Bolton
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“The palindrome of bolton would be notlob, not ipswitch, you silly pet shop man!!”
~ John cleese on Being told he is in the wrong petshop, and they cannot refund his parrot
This article is about the Metropolis of Bolton. For other Boltons please see the Bolton Discombobulation page.
Boltonious, twinned with Chernobyl - Old Roman town marker, excavated 15 May 1986. Curtsy of The London Museum.
Bolton wankies (is really a lie. Bolton doesn't exist.... Really! God's honest truth, there isn't such a thing as a Bolton... Oh, if you insist, you nosey bastards) is a town in the North West of England. It was in Lancashire until 1974, when it was stolen by the Un-Great Manchester Empire. It had a population of 139,403 according to the 2001 Census, and the wider borough a population of 264,800, although in 2003 all but 5 of the inhabitants were killed in freak mining and mill accidents. It also has a football team, Bolton F.C. During the war, Adolf Hitler often visited and had envisaged that Bolton would replace Berlin as the capital of the super Europe he was never to create. Upon his defeat in the war, Hitler fled to Bolton where he founded Greggs the Nazi Bakers, which made pies out of jews. He then hired a PR Manager, Alastair Campbell who suggested dropping the word Greggs as it was offensive, and replacing jew meat with dog meat instead. Bolton has the highest percentage of paki's int UK , even more than places like Preston an that. :)
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[edit] Origins of the Name
Following a referendum in 1984 the town voted to change its name from Bolton le Woods, a name with roots in Anglo Saxon times and mentioned in the Doomsday Book, in an attempt to present a trendy new impression. After much discussion by the council a shortlist was drawn up of potential names that would reflect a modern go ahead image based on popular icons. Manilow (after Barry) was rejected at an early point in the process for obvious reasons. Shaw (after Sandy) was a strong contender until someone pointed out it had already been snapped up by a community just outside Oldham. On trade descriptions and copyright grounds a court rejected various attempts at Paris, New York, Rio, Baghdad, Bali, and London. Eventually, after noting the typical haircut of the average male and female resident, a decision was made to rename the town after Michael Bolton. Mr Bolton initially objected but when the town promised to erect a statue in his honour he relented. Unfortunately the statue was to be funded entirely by public donation and to date insufficient funds have been raised. As of 2006 the fund stood at £2.52 including compound interest since 1984. And so the town was named Bolton.
[edit] Industrial Revolution
Bolton was at the heart of the industrial revolution in the 18th Century. Samuel Crompton, a native of the Hall-i'-th'-Wood district, invented the Spinning Mule, an improvement over the Stationary Mule and also the already revolutionary Spinning Jenny. The problem with the Spinning Jenny was that Jenny, also known as Mrs Eckerslike and a well known music hall act in her day, was prone to regular projectile vomiting, g-force related brain damage and kept falling over on a regular basis, even when sober.
The Spinning Mule, actually misnamed as it originally used pedigree donkeys, replaced Mrs Eckerslike with a more sustainable resource as they were easily bred from whereas Mrs Eckerslike had passed menopause. However, the donkeys were reluctant to keep spinning of their own accord, preferring to stop every couple of minutes to graze. To overcome this Crompton devised a large turntable upon which the donkey could stand, munching on a hay bale conveniently placed in front of it. The turntable was then spun using a team of local labourers. This was an incredible development – a spinning mule or donkey that did not have to spin itself.
Since England at the time had a dearth of Jennys but a plentiful supply of donkeys and ponies, the idea caught on very quickly and before long the entire North of England was saturated with equine animals atop turntables. There were two major flaws in the design however. First a mule or pony on a rapidly spinning turntable doing what mules or ponies do when the hay reaches the bowel resulted in a great deal of splatter and spoilage to the clothing of the labourers turning the turntable. As a side effect, this triggered a vast expansion of the soap trade that eventually resulted in the foundation of the Unilever multinational. Secondly no-one ever worked out how you could produce anything other than dirty laundry from the invention. By 1784, just five years after it was invented, the Spinning Mule was superceded by the power loom and Crompton went into the manure trade.
In later life Crompton became a largely unsuccessful explorer. He led several expeditions into the African continent in search of the missing n and e in Hall-i'-th'-Wood but came back empty handed each time. To this day the missing letters, thought to have been exchanged for two pasties and a pint of cider in the 13th century, have never been recovered. Bolton Council has a permanent researcher assigned to the task who can be contacted at the town hall by anyone with information, although they don't work Thursdays, Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays or Tuesdays, or at the weekend.
Bolton embraced the power loom and the concept of dark satanic mills with a vengeance, managing to cover every square inch of green and pleasant land with these monuments to Victorian slave labour, relentless toil and dismemberment. With the decline of the textile industry in England most of the mills have now been demolished and replaced with nice grey tin sheds housing DIY superstores and supermarkets but one or two remain to serve the dwindling population of dark satanic millers, who these days prefer to be called 'Dark Satanic Industrial Trade Professionals'
[edit] Demographics
- 97% - People with funny accents who say t’ instead of to (e.g. 'going t' Bolton'), or instead of 'the' (e.g. 'taking t' bus'), or instead of 'to the' (e.g. 'going t' cinema').
- 2% - Posh people who live in the Lostock area
- 46% - Spineless shadows working on the government payroll
- 64% - People who failed mathematics at school
- 90% - People who dress and act like Chavs
- 100%- People who try and walk, talk on their mobiles, push a pram, eat a steak bake and smoke a fag at the same time.
- 0.00038% - Fat comedians who make a very decent living by asking the audience if they remember things from the 1970s (sweets, toys, etc.) and whose reputation for arrogance, since letting success go to their head, has resulted in their having a very poor reputation among their peers.
[edit] Religion
- 26% - Christian
- 5% - Hindu
- 20% - Moslem
- 18% - Satanism
- 14% - Heathen
- 15% - Chavs
- 2% - Jedi
- 12% - Peter Kay
[edit] Language
The official language of Bolton is E'gl'sh, a variation of English but without many of the usual letters, e.g. 'M off t'shop' and this is taught in all local schools. Many suspect it to be an earlier, spoken version of texting however this is unlikely as the first mobile phone did not arrive in Bolton until 2005.
[edit] Useful words
- [short hiccup]
- the
- Ad
- Had
- Afert
- I must
- Areet
- Are you alright? (This question does not require an answer, it is used as a greeting)
- An
- And
- Buzz
- usual local public transport
- C-yaah
- Goodbye or See You
- Cock
- Not an offensive word but an often used term of endearment "Ta Cock", "Off t'a shops cock?"
- Easee
- typical greeting
- f’
- to ("...tell ya what f' do...")
- Foo cough
- Polite expression of incredulity
- Gaaarlic Bread?!
- The way of telling any wanker (cf. below) that you're born and bred in Bolton (from Mr Bolton himself, Peter Kay)
- I-yaah
- Universal greeting, corrupted from Hi You
- Klorse (rhymes with horse)
- Close
- Me
- My
- Pants
- Trousers, like the Americans
- T’
- to the
- Ta
- Thanks
- Thur
- There
- Tinternet
- The WWW
- Tinterweb
- As above
- Thospical
- The Hospital
- Townleys
- Nickname for Thospical (cf. above)
- Wagon
- Lorry or truck
- Wanker
- Person not born and bred in Bolton
- Wi
- With
- Yaah
- You
[edit] Useful Phrase for Tourists
- I-yaah, I’m a wanker, can yaah tell me [short hiccup] way t’ thospical. I’ve ad a klorse miss wi a wagon an shat me pants. Ta cock.
- Hello, I’m not local, can you tell me the way to the hospital. I’ve had a close miss with a lorry and am suffering with shock. Thanks love.
- Asbinmenbinmam?
- Have the refuse collection agency arrived on-time today, mother?
[edit] Economics
Bolton is one of the more deprived boroughs in England according to the Indices of Deprivation 2000. A third of the Borough's population lives in seven wards which are amongst the 10% most deprived in England. To overcome the poverty Bolton Council has instituted a programme of abolishing the wards affected and therefore not counting the residents in any surveys. According to the local plan, by 2020 the target is to ignore at least 85% of poor residents for statistical purposes and therefore become the least deprived borough in England.
The world’s first international conglomerate, Lever Bros now Unilever, originated in Bolton. The legacy remains in the names of local districts such as Little Lever, Great Lever, and Middling Sort Of Lever but the soap mines have long since been completely exhausted. The only evidence of their once dominant existence in these areas comes during heavy rains when suds rise to the surface making it very slippery and a danger to pedestrians and motor vehicles.
Another major multinational, Reebok, also has its origins in Bolton. The company retains a strong presence in the town due to the Premiership football club stadium being named “The Reebok”. This club that play at “The Reebok” are Bolton Wanderers football club and they are one of the best clubs in the world. Please visit “The Reebok”. and watch the quality football that is played there as there are not many who go at the moment and they are missing out! The company’s fortunes are based on running shoes, something in strong demand with those born in the town and who can’t drive. Running is the most popular sport locally and the usual variation is to see how far you can get before the plods (police) catch you.
Currently the major employer in the town is Nancy’s Tea and Bacon Sandwich Mobile Cafe located in a car park just north of the town centre. Nancy is thinking about getting another trailer to meet demand in the south of the town and which is predicted to bring a further 6 jobs to the area, running 7 days a week, late opening on Fridays and Saturdays. It appears that Bolton’s economic fortunes are about to rise once again.
It should be noted that the key issue surrounding Bolton's economic growth seems to be that the only areas actually worth investing in tend to be densely populated by councillors due to their higher-class nature, making development nigh-on impossible. For example, out of the 60 councillors in bolton approximately 30 of them live in Bromley Cross. More contentious issues have arose in bromley cross in the last fifty years than has on the outskirts of Chad.
[edit] Councillors
It is a well known and widely accepted fact that Bolton is (and historically has been) home to some of the most senile and inept councillors in English history.
Such past examples of pure idiocy, occurring after hundreds upon thousands of public enquiries and meetings at standard (read: extortionate) cost, include the now-famous gateway to bolton bridge, unanimously agreed upon by Bolton Council with no regard to the fact the the bridge is itself one-way leading out of Bolton.
A further example of insanity on the part of the trusted leaders of Bolton comes in the form of the 'newport street elephants'. Costing a mere £30,000 and painted a vibrant mixture of pink, green and yellow these statues were hand-crafted from pure cardboard and lasted a record 39 minutes before being demolished by a native. Quite possibly, it is speculated, because it looked 'out of place' and the average IQ of a glass of water would lead an individual to deduce they should have been grey.
Many people blame the complete inept council on one person, The Mayor. As you can see from the list below Bolton hasn't really had much of a chance with mayors so stupid they make a man smothered in marmite at a bee keepers convention look smart
Former Bolton Mayors:
Norman Critchley (mid 2009 to not long after)
The Sugarpuff Monster
Joe Pasquale
The daddy chimp for the pg tips advert
A twix
Gary linikers left leg
Gary Linikers right leg
Tony Blair
Homer Simpson
Mendel
Roy Walker
Herman from The Munsters
Bob Hoskins
Showaddywaddy
Famous Bolturds
Paul 'ESCO' Fury
Local paedophile, he cannot stop his extremely poor deviant behaviour of handing out pedals to local young children, nobody knows why he does it or what he expects in return from them. Boltons child protection team have him at the top of their hitlist of pedallers of pedals to the young. Advice to young mothers: Tell your young to watch out for this creep and DO NOT ACCEPT ANY pedals from him.
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