Bonnie Tyler
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“Sounding like she's given a chainsaw a blowjob, if your granny acted like this you'd have her committed and cash in your inheritance early...”
~ NME
“Her words are special to me, she reminds me so much of my mother”
~ Spit the Dog
“Not a lot of people know this, but we are actually the same person...”
~ Rod Stewart
“I love her darling, but she doesn't have the range! CHAMPAGNE!”
[edit] Who?
Bonnie Tyler (AKA Cancer-throat Bonnie & "whatthefuckisthatbloodynoise" Tyler) is a 167 year old singer who performs in the ancient "Welsh Growl" style.
Tyler found local fame and limited success in her small Welsh village with her 1876 offering "Partial Eclipse of thy Heart" .This lead to her leaving her part-time job as a dinner lady and heading for the big lights of Cardiff to work on the tills in HMV.
It would be over a century later that Tyler would meet Jim "I-wrote-most-of-the-songs-in-the-world-all-must-bow-before-me" Steinman and refuse to accept his Visa Electron as payment for the new Toni Basil EP. Having no other means of payment available, Steinman agreed to re-write Tyler's earlier hit and a week later she was on Top of the Pops performing "Total Prolapse of the Arse"
Little did she know that a week later she would be pushing copies of the Toni Basil EP off the number 1 spot replacing them with her own record, a move that would end up getting her sacked from HMV.
[edit] Where are they now?
Bonnie Tyler was last seen fleeing the doors of HMV Cardiff in tears, clasping copies of her record and screaming "I'LL GET YOU LEO SAYER, AND YOUR FUCKING DOG TOO!"
Rumour has it that she is to appear in the 2008 version of Celebrity Big Brother as a weekly shopping task. Further details are unknown at present.
