Bollywood
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 Warning, watching a Bollywood movie can cause you to die out of laughter.
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“ Wow. These movies are more suggestive than mine...”
~ Jenna Jameson on Bollywood
Contents |
[edit] Film Content
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more Aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times. If you didn't know that Harry marries Ginny or that Ron marries Hermione or that Dumbledore is gay, don't read this. |
Genres within Bollywood are highly complex and diverse. They may range from simple love stories, to epic love stories, to love stories with many different love triangles, to slightly epic loves stories. A typical example would be boy meets girl, strict father finds out, girl is locked away then kills herself (mainly due to intolerable pain of heartbreak and thrashings from the father). Bollywood films are often known for the frequent sacrificing of the main story with a 10 minute song and dance routine in every 5 second interval. The timing of the songs can be quite appropriate (i.e. person dies- lets have a boogie!) These are usually filmed (but not limited to) in the rain, in the mountains of Switzerland, in a gaudy mansion, in the mountains of Switzerland, at a wedding, in America (for some reason) or in the mountains of Switzerland. They are then followed by complex lines of dialogue that feature the writings of a 12 year old kid in which for unknown reasons both English and Hindi are spoken. Of course, in Bollywood, one only needs to do the wild dance to create babies. Because sex is heard and not seen in India, porn is considered to be holding hands. Recently the Indian public has found out that there is a such thing as kisses. The addition of kissing scenes in Bollywood served to reduce the population of India, since many individuals had heart attacks. Porn is now considered to be hugging and that is why Indian men have a premature ejaculation problem.
[edit] Cast and crew
- Aishwarya Rye
- Madhuri Dickshit
- Cajole
- Arnold Kapoop
- Zayeeeeeed Cunt
- Aamir Raj
- Rainy Macaroni ji
- Amytabh Bitchin
- Big Assa Basu
- Deepika Padum-psshh
- Prickyanka Chopra
- Vishnu
- Krishna
- Rama
- Lakshmi
[edit] Finances
The entire GDP of India is often used to create Bollywood movies. This may amount to a total of 20 million in US dollars at times for the most expensive productions.
One thing people often fail to realize is how effective a tool this can be for raising money. Sometimes, Bollywood movies that have made their way to other parts of the world make as much as 10.50 in US dollars, after taxes. This enables India to pay for even better fans to blow actresses' hair around while they just stand in front of the camera.
[edit] Rules of Bollywood
1. The story must be about romance. No questions. To give the villagers who watch these movies a twist, try adding as many love triangles as possible, and even love rectangles, if more than two actors are in the film. Love dodecahedrons may be a possibility.
2. Sharook Khan, Salmon Khan, Aaaaaamir Khan and Amytabh Bitchin must be in the movie. Otherwise, there might be a protest or a strike.
3. The male "hero" must be Muslim, and the female "heroin" must be Hindu, otherwise she can go to Lollywood too. Such available male actors include Aaaaaamir Khan, Salmon Khan, Zayeeeeeed Khan, Safe Ally Khan, Abishit Butchan, Farteen Khan and Sharook Khan. Female actresses include Ashwarehouse Rye, Bitchassa Busu, Madori Dipshit, Uh,me?SHA! Paddle, and Rainy Macaroniji. This is so the Hindu-Muslim population ratio is balanced and no conflicts result, so a partition doesn't occur after watching "Raju Chacha." Also, the Kapoop family, which includes millions of actors, have the largest family as possible for the director's convenience.
4. Every movie must have 10 songs. each needs to be a minimum of 10 minutes In the corresponding videos, Sharook Khan must raise his hands in the air as if to hug noone in particular but everyone in general, followed by curling his eyebrows in unusual positions (triangular positions are highly favorable, to remind the audience of the numerous love triangles) followed by running his finger inexplicably through his hair.
5. It is mandatory that every movie have at least one scene where the hero punches the air ten feet in front of the bad guy to the sound of a small firecracker, only to send him flying off in the wrong direction due to complex shockwaves created by his badass expression.
6. All movies must be rated FFTTI (fun for the typical indian), so directors don't lose money if video material is unsuitable for particular audiences. (They can walk out AFTER they pay for the ticket, the directors don't give a crap as long as they have money to bring curry to the table.)
7. Make sure actresses giggle and toss their hair constantly to seduce interviewers. Classes to learn how to do so are held every other ten years, instucted by Pretty Ugly Zithead, who has years of experience.
8. Bollywood is frequently pronounced "bawl-e-vud", as it is mandatory that each movie has at least one scene where the old ladies bawl their eyes out. The young ladies do that just as well
9. Their must be at least one scene where the young lovers stare soulfully into each others' eyes, each hoping that the other will pay for dinner, while fans (financed by the profits of previous movies) blow the heroines hair around.
10. The main actors must, and this is compulsory, mix hindi and english together (=hinglish). When speaking english it must be in a dodgy american accent(not really american, mostly an indian kidnapped from a call centre to sound american). Theories have arose as to the purpose of this, many believe it is to kiss the ass of Hollywood, moreover to copy hollywood.
11. Any actors in the movie who are not of indian origin, especially caucasians, must speak in an american accent. The accent produced must be out of tone and style with the rest of the cast.
12. Each main and supporting character of the film must have a minimum of 327 back-up dancers respective of the gender.
13. Each movie must have a inspiration movie from hollywood.
14. Thugs must always approach hero one at a time, even though they all came in a group.
15. When the movie is released on DVD, every subtitle has to be at least three lines off and every song subtitle has to have at least two typos.
16. All movies should be "hatke" from every other movie that was made or would be made
17. Characters must for reasons unknown have their clothes change during songs. This is to signify that a change has occurred in the day. Ie. day to night.
18. Songs must be sang at a 190 Decibel range (Ie. Screaming) for reasons unknown. However, this can be partially traced to the fact that Bollywood films feature such bad and cheap equipment that the actors and actresses have no choice but to scream.
19. It is mandatory for at least one male actor to hold up his finger and say something dramatic, while the camera zooms in and out of his face.
20. There must be at least one scene of betrayal.
21. There has to be at least one scene in the movie where the bad guys and the good guys have a fight scene. This fight scene is not just bad, but choreographed so bad that one must think the action is happening at that moment without any prior choreography. It is then followed by the Smart-Ass character saying either a one liner or an Indian joke. Then a song.
22. Bollywood films feature no product placement or any advertising of some kind.
23. Most of them feature Directors whose name cannot be pronounced.
24. Feature only one audio track, "Hinglish".
25. The dance sequences are choreographed very badly. In fact, the dancing looks like a synchronized arm waving as if people were directing airplanes or performing some sort of ritual to appease Aliens so they don't attack earth.
26. If you're good at jumping jacks, you could have a possible job as an extra during the dance sequences since that's what it looks like half the people are doing.
27. Women and men both perform chest shaking during the dances. Neither one is sexually arousing.
28. Bollywood films have not yet adopted High Definition cameras, as those cameras will cost more than the actual movies' budget.
[edit] Rules for Selecting Bollywood Leads
Selecting the leads for any Bollywood movie is no easy task. There are so many complex criteria to be met -
[edit] The Hero
Must be...
1. Fair-skinned.
2. Muscular.
3. Fair-skinned.
4. Hindi-speaking.
5. Fair-skinned.
6. Constantly reaffirming his patriotism with long speeches and songs
7. Fair-skinned.
8. Able to prance around in a few tight clothes...in the Swiss Alps. This has led to many Bollywood leads suffering from hypothermia.
9. Fair-skinned.
10. Sporting permanent stubble of some sort.
11. Fair-skinned. 12. Running around with a loose jacket which is constantly thrown off to reveal his sleeveless shirt and muscular arms. He must also run around without a shirt a lot. As you've probably guessed, this hasn't helped the hypothermia situation very much...
13. Able to punch people so hard that they start bleeding - from 13 feet away.
14. Hair must be floppy in order to blow in all directions when chasing, a villain, train or girl
15. Waxed. Waxed underarms.
16. Did I mention fair-skinned?
17.producer's son
18.must have a sister{who gets raped by the villain}
19.should have a heroine #2 (who must die of rape related wounds inflicted by the lucky villain}
Following instructional videos shall teach you (noob) exactly what to do to get entry into bollywood without getting sodomized on the casting couch.
[edit] The Heroin Addict*
Must be...
1. Fair-skinned.
2. Muscular.
3. Fair-skinned.
4. Hindi-speaking.
5. Fair-skinned.
6. Constantly reaffirming her patriotism and chastity/virginity with long speeches and songs.
7. Fair-skinned.
8. Able to prance around in tight clothes - again, in the Swiss Alps, and spin around while maintaining her balance on an icy precipice, all while smiling into a camera.
9. Fair-skinned.
10. Fair-skinned
11. Fair-skinned
12. Hot
13. Slightly Hotter
14. Unable to act
15. Wear only Handkerchiefs (Two at a time)
16. Dance (unless half naked)
17. Fair-skinned
18. Must be able to jump higher than Yelena Isanbayeva's last 13 jumps, without a pole (preferably on building roofs)when chased by evil goons(who remain unchanged for all the 1300 bollywood flicks a year).
19.Should be constantly bickering about-apple juice/summer/winter/hero's bad breath
20.Should have a omnipresent mummy aka{ ex-heroine of yesteryears }on the movie sets.
[edit] Science of Bollywood
There are no specific rules, of course, although general guidelines include:
- Punches must sound like small firecrackers.
- Guns must also sound like small firecrackers.
- The villain must be unshaven. Better still, he'll have a beard.
- The cue for the villain's defeat is when he crashes into a fruit stall.
- Amitabh Bitchin has his own rules.
- Mysterious music pops up from nowhere, which everyone hears (perfectly synchronised), and the ability to dance in time to it is miraculously granted to all bystanders.
- If you are a hero, you can jump from any building no matter how much high, you will not get a scratch & you can continue running after that.
- If you are hero, you cannot die without saying a long 15minute dialogue no matter how injured you are.
- If you're the heroine, you must sit there for fifteen minutes hiccuping and listening to your dying lover's speech, instead of calling the ambulance. Dumb bitch.
- The hero will, after fighting with at least 10,000 villans, come out without so much of a scratch
- Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.
- The heroine can get into a taxi and go wherever she likes without giving the driver any address
- When crossing a rotting suspended bridge, with well spaced wooden slats, the slat will always brake when a woman steps on it. Also, it is odd that the wood will rot away long before the vine ropes begin to rot!
- should be not less than 3hrs.30minutes of running time.
- The storyline should be copied from atleast 50 korean ,32 american, 63 french pirated movies.
- lead actors should always come late to work(not less than 8 hrs)
[edit] Bollywoody Pehnomenon
The Bollywoody Pehnomenon has gained in recent years after many emcaciated and horny virgin Indian males go to see a Bollywood film and get sudden erections after seeing an actress bearing her legs, belly, or some other fleshy part of her body. The most severe case wan when 21-year-old Swapmeal Gadera had an erection after seeing Aishwarya Rai's left index finger on screen for two seconds. Dr. Ramindeep Pupta came up with the disorder name after extensive research of 1,000 males in which they all got erections and were feeling each other up after being exposed to extensive and prolonged footage of Aishwarya Rai flopping around on screen in a midriff. "Seriously, these guys need to stop hanging out in large male-only crowds and need to get their rocks off. It's the only cure," said Dr. Pupta in a 2009 interview.
