Bono
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“Hello? Hello!? I'm at a place called Vertigo!”
Darth Paul David Hewson OBE CBA, aka Bono, aka Boner (May 10 1899 - November 22 2004), was the founder and lead singer of the Irish acid jazz-funk fusion covers band U2, saviour of Mother Africa and Tyrant of Ireland. During his lifetime, Bono has also founded his own cult, and worked as a gigolo, IRA member, politician, terrorist, priest, mime artist and professional Jesus.
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[edit] Early life
Bono was born Paul David Hewson on the 10th May 1899, in Dublin, Ireland. However, he was not technically alive until 1960, due to being born stuck in a moment he couldn't get out of. His parents were Patrick Seamus Hewson, a farmer under the employment of the Guinness Corperation, and Siobhan Hewson (neé O'Shanaghanamagh). He was raised in a small wooden shack just outside Dublin with his six brothers and four sisters, and it was here that he discovered his passion for music through fiddling with his father.
Instead of working in the Guinness fields like the rest of his family, he joined the performing circus troupe, The IRA, where he was a clown and mime. In 1972, upon hearing the bad press associated with the IRA following a knife throwing act that went wrong (later known as Bloody Sunday), Bono left his home for London, as he heard the streets had no name. He took with him his cat, Bob Geldof. When he reached London, he and Bob split after a disagreement as to which one was more like God, and from then on were locked in a bitter rivalry which cost Bono his soul. Sadly, Bono was never born with a soul so he is indebted to him to this very day.
[edit] Personal life
Bono has been married over 50 times to various women, men, plants and animals. However, none of his marriages lasted longer than two months, due to Bono's God Complex disorder. Some of his more notable partners include Madonna, Whoopi Goldberg, Terry Wogan, Chuck Norris, Father Christmas, Susan Boyle, Peaches Geldof and The Pope. He lived with several adoptive African children in a mountain retreat in the highlands of Tibet up until his death in 2004.
Bono was well known for his constant wearing of sunglasses. Many theories exist as to the reason behing this, but the generally accepted idea is that Bono possessed some form of mutation which granted him laser vision, much like the X-Men character Cyclops, who was based upon Bono. Evidence of this was the disastarous self-made light show during U2's Father Ted Tour, where Bono removed his sunglasses and decapitated half of the front row with lasers appearing to be emitted from his eyes.
Bono spent most of his free time defending his title for propping the worlds largest shit ever. Until his death, he held the title with a crap weighing 12 curicks. It has been said that he was so full of crap that he must be made of it.
Today, he has many people out for his assassination.
[edit] Musical career
[edit] U2
As a means to fund his addiction to whiskey due to his Irish heretige, and to pay his rent in London, Bono formed a covers band with three of his old IRA friends, The Hedge, Saddam Clayton, The Drummer and Tim Rosenberg. Bono came up with the band's original name of Arnold Butterfinger & The Bum'd Monkey Huggers, but this was overturned by The Hedge for being too boring so they settled on the far more interesting U2. The band originally started out by playing Pink Floyd and Gary Glitter covers, but gained particular attention and success by being the only Irish band to be able to play sober(ish).
Bono's main contributions to the band involved singing, making tea for the members and doing some clever stuff to make The Hedge's guitar go all echoey and cool. Bono was not, as many believeed, the songwriter for U2. That job lay with a big machine, invented by a fellow Irishman, comedy rap artist Graham Norton, which found topical political issues on the internet and came up with deep, meaningful lyrics based around them.
Bono appeared on all U2 albums, sometimes singing, sometimes only appearing on the cover art in a Where's Wally-style manhunt, up until his death in late 2004.
[edit] Solo work
Bono undertook several solo projects between 1989 and 2003. As Bono was void of all talent, his solo career as a side-project to U2 never really got off the ground. He did, however, release several albums, with all proceeds going to the BBP Charity (Bono's Back Pocket).
The albums he released were:
- Bono! (1989)
- More Bono Magic (1992)
- Bonorama (1995)
- Are You Seriously Going To Buy This Album?! (1996)
- B. (1999)
- Bono: A Retrospective (2001)
- Ah, Now, T'is Only Bono Again (2003)
[edit] Collaborations
As he had a reputation for being a great songwriter and musician, many artists wanted to collaborate with Bono. These included Michael Jackson, Richard Madeley and Marilyn Manson. However, once they discovered he was a talentless Irish git, they declined. Bono's only collaborative effort in his career was a charity single with a bunch of wannabes known as Band AIDS.
[edit] Other work
[edit] Humanitarian work
Bono was famous for his 'involvement' in the poor nations of Africa. In actual fact, it was becuse of Bono's intervention that Africa is in the sorry state it is today.
