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Oprah Winfrey, with several of her Sheezy Shooz visible.
Full title Pneumbrastic shostate-minules
What the hell is it? A unit of measurement
What the hell could I use it for? Measuring shoes.
Is it dangerous? Only if you set it on fire
Why would I set it on fire? I don't know.

The shoe is a popular article of clothing, worn to protect the sock. The sock is much more important than the foot, as a foot cannot be brightly colored or interestingly patterned, unless badly bruised by an elaborate piece of metalwork. The use of shoes often prevents injury to the sock by such common dangers such as pebbles, rocks, gravel, cobbles, stones, sharp sand particles and marmosets. It is also considered stylish to wear the shoe atop the head or on an elbow, although experts disagree on the level of protection the shoe still provides to the feet when worn in such a manner.

Some people feel that confining the foot in a small, poorly-ventilated space so small it often can't turn around is cruel. It is for this reason that it is said that shoes, along with math and avocados, are the work of the devil, and my grandmother agrees.


Few people think of Holland when they think of shoes, but it was the Dutch that were truly pioneers in the field of shoe-making. Prior to the 1300's shoes were a rather expensive commodity, available to the upper class only. The high cost of production kept shoes at a high price and made them unavailable to many people. In the early 1500's, Dutch shoe-makers began to experiment with different means of production, when they stumbled upon a material that was cheap, yet strong and durable; wood. They began to manufacture these wooden shoes, which were later called clogs(named after Casper Clog, inventor of clogs). Even lower-class people were soon able to enjoy the luxury of protective, comfortable footwear. As the industrial age rolled on, shoes made of other materials were produced for even lower cost, rendering clogs obsolete. However, most agree that without the invention of clogs, interest in men would have faded and people would have adapted to a barefoot lifestyle.

Shoes today

Today, shoes are not only a unit of measurement and categorization, but are also used in other ways, such as brushing your teeth or talking to your best "buddies" while on the go. Although shoes today can be bought from stores, the number of shoes owned does not change number of shoes an organism or object has (i.e., 'to have shoes' as opposed to 'to own shoes'). An example:

Jane has two shoes, because she is human. Jane goes the store and buys seven shoes. She owns nine shoes now, but still only has two. Also, she is stupid because, who the hell buys nine shoes?

Shoes as weapons


An unidentified man illustrating one of the many other uses of the shoe.

Muslims view shoes as inherently disrespectful and many prefer to go barefoot. However, during the administration of George W. Bush, the Muslim world began to view shoes as a new weapon that would change the balance of world power. Shoes began being thrown, in a provocation to see how the West would react. During the Obama administration, Iran began racing toward development of a "Muslim shoe" with intercontinental capabilities. The United States negotiated a deal under which economic sanctions would be eased if Iran slowed its development of tactical shoelaces.

Shoes as footwear

The most popular use of the shoe is as a foot covering. Most shoes are made out of leather, as it gives the optimum balance of protection and flexibility. However, some of the shoes schedueled to release in year 2029 (the year the paralympics are held atop mount fiji due to global warming) are made of metal, and somewhat resemble a spoon to prevent the shoe from lighting on fire, or getting run over by lambs.

Sport shoes


Axl Rose and shoe, two of the founding members of Guns N' Roses

Some sadistic players of games such as AFL wear steel-capped boots, which can be painful when they connect with groins or heads of opposing players. Which, one supposes, is the entire point. In other sports, such as soccer and cricket, players attach spikes to the soles of their shoes, supposedly to aid the player's running, but in actuality to aid the chances of opposition players being staked through the heart.

Fashionable shoes

Any shoe that is absurdly high-heeled, pointy, and covered in glitter may be deemed fashionable, provided that the woman wearing them can actually stay upright while walking. Knee- or calf-high boots are an acceptable alternative, though they are more often called 'bitch boots' for reasons that seem to be connected to dominatrixes. Platform shoes were popular once, but that is, like, SO last season. Being, like, killed by falling off your shoes is SO uncool. And it's like impossible to drive in platforms! Seriously, you can never, like, reach the brakes, like and it's SO inconvenient!

See also

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