Bologna

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“Oscar Wilde has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a!”
~ Oscar Wilde on bologna
“Bologna is actually a type of cheese invented by the great Satan himself!”
~ Satanist on bologna
“Bologna is not only for gays. FUCK YOUR COUCH NIGGA, FUCK YOUR COUCH!”
~ Paul S. on bologna

feed to make pterodactyls more aggressive before a fight. Sort of like a steroid. According to legend, many believe that the steroid used on these pterodactyls, are also made within the bologna it self!

edit Cultural Variations

Bologna

Guides for unique cultural use.

To eat bologna, or not to eat bologna: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler for the intestines to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous gastric fortune,
Or to take Tums against a flatulent sea of troubles...ahem!
  • Most vegetarians boycott meat bologna, since it appears to be meat. That makes no sense, if you ask me. Soy protein bologna is more disgusting than traditional bologna. Vegetarians are probably just sissy ass bitches. "Weird Al" Yankovic, although vegetarian, just loves bologna.
  • Scientologists will not eat bologna, since it can't be proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it didn't originate on another planet. And it cannot be classified by any table of category known to man.
  • Nor do Buddhists partake of bologna, since it is likely to lack good and wholesome ingredients.
  • Or people of the Jewish persuasion, for that matter, since it's probably not Kosher and might contain pig penis parts or something equally as revolting, unless the bologna is made by Hebrew National.
  • Islamics prefer a piece of salami instead, since its so close to the word Salām meaning "peace."
  • Atheists don't believe in bologna or salami, and would like to pass a law separating delis and schools.
  • Agnostics aren't really sure if they like the taste of bologna, for no particular reason.
  • Neopaganists are likely to recognize how bologna symbolizes the Melting Pot societies of the world, and should be embraced.
  • Christians think bologna is great..especially with mayonnaise...which makes my brother "Yak." We can't figure that one out.

edit FDA Study

In 2003, due to complaints from old people, the FDA became testing bologna for weird substances. It was called: "Project: BUTTCHEEK". After only two days into the investigation the project was closed down. The reason why remains a mystery. Most people believe the FDA found disgusting stuff inside of it and that the major food retail giants working with the government told them to shut up. Coincidentally, all people who were part of the study, committed suicide (or at least thats what the CIA says). One man, going by the alias "XY" came forward and said the government found traces of poop, uranium, Substance D, some yellow-green stuff, and pig penises in bologna and the US Navy, Postal Service, FOX News, Stewie Griffin, Michael Jackson, the Chinese, the mayor of Kansas City, U2, and the old lady next door (yes, her) were keeping it secret.

edit Lyrics

My bologna has a first name.
It's O-S-C-A-R.
My bologna has a second name.
It's M-A-Y-E-R.
My bologna has a nickname.
It's N-I-T-R-A-T-E-S.
Oh! I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why I'll say.
'Cause I'll eat whatever is in the refrigerator when I come home from school because I'm freakin' hungry and my Mom sits all day on the computer editing Uncyclopedia entries and never has the time to go shopping for anything other than B-O-L-O-G-N-A!

edit Product Notes

Bologna is manufactured according to the terms set forth under President Bill Clinton's "Don't Ask. Don't Tell." Policy. In other words, if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question.

edit Meat

Bologna is a type of meat. The purpose of meat is to feed hungry children. Birds also eat meat but they prefer to catch their own. Sometimes they feed each other but they don't like being told what to eat. The original meat is in good taste. But cloned bologna is like savoring planet of the apes when you expected a filet mignon. The FDA has buckled to big biotech and agro-business despite more than 150,000 public comments opposing the lifting of the ban on cloning, and amendments to the federal Farm Bill and Omnibus Appropriations Bill calling for more research before lifting the ban.

Genetically speaking, meat eaters could eat burgers from the same cow for years. Don't let the marketplace support such experimentation with our ecosystem and the food we eat.

Don't eat meat or animal products? We still think this issue will interest you, given the risks taken by introducing cloned animals into our food system and ecosystem.

edit Applications

Oscarmayernutrition

Mmmm. Bologna. It's what's for dinner!

Uses for bologna include:

  • cheap sandwiches made with equally un-nutritious white bread
  • boob jobs
  • Kleenex substitute
  • a challenge during the disgusting eating portion of TV show Fear Factor
  • doilies for side tables that need polishing
  • caulking compound for a leaky bathtub -- just squish a piece into the crack between the tiles
  • underarm sweat guards for that precious silk blouse
  • dental material for severely decayed tooth that needs a filling -- better this than mercury
  • relief for constipation
  • party masks for your masquerade
  • cheap unreturnable frisbees for dogs (note: the ASPCA considers it cruel to feed your dog bologna)


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