future games. These changes met some criticism, but remained stuck in the game to avoid complaints from parents (since the pictures of giant middle fingers weren't working). The games became so popular that in an attempt to make more money, the developers decided to make the games into movies. The first movie turned out to be a success, though critics refused to call it a good movie due to their morals. The second movie was made by a new director who hated Boretal Kombat and didn't even bother to gather the original cast and purposely filled it with horrible effects and a lame story. The film was not successful and some fans even ran out of the theatre screaming that it was the end of the world (a few others lit themselves on fire and ran out). The movie pretty much devastated the entire franchise until Boretal Kombat: The Return of the Chicken Empire restarted interest in the franchise.

See Also

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