Bon-bons

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Bonbon

A man suffering from choco-seizures right before his unfortunate death due to over-deliciousization.

Bon-bons are a delicious chocolatey treat. The first person who ever ate a bon-bon immediately died of over-deliciousization, which is a rare affliction that rarely afflicts even the rarely afflicted, but afflicts people nonetheless, albeit rarely.

Origin

The term "bon-bon" comes from a phrase uttered by God while he was inventing the Universe (claims that he actually invented the Universe are disputed). Some scholars assert that what God said was "mung-mung", which roughly translates to "funny monkey crack spaghetti", something that has nothing to do with the incredible deliciousness of the bon-bon. Or does it? No it doesn't. Yes it does. Want to bet?

Early Years

At first the bon-bon was ill received by the general populace. This is why God killed everyone with a flood and started over. Thankfully God didn't make a mistake the second time, and the bon-bon took off. In fact, within two years, the bon-bon was at the top of the delicious charts. These charts were so delicious that they were ravenously consumed by a bear and a lion, who subsequently mated and spawned a new race of mutant chocolate lion-bears. This is the explanation for the Jennifer Aniston constellation that can be seen in the western winter sky, but only through a special pair of celebrity binoculars. But that was a long time ago.

Middle Years

Somewhere along the line bon-bons acquired the ability to travel through time. Consequently they had no middle years. The Dark Ages were caused by a lack of bon-bon deliciousness to make everyone happy and stop killing each other with swords and crossbows. Incidentally, bon-bons' decision to vacation in Australia was the cause of World War II. Unpopular science tells us that Hitler's grumpiness and the loosely related Holocaust could have been caused by a bon-bon that was not as bon as could be. In fact, many hippity cool cat homey Gs insist on calling these deficient delicacies "mal-mals". However, they're ignorant bigots who couldn't tie their sholaces while being pelted with strawberry-flavoured yodel-electropop fusion records.

Between the 'Middle Years' and the 'Bon-bon Today' Years

Unfortunately, nothing significant happened involving the bon-bon during this period of time. Except that whole "bon-bons go on a magical adventure to save the universe" thing, but you don't want to hear about that, do you?

The Bon-bon Today

Recently, interest in the bon-bon has declined considerably, and in fact the entire bon-bon industry is currently propped up solely by Oprah, who has been known to consume as many as three billion in a year. On average, each woman has two bon-bons in her uterus. This is due to a mysterious phenomenon known only as "slippage". Experts believe that since the recent invention of cheese (the bon-bons' sworn enemy), people in general have turned away from the tastiness that is in fact the bon-bon.

The Future of the Bon-bon

There will be no future unless you get in your car, drive to the store, and buy as many damned bon-bons as you can fit in your little metal basket. You will buy them all and you will eat them all, or else the bon-bon will become extinct. Remember that the last time this happened, God fucking destroyed everything.

The Moral of the Story

Either eat a bon-bon or build an ark.

Were you aware...

  • Bon-bons originally came from Mars. So get yo ass there.
  • 750 billion people over the years have given their first born for just one more deliciously tasterrific bon-bon.
  • Bon-bons in large quantities have the power to fuel a jumbo jet for 8 days.
  • Bon-bons can be used as a form of contraception.
  • In 1965, A 55 years old Chinese pregnant bon-bon gave birth to a healthy Easter rabbit.
  • Bon-bons are the only known cure for anal-gynaherpatitis.
  • Nano-bon-bons are kind of like a flesh-eating virus.
  • Bon-bons can speak and have feelings.
  • I have a swimming pool completely full of bon-bons in my back yard.
  • Shut up, YES I DO!
  • The first ever cloned bon-bon was immediately destroyed because of people and their bullshit morals.
  • Bon-bons were discriminated against for hundreds of years and treated so unfairly that they have overwhelmed us with rap music and gangster violence in recent years as a form of retaliation.
  • Bon-bons can travel through time.
  • Bon-bons are not real and only a tasty treat that you create in your own mind in order to keep your sanity. Freak.
  • You shall not mix bon-bons with bon-boms!
  • The Bon-Bon has a molecular weight of Delicious
  • When infused into the brain via transmutation, the Bon-Bon releases energy equal to 12 Kevin Bacons
  • Has been known to substitute well for kittens

More on Nano-Bon-Bons

Nano-bon-bons are the illiterate spawn of normal Bon-bons. Once a normal bon-bon is digested, it releases Nano-bon-bons into the blood stream where they fly through the body destroying everything -- even things outside the body. They work their way down to the reproductive organs attacking unguarded eggs and fighter sperm. Other than their blatant disregard for your procreation, Nano-Bon-bons consume your precious bodily fluids in order to maintain their deliciousizing nature.

“Everything in this article is 100% factualated.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nano-Bon-bons


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