Border Gavaskar Trophy
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The Border Gavaskar Trophy is a four Test match cricket series played twice in every four years between Australia and India in home and away contests occurring 9 to 10 months apart. During this time the Australian cricket team generally get quite homesick when playing in India and have to rely on Warnie's never ending stock of baked beans to see them through. It is named after the famous cricketer Border "Gavaskar" Trophy who played for Australia and then defected to India to pursue a career in Bollywood.
The series is usually a closely fought one, as Australia and India are the only two teams who know the rules of cricket.
The first test match between India and Australia was played in 1770 on an unknown expanse of land somewhere on the East coast of Australia just 2 days after Captain James Cook discovered the continent. James Cook was the captain of Aussie XI, which consisted of 1434 convicted handkerchief smugglers and 482465 convicted bread stealers. The Indian team consisted of 1,147,995,904 players (their approximate population) and was captained by Gandhi. The Australian team used 483899 players because the Duckworth-Lewis system in those days required the teams to be evenly matched in terms of strength and stamina. The game lasted several years as India won the toss and batted first, claiming victory after Australians got bored and went home.
edit The 1970s
Nobody knows what happened in the Australia v India matches during this time, because nobody lived to tell the tale. This primary reason for this is because so called 'fiery' contests between the two teams used to be so horribly boring that people would actually die from hypoxic exhaustion while waiting for about 35 to 40 hours for Chappell to complete a century. As a result the matches, usually ended in tame draws. In desperation to produce a result, the Indian and Australian cricket boards agreed to increase the number of test matches in a series from four to six. Even this move didn't have any effect till 1987 which was the time when Chappell retired.
edit The 1990s
The trophy continued to be a boring and sleepy affair until the arrival of Sachin Tendulkar and Steve Waugh. These two players would engage in staring contests for hours as the other players watched, enthralled. Spectator attendance in this time rose a whopping 0.003%
The 2001 edition of the trophy in India marked the arrival head chef Haydos. By avoiding the Indian food and eating only what he made himself, Haydos was able to avoid the food poisoning that had plagued Australian teams for years. Unfortunately as he was the only one to do so Australia still struggled and resorted to throwing up half eaten curries on the Indians to try and dismiss them. After this incident BCCI officials decided to give some money in charity to CRICKET AUSTRALIA so that the poor guys could afford to hire a chef.
To liven up the contest and attract more fans, it was decided that when a batsmen was dismissed the umpire would be loud enough to shoot him several times in the stomach. Things however petered out after the first couple of matches, as India had no surviving players left , and Australia had to resort to playing sub standard cricketers such as Michael Kasprowicz.
Steve "Iceman" Waugh retired without ever being able to freeze India in time, his "final frontier". Australia won this series however by employing Mr Freeze himself to entrap Indian star Tendulkar in a cage of ice. This was the first time a result had actually been decided.
This series was the most sexually charged and involved the most streakers in the history of this trophy.
In the first match the Aussie players thoroughly gang-banged the hapless Indian team. I can't describe what happened during the match because of its horribly graphic and hardcore XXX nature. All I can tell you is that Australia eventually won by 337 runs. Andrew Symonds began his streaker killing rampage on this day.
In the second match Australia went into this match with 14 players which included 11 regular players and 3 umpires. This match is also known for ICC's attempt to save some money in cricket. Unfortunately they forgot to tell India. The plan was to train Ricky Ponting as an umpire because his integrity cannot be questioned. So in subsequent matches ICC can hire only one Umpire. Also it was decided to train Andrew Symonds as a match referee who would make sure that players fight for more entertainment. Indian stuck to only 11 players (big mistake). For more details, see Judgement Day at Sydney test match in 2008.
The third test was most bloody of all. This time thankfully it was evenly matched. It was important for the Aussies. After nearly two years of samurai training, the Australian players thought that the time was ripe for them to commit hara-kiri. But they got it wrong Indians had 4 Years of training. And what followed is almost in-describable. The Australian team was mercilessy beaten. The action could be rated as hardcore XXXcess. The baggy green posse finally ended their 16 consecutive warlord kills. They lost the match by 720 runs. After the match Australians cried foul. "According to Duckworth-Lewis the teams should be evenly matched!" cried Ricky Ponting. The highlight of the match was Ishant Sharma duelling Ricky Ponting with a salmon for the entire first session on the 4th day before Ponting realised his fish allergy and passed out.
The repercussions of third match was seen in fourth. Both teams were extremely tired. As a result the fourth test reminded everybody of the old and gold days of Allan Border and Sunil Gavaskar, when the odds of a test match producing a result were 100 zillion to 1. The game went on so slowly that passing seagulls deliberately poked their own eyes out so they wouldn't have to watch.
edit 2008-2009 (India)
This cricket series was held in a third world country with visitors being a third rate team with third rate mentality. While the highlight of 2000-2001 series was chef Haydos's cooking skills this series is known for chef Haydos revolt against the team. "I ain't cooking" thundered Haydos "I need to get my form back!". This proclaimation seem to have depressed the team and was consequently responsible for slow over-rate. Some Australian cricketers also registered huge weight loss. To add insult to injury the Indian cricket team led by Dhoni bashed off the Aussies. It was reported that after this bashing the Australian cricketers thanked GOD because they won't be meeting India for next 4 years. Only Ricky Ponting was heard murmuring something else, "BCCI controls 80% cricket revenue, the rest is eaten by Cricket Australia, nothing comes to me I am literaly bankrupt paying all those fines!"
edit 2010-2011 (India)
Held in a festering cesspit of a third world country once again,the trip ended so badly for the Australians that the highlight was that Shane Watson managed a score that wasn't 80. The series was lost from the first test, where the Australians stole defeat from the jaws of victory where the 2nd most hated person by Australian cricket, VVS Laxman personally saw to securing the win. Alas this was aided by Michael Clarke's clone who had broken out of his cryotube and on to the field, took the pseudonym of "Steve Smith" and threw the ball at the ropes in such delight, gifting victory to the Indians.
Both teams headed into the first test with uneasiness, the Australians had been out done by 12 autistic men(See New Zealand Cricket for more info) in Hobart and succumbed to them in a close match in fear of backlash from the public. Meanwhile India had been thoroughly dissected and beaten by the
South African English team at the behest of world's most boring man Alastair Cook in a white wash which.
Australia batted in the first test in Melbourne,the
hopeless hack talented drinks holder Phil Hughes had been replaced by the world's most boring man runner up Ed Cowan, his 500 hour vigilance resulting in 5 runs was the highlight of the innings and led to Australia's victory on the 4th day
The second test was nothing short of humiliation for India. After being bowled out for 4 leg byes the Indians were laid to waste by a surprise contender for worlds most boring man. Michael Clarke made every effort in his 329 to bore the crowd to death, alas his strike rate was too high and only scarce amounts of people hung themselves in the stands. Another highlight was that Ricky Ponting finally discovered that a bat had two sides and scored his first century in a millennia with such glee that the crowd were intimidated into leaving for the remainder of the day. Australia ended up winning the test by a great margin, later after the victory it was reported that the entire Bullying Cricket Committee from India(BCCI) had committed Seppuku in light of the defeat.
Tension boiled during the Third test at
The goatf**k of a wasteland exceptionally beautiful surrounds of Perth. Indian fast bowler Ishant Sharma Kermit the Frog got into a heated debate with David Warner mid pitch, the crowd began the death chant of "That's just not cricket" until the whole farce exploded, several members of the crowd raided the pitch and beat the hapless bowler to death with an amalgamation of didgeridoos and rocks, several boomerangs were thrown at the players killing 3 Indians. The ground staff were helpless as the 3 Indians were taken off the field for what Australians might call "Bush Tucker". The match in light of the bad weather conditions was abandoned and declared a victory for Australia on points of most players not residing in the afterlife. Indian Captain MS Dhoni later voiced disappointment with the crowd saying "If the BCCI were still alive you would all be hung" As a result of this comment Perth locals raided the team hotel after the match and forced their way into the player rooms and butchered Dhoni reportedly on the basis that his comments were "Just not cricket"
The Fourth test was but the icing on the cake for the Australians. With 4 Indian players suffering from being dead confidence was high. Indian opener Virender Sehwag became Captain and personally made sure his team lost in good fashion. Ricky Ponting personally made the Indian defeat quick, as he walked out on to the field to bat in the first innings, the crowd not wanting to risk another gleeful look from the former captain raided the field and dragged him from the pitch, the scorers working in accordance giving him the score of 9000 runs to satisfy his modest appetite. The test was over in a few days and the scoreline 4-0 in favour of the Australians.
Post series Michael Clarke stated "It was good" to which Virender Sehwag countered with something that was no doubt serious but sounded hilarious in Indian and thus was received by raucous and subtly racial laughter from the press, the icing on the already disastrous tour for the Indian party.
Pre-series the odds were universally in favor of India, punters believed the BCCI's ability to be able to lift in different pitches via helicopter between innings and their odd ability to only win on home soil would give them the advantage. Both teams entered the arena with mixed results, India had it's sphincter torn out and cockslammed by Alastair Cook and his boring 11, and Australia had been massacred by the British Republic of South Africa. Both teams had also been hit by retirements with Rahul "Gaping Anus" Dravid and, VVS "Very Very Shit" Laxman affecting India. Ricky Ponting had also decided to retire to commit himself to a life of polygamous incest and to bolster the Tasmanian population, Michael Hussey had also decided to go AWOL as he had reached God Tier and saw no need to associate himself CA any longer.
The First Test arrived in due time, Australia went into bat and provided a typical performance, Ed Cowan's attempt to be interesting and Phil Hughes's attempt to think like a bat both ended in miserable failure. Shane Watson missed out by 2 runs on what would have been a magnificent 30 and David Warner's attempt to use his brain proved to be impossible for long periods. Alas it was down to Michael Clarke to carry the team on his back once again with help with new Italian import Moises Henriques who in Italian fashion surrendered on 68 whilst Clarke carried on to be out for 130. Whilst James Pattinson collected a 5 wicket haul in the Indian innings, it was a disaster. MS Dhoni who had recently been subject to necromancy and revived used his dark talents to slay the Australians with help from Virat Kohli. From there victory had been stolen, Australia coaxed their own snafu in the 2nd innings and despite the Italian and Clarke attempting to resist, India clinched victory decisively.
The Second Test saw Australia bring in Glenn "Almost-as-stupid-as-warner" Maxwell and Xavier "Almost Professor X" Doherty into the squad, alas the result was the same. India once again feasted on the woes of Australian batting, the entire batting order bar Clarke and Matthew Wade, who had a fractured cheekbone from the previous match in which MS Dhoni had reportedly forced his cock down his throat when Wade claimed Dhoni was incapable of "Balls Deep Thinking" Cheteshwar "Almost Dravid" Pujara and Murali "Almost Sehwag" Vijay then proceeded to tie things up and raped Australia's attack so hard that Doherty was seen scratching his fingernails off on a mural of Sachin Tendulkar whilst chanting "That's just not Cricket" Australia ended up being beaten again comprehensively.
The Third Test was a controversy for Australia. Shane Watson, Usman Khawaja, James Pattinson and Mitch Johnson had been evicted from playing the game as they failed to complete homework from coach Mickey Arthur who had asked them to write "I am a complete and utter faggot and I like to suck Mickey's dick so hard" This being the case Clarke and Arthur decided to evict them for not admitting to faggotry. Instead the test saw Steve "Better than Bradman" Smith brought in, and he shamed the Australians in the first innings with Mitch Starc where they both scored 90s in addition to the openers making a brief start. But defeat was inevitable, new Indian player Shikhar Dhawan invited Australia into his changeroom for the Indian innings, reports say the Australians upon arriving were captivated by his moustache which began commanding orders to the hapless Australians and that they formed a congo line to suck his moustache wielding cock one by one. In light of this the BCCI bribed the officials into declaring the test a victory for Dhawan.
The Fourth Test was abandoned before it began. Michael Clarke had been ruled out with a bad back due to his carrying of the team through the last 2 years. The Australians were then ambushed in the Delhi streets 2 days before the match a mass of Delhi locals armed with RPGs and military equipment. Delhi paid the price of Hubris and the entire city was annihilated by the 18 man Australian Squad, who claimed in self defence that "That just wasn't cricket"
Preparations for the series for the Australians were hit by the loss of Phillip Hughes, who was invited to an eternal game of Cricket by the ghost of Don Bradman and took the offer. While true Australians across the nation understood the decision, there was outpouring of grief when it was revealed Shaun Marsh would be his replacement.
The First Test ended up being one of the closest contests in the history of the trophy. Australia won the toss and elected to bat and in a controversial innings Warner, Smith and Clarke all hit hundreds, the latter in Clarke hitting an eyebrow raising quintuple century. Controversy arose in the early stages of the innings when Warner was bowled off a no ball and returned to the crease to beat the Indian bowler who had given him a send off chanting "That's just not Cricket" Further controversy was attracted by Clarke, who was no longer bowling in a wheelchair but a mechanical exoskeleton holding him together which allowed extraordinary power into his strokes and lightning reflexes. Indian captain Virat Kohli lodged a formal complaint once Clarke had breached 150 but was allegedly told by umpire Marais Erasmus to "F**k off curry mongrel". In response a stellar counter attack ensued from the Indians in which Kohli hit two tons but the team lost by an innings and 650 runs. The closest match between the two teams on Australian soil in the history of the trophy.
The Second Test saw Steven Smith become Test captain after Clarke's mechanical exoskeleton was mysteriously sabotaged, preventing his participation. India batted first and made a commendable total of 156 after a 10 wicket haul by debutant Josh Hazlewood. The innings was notable for a century from Vijay and for the extreme heat that faced the fielding team, resulting in Mitchell Starc pretending to faint in order to be wheeled off the ground and escape, much to the disgust of the large Brisbane crowd of about 15 people and Shane Warne. In response, Smith and Johnson proceeded to plunder runs off the Indians, Smith hitting his first century as captain to result in a total of 505. Disaster then struck for India on the 4th morning, when the Brisbane ground staff under orders from Cricket Australia, tampered with the practice wickets resulting in Shikhar Dhawan receiving a grazed pinky and Virat Kohli's hair losing it's shape resulting in a psychotic breakdown. Demoralized, the Indian team collapsed to the Australian bowling, the last wicket pair of Sharma and Yadav were at one point on their knees begging for mercy at the end of the day to no avail as Australia won by an innings once again.
The Third Test was the most boring event ever to have graced the planet in some years much to the disgust of the swelling ground of Melbournites totaling 26 for the entire five days. Steven Smith once again in the first innings scored a ton with contributions down the order. In response the Indians, still furious about the Gabba fiasco, refused to bat at a strike rate of more than 10. Centuries from Kohli and Rahane after being dropped 6 times each highlighted the slow innings that almost came undone when debutant KL Rahul came out to bat and attempted to score at a strike rate of 15. He was eventually caught on 3 after attempting to hit a ball right at an Australian fielder, clearly forgetting that whilst no Indian would have caught it, a white man would easily do it. Shaun Marsh then put Australians everywhere on suicide watch by almost cementing his place with a century, but on 99 was sold down the river for a run out by the people's hero Nathan Lyon, who received man of the match for his efforts. The match ended in a draw after MS Dhoni blocked the last few deliveries. However, once play was called, the Melbourne crowd, angry with the actions of the Indian team stormed the pitch where MS Dhoni was beaten, had a KFC bucket propped upon his head and was tied to the toe bar of a ute and driven away to chants of "That's just not cricket" from the angry crowd of 15 in attendance. His body is yet to be found.
The Fourth Test was the second most boring event ever to have graced the planet in some years. Australia batted first and once again manhandled a quickly deteriorating Indian attack, the top 6 all hitting scores of 50 plus with hundreds to Warner and Smith. The Indians in response to this total and to the murder of MS Dhoni the previous week now refused to strike at a rate of more than 5. This worked well as the Indians blocked out two days in which KL Rahul and Vijay hit centuries, one of the days including Jane McGrath day in which the ritual of all 250kg of Shane Watson being hauled around the boundary to be abused for being the cancer responsible for the death of McGrath and cricket was completed. The last day saw some entertainment as the Australians tried hit every ball they received for six as repayment to the bored SCG crowd, Joe Burns in particular hit 15 sixes in a row as he delivered one last humiliation to India. The match was subsequently drawn and the trophy handed over to the Australians. Steven Smith later courted controversy, stating at his press conference "It was really expected (this result), if we were playing a game of 'Who smells like a pile of f*cking sh*t' the Indians might actually win something overseas" Indian reaction at home was furious. Delhi and Mumbai burned for 7 nights from rioting crowds and the BCCI once again committed a mass suicide to avoid the shame of seeing the aftermath of another humiliating defeat.
The next cricket series between the two teams is expected around 10000624 A.D . This is actually the required time for Cheat Australia (C.A) to match Bullying Cricket Committee from India's (BCCI)resources, according to economist. This would eventually ensure evenly matched teams. Helping Cheat Australia is prediction that in near future Indians may just get bored of the game and invest their energies in other sports. Their favourite opponent ofcourse would be Australia. Whether India beats Australia or Australia beats India,the games according to sports pundits would be highly competitive. So all those who are great fans of this rivarly can check out other sports pages of Uncyclopedia. And in case you are alive in 10000624 A.D you know where you have to log on for most accurate and updated facts. P.S: The figure 10000624 is a date and not population of India, you see we at Uncyclopedia are very particular about our facts.
edit See also
- Judgement Day at Sydney Test Match in 2008
- Famous cricketers
- Australian Cricket team
- Age of Umpires
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