Bono
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Bonoto the power of shit, or Boner (real name Bonio O'Reilly Waffenhoffershit), is the phallic shaped object that fronts for the Irish rock band U2 and a famous brand of dog biscuit as well as being the Self Proclaimed Messiah of African Americas . Bono holds the record for the largest amount of ego absorbed into the human body. In fact, if you approach Bono too closely, you will 'ding' your head on Bono's ego. This serves as a primitive defense mechanism for the creature, as well as serves a method of attracting large obese females during mating season. Reports have stated large numbers of hippo-oriented women have suffered from Bono's shrill mating call, which is exemplified on modern alternative rock radio.
The series is quite popular in countries that have people, such as America, Ireland, and Western Antarctica. His real name is Paul Hewson, although it was destroyed and rearranged in a radioactive experiment. For a time, he was known as Asuka Langley Soryu Bush.
He is believed to be the one only and true son of the flying spaghetti monster. There are some who believe that Bono fathered Paul O'Connell, or that he was fathered BY Paul O'Connell. A mate of mine affirms that Bono was both fathered by AND did father O'Connell. The name 'Paul,' though, obviously holds some attraction for him as his dowdy middle-aged alter-(giant)ego is Paul Muldoon.
Bono is known to some as to as "the human fly" as the resemblance is uncanny. He is known to others as the coolest superhero in comic-book history. For years, he held the record for taking the biggest crap ever, until an expose on South Park revealed that he was not the record holder but the record itself. This clarified his childhood name, "Number 2", and why he always has to be Number 1. "I've always wondered how someone can act so great and seem like such a piece of shit," remarked Stan.
Bono is also known to be the world record for the biggest shit. This is why he may seem to do so many good things, and still act like a piece of shit.
Bono has exceeded all his own expectations in life, finally achieving his prised goal of disappearing up his own arsehole Which occurred sometime between "The Joshua Tree" and the "Actung Baby" Albums. This allows him to miraculously appear in photographs with leading politicians to look as if he gives a shit about africa and to either eat shit as a fully fledged fly or pretend to be mestopholes' bell-end. The Edge is so called as frequently he has to Edge towards Bono's rim and pull him out to play gigs. During recent recording sessions for the highly unanticipated follow up to 2004's "How to Dismantle a Stable Fanbase and Annoy People Through the Medium of Music", the band as a group called for Bono to be surgically removed from his own arsehole. However,experts claim he may be lodged so far up there that removing him may be a huge risk to his life. This news has been a much appreciated glimmer of hope to the members of the band who believe that ridding the music world and world in general of their frontman forever is their best shot at re-establishing their title as "Best Band in the World".
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[edit] Bonography
Before Bono was born (NB: before the universe came into creation) he hung out with God and talked about what he would preach about and how he could eat a whole pie by himself. He had a lot of the flying spaghetti monsters albums. This is where he stole his ideas for songs. Soon after he killed the last and only flying spaghetti monster.it was a terrible day i ate lots of him before he was boned he was buried. The discussion soon descended into an argument and a wager was made between Bono and God on who could get the most followers. God played a nasty trick and left the world free of microphones until the year 33BC. Bono then drugged Mary and pretended he was an angel to show her a get out of jail free card for her unexpected pregnancy. Jesus didn't meet Bono till he was around 9 or so and the two became mates and founded the first rock band called U1. Unfortunately most of the recorded material was lost and any record of Jesus (or Jaysus as Bono liked to call him) between the age of 9 and 33 was lost.
Bono the most important man the world, according to the Irish, and they have dubbed him "King of all the Leprechauns" and he is entitled to free Guinness wherever he goes. The Irish also renamed St Patrick's day St Drinksalot day. They then renamed St Drinksalot day to Bono day. Following a deadly radioactive experiment on Bono's balls, he gave birth to an alcoholic peach.
Then Jesus started hanging out with the wrong crowd and got screwed over by one of his so called mates (believed to be a direct descendant of Bush Jr). Bono got depressed for a while and thus the dark ages came to be. Then he remembered the wager so he invented Guinness and an island of very funny alcoholics with the craic thrown in. U2 was founded in 1916 and the alcoholic isle or "Ireland" got free of the Britain's 2 days later. His mind blowing lyrics such as "I am the sweetest thing", "who's gonna ride me like a wild horse", and "In Gods country...NOT!" soon converted people and animals alike all over the world. Since then Bono has been winning the wager. Bookies are still available to take bets but it is believed the current odds are God- 3,673,950,583:1 and Bono-0.5:1.
Recent news has revealed that he and renowned Voodoo-worshiper Oprah Winfrey plan to get married in the fall of 2007. Of course, they will need to be married in a state that allows gay marriage. Bono remarked on his relationship with Oprah, "No one's ever made me feel like this before. . .like a total fucking pussy." Bono's father, Bill Gates, commented, "Don't be so sure about that."
[edit] Supporting Characters
In Bono's tag-a-long crew of fighters, U2 AKA "U who??". These include:
[edit] The Hedge
Real name "Dave Evans", The Hedge is a superhero. His super power is the ability to make people think he's good at guitar when he's really not He is from the planet Yourtoepia, and was born over 6,000,000 hours ago. He is worshipped by Satanists and Jehovah's Witnesses alike. His guitar is covered with a fine pixie dusk that grants his power to stay in U2, despite being ugly and talentless (No offence). Plus he is not bald, he has fashioned his actual hair to look like a hat.
[edit] Saddam Clayton
Real name "Alan". A minor character, Clayton hardly ever gets any 'lines' and usually just stands in the background looking earnest. He was a warrior monk trained by the great Oscar Wilde. He was killed off in the third season pilot episode, even though it's not a TV show. You should dislike this character, as he may be Adolf Hitler. Clayton is known for his incredible coolness, his many glasses and his banana-bass.
[edit] The Drummer
Real name unknown, The Drummer is best known for casting a ring into a mountain during a crossover series titled "The Lord of the Rings". It is generally regarded that the drummer keeps a steady diet of children and electrical sockets. The Drummer is fine.
[edit] Nial Harte
Otherwise known as the go to boy serves as the bands sexual tool and is also Pat Kenny's illegitimate love child. Mother? A pack of wolves.
[edit] Notable History
- 1913: Bono's arrival first prophesied by a young man named Finis Jennings Dake.
- 1954: Bono dies while valiantly flying a mission over Berlin, not realizing that the airlift was six years prior.
- 1950: Becomes THE first ever pompous ass Irishmen sporting a mullet.
- 1955: Bono is born, one year after his death and a full year before his birth. His reputation as a show-off begins to spread.
- 1956: Bono is born again. This was a blatant violation of the intergalactic law of the time, but nobody noticed because Ireland was still completely underground at the time. It was also the subject of the highly controversial Episode #-1, which was also responsible for introducing such apocrypha as space turtles.
- 1943: Bono decides to ride his bike into a snowfield and is found cradeling the unborn fetus of Steve tyler's unborn baby; to Mike Jagger
- 1961: The Dake Prophesies get widespread attention with first complete publication of the Dake Annotated Reference Bible
- 1964: Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. win a SAG award for remixing the theme from "The Avengers." Bono smites them both.
- 1966: Bono has trouble paying the rent; re-animates Adam and Larry.
- 1967, April 3rd: Bono's 15th Secret Nativity in the Flesh
- 1970 - 1975 The Golden Age of Bonopoly, where Bono invents lots of things (see below)
- 1972 - Bruce Lee, seeing Bono's ego threatening his death in a catastrophic explosion, makes the Sun a repository for Bono's ego. When in millions of years the Sun engulfs the solar system, it is not as a result of processing heavier elements but as Bono's ego has over-inflated. And as he kills babies.
- 1984: Adam expends the last of his three wishes, granted for releasing Sting from his imprisonment in a magic lamp, to get a #1 single for his namesake band, Steely Dan. The wish is accepted, and a song from 1980 -- "Five White Swallows" -- becomes #1 on the Billboard charts throughout 1893. Adam gives up, gets drunk, and becomes a Korean woman for seven weeks.
- 1984, attempt 2: Adam gets drunk and arranges to marry Elvis Costello, who at that time is still Elvis. The Edge consults U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Rev. Al Sharpton, Phd., Esq., Inc., who, seeing an opportunity to strike a blow to the reputation of his rival Alex "The Graham" Bell, imposes a ban on "weeks" for five weeks. This gives Larry time to set a pie trap for Elvis. The laser gun fires as expected, and the problem is solved. Adam sobers up in a local opium den.
- 1986: Bono comes out of the closet. Bono realizes that AIDS is not a problem in Africa, every time he claps his hands, a baby will die there. Goes into rehab for chronic masturbation.
- 1989: Bono meets the guy that invented Jimi Hendrix and they duel for the Rights to Neptune. The other guy wins but Bono uses his incredible language skillz to persuade him to fork over Neptune. He does.
- 1991: After the inevitable success of the book "Mog on Fox Night", about a cat who goes out of the cat flap and finds lots of foxes around, Bono releases another similar book: "Bono on Fox Night", where Bono, Bob Geldof's pet escapes from the under the floorboards, and kills many foxes to sell for personal gain and more guitar equipment for his friend The Hedge.
- 1991: 117 Underpaid illegal homeless Korean Sweatshop children died due to a lethal chemical seeping from the cover of the U2 Album 'Achtung Baby'.
1992: Bono goes back into closet. Finds his virginity.
- 1994: Bono loses his virginity (for the third time) in an incident involving The Edge, the Nazca tectonic plate and seven mutants from Chernobyl.
- 1999: Nothing happened for a while. To raise money for a new pair of sunglasses, Bono decided to release "Bono's Christmas" based around "Mog's Christmas" but with more passionate sex scenes.
- 2004: Buys $5,000,000 sunglasses and sends $45,000 to Africa.
- 2005: Bono offers to eliminate African debt by having sex with Nelson Mandela and eating their babies.
- 2005: Bono's ego now ifringes upon the Chinese border. It slowly begins to engulf the one Jesus left behind.
- 2006: AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS!!!
[edit] Poverty
“Tonight thank god its them, instead of yooooooouuuuuu!”
~ Bono on His hatred of Africans
Whilst traveling through Africa Bono realized his image was a bit negative. He needed a gimmick something he could try and stop. So he snuck into Africa under the cover of night and stole the entire food supply. He then split it with Bob Geldof, at the time desperate to offload trucks full of greatly hit boomtown rats, and hatched a plan. Aptly naming the following disaster poverty Bono hatched a plan with Geldof.
Bono: Listen Bob we just tell all these saps that we are crusaders for good.
Bob: Fokkin hell Bono this is fokkin genius let me take centre stage but I'll give you the profits you fokkin legend!
Bono: Sorted!
Bono and Bob's plan was set and they then hosted two concerts and made two records under the ruse that the money was "Feeding the World." To this day the whereabouts of the money is unknown but it is believed a large amount went up the Bonester's lying Irish nose. On the more positive side of things, Geldof and Bono's money has also gone towards their charity which pays for a tacky new conservatory, a new hot tub, 12 high-class hoes, a new Bentley, an entire wardobe of camp hawaiian shirts, a lifetime's supply of Kellogg's Coco Pops (the real shizzle, not some imitation supermarket home-brand wank) and a DVD Boxset of Last of the Summer Wine for all African citizens who went by names such as Mengistu Haile Mariam, R. Mugabe, I. Amin, M. Sesse Seko and T. Obiang (who rightfully got golden spoilers on his Bentley as he was such a good friend of Mark Thatcher) improving their quality of life no end. Let it not be said that Bono and Geldof never do anything for African people. Thanks to the new Bentleys, these people have not been late for one single public execution or toe-nail pulling session since.
[edit] Controversy
Bono received harsh criticism after what is referred to as the “Pancake fiasco”. After allegedly stealing 10,000 tons of fresh pancake mix from starving Africans, he then immigrated back to his native Ireland where he proceeded to racially slander Scottish people, a mistake, as he was force fed Deep-fried Mars Bars. His downfall seemed to continue after he allegedly drank another man's pint of Guiness by accident, a crime punishable by death in parts of Ireland. He escaped (narrowly due to aforementioned weight gain...) by hiding in a laundry basket until it blew over.
[edit] Glasses
Many people have questioned Bono's glasses. Call them what you may - glasses, spectacles, goggles, googaplexes, skizokromiters, glingotoxitizers, or Specs - but it will remain the same. It has been a large mystery on what they are used for, why they look the way they do, and just why the hell he wears them all the damned time. Scholars have looked into this, and came up with the following theories:
- Bono is a "Mutant", and requires the glasses to conceal his heat-vision, for if he removes them; he will surely die.
- If one were to actually look Bono in the eyes, they would turn into shit.
- Bono is an alien sent from outer-space, who uses these glasses to look into human's emotions and deepest feelings, in order to write shitty songs about them.
- Bono is an Ethiopian in disguise, and conceals his clearly Ethiopian eyes with these shaded goggles, in order to break into government buildings and find classified information about the US Government.
- Bono wears his shades so he can constantly be staring at his own reflection.
None of these theories have yet been proven, but each of them are approximately 94% Likely, except for the Alien one, which is 98% likely.
