Borderlands

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Borderlands (video game).

Borderlands (2009) is a Co-operative Online First Person Shooting Gun Collecting Adventure Role-playing Game (all in one breath) widely accepted to be more highly associated with guns than any previously documented war, or any cellar belonging to Charlton Heston. Developed by Texas-based developers Gearbox Software, Borderlands took the world by storm due to its sheer number of guns.

edit Gameplay

Borderlands' gameplay is primarily based around instilling a desire within players to accumulate guns. Many, many guns. There is not much more that needs to be said for the gameplay - oh there are a few naughty people and their pets running around to use for target practice, and most of them have some fascination with either meat bicycles, or human leg steak - but really the main thing about Borderlands is just the guns.

edit Guns

Guns! Guns! Guns!

edit Characters

  • Brick - Brick is a creature that might pass for human in dim light, but on closer inspection could be an ogre, or a man-shaped tree. Brick has the unusual distinction of being less inclined to use just any old gun, instead preferring to use the biggest, baddest, or in Brick's words, "badassist," weapons he can get his hands on. That's assuming he bothers using weapons at all. As his brain is naturally equipped with a gland that secretes crystal meth in reaction to any problem more confrontational than "1 + 1," he can often be found turning bandits into lipstick with his fists, or head-butting creatures that would probably treat xenomorphs as a light snack.
  • Lilith - She's sexy, in a way completely unlike the manner in which she can make a man's rectum explode out through his face with her mind. That's because she's a Siren.
  • Mordecai - Mordecai perfectly fits every game's need to have a drunken hunter who uses a psychotic cockatiel for a weapon. His secondary weapon is his sharpshooting ability, which is so 1337 that he can use practically any gun to perform dentistry by navigating bullets up through a person's digestive tract.
  • Roland - A boy scout with penchant for firing assault rifles, and equipped with a personal sentry gun. Much can be said about boys with their toys, or the the bit on top of the sentry gun that looks like a sex toy, but it's called a Scorpio Turret (after some twit thought it would be funny to sand the "N" off and wound up being carried to hospital in a cup) and is about as friendly as a psychotic mongoose.

edit Development

Borderlands made waves before its release when someone in the art department started drawing black lines around things on screen, and team grand poobah Randal Pitchfork reacted by sloshing bathwater on the floor in orgasmazement(that's a word). With the new art direction locked in, and seventeen monitors in the dumpster out the back, Gearbox unveiled their master creation to the world. The orgasmic reactions of thousands of pubescent males rent a temporary hole in the fabric of space and time that shunted one Gearbox employee several hundred years into the past and left a goldfish briefly in charge of the NASA space program.

Following the resounding success of the strange lines appearing around the in-game artwork, Gearbox adopted a new strategy of actually coding the lines in as a feature to stem their rapidly ballooning monitor budget. They then followed this innovation with the development of the fourth playable character, Brick, when someone at Gearbox came up with the inspired answer to the question, "What happens if we create an embryo from the combined genetic codes of Chuck Norris and a Tyrannosaurus Rex, feed it anabolic steroids and growth hormones until it matures, and then punch it in the face?"

Finally Gearbox came up with a revolutionary marketing strategy of announcing how many guns they thought might potentially be in the game. They were wrong of course, but the hordes of gun collectors quickly looked past the false marketing ploy to see the shiny barrels, the self-replenishing bullets, and the results of the shiny barrels and regenerating bullets, to find forgiveness.

edit Reception

The reception is believed to have been a success, judging by players managing to utter a string of expletives and the word, "AWESOME!" as they rush past during toilet breaks.

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