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“My disciples were so not in this state when listening to my shit.”
Boredom shock is the newly discovered 5th form of shock. Boredom shock is the increased capillary permeability and vasodilation that occurs during extreme boredom. The PSA is useless for assessing boredom shock. Currently, the only method of assessing boredom shock is the BSA or Boredom Status Assessment.
edit Signs and Symptoms of Boredom Shock
- Bradycardiac (<50 bpm)
- Generally, the patient will be hypertensive, but not always present.
- The patient will be lethargic, and in extreme cases, the patient may be asleep.
- Skin will be pink and warm.
- Pupils dilated and unresponsive or greatly aggravated in presence of light.
- In irreversible boredom shock, the patient will exhibit rigor mortis.
- Patient may wish for a fast and painless death. Or even a slow and painful one, depending on whether it's another one of those damn meetings on team efficiency.
- Bradyponea (6-8 breaths per minute)
- GCS <13
- Patient will be agitated, shifting uncontrollably.
- Characterised by acute periods of extreme interest in trivial factors, such as an intimate and unbreakable attention to the roof tiles.
edit Boredom Status Assessment
edit Stages of boredom shockCompensation stage
- In this stage, the patient is able to maintain adequate blood flow to the brain, despite the lack of anything interesting occurring around them. In this stage, the patient may take great interest in any inconsequential item near them. This stage is usually characterized by loss of attention and a blank look on the patient's face.
- In this stage, the patient is unable to maintain adequate blood flow to the brain. As a result of this blood pressure drops, heart rate drops, and the patient will be in an altered state of conciousness and will be moving uncontrollably. These are the key characteristics of this stage. Only immediate intervention will prevent the patient from moving into the irreversable stage.
- In this stage, the patient will be asleep and drooling uncontrollably (key characteristics). The patient will be unable to regain attention for the rest of the day and may suffer a relapse if placed in the same situation again.
- Alternatively, the victim may suffer permanent boredom shock, in which the only known cure is to leave them to prolonged exposure to many cartoons, and other fun items that the patient may enjoy. If possible, place them on a trampoline and slowly bounce around (yes, even jump slowly, as slowness makes people much happier.) A person sitting next to a patient may become a victim too, so please eliminate the threat before it becomes viral.
edit Other Forms of Treatment
- If pulse <50 and systolic blood pressure <100mmHg or the patient is in an altered state of consciousness, immediately administer caffeine solution 20ml/kg IV (maximum of 3 liters).
- Reassess Pulse, blood pressure and conscious state; if there is a decrease in any of these, insert a second access line and administer caffeine solution 20ml/kg again (maximum of 3 liters per access point).
edit If All Else Fails ...
- Whip repeatedly in a kinky fashion in hope to bring around sexual activity in the lower region and therefore lose all traces of boredom.
- Administer a bullet to the forehead. It's okay, son. They're too far gone to be saved.