Bolivian Navy

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BolivianNavyFlag

The Bolivian Navy ensign. The small stars represent the nine departments of Bolivia, and the light blue color represents what we think the ocean looks like.

The Bolivian Navy (also called the Bolivian Naval Force by annoying pedants) is the official naval branch of the glorious Bolivian Army, and the envy of the whole entire world. Even though Bolivia was forced to give up its coastal lands, and become landlocked, by the vile Chileans, the Bolivian Navy is still more powerful and much better groomed than all the navies in the world combined. The Bolivian Navy patrols the many rivers that run through the country, in case Chilean spies attempt to infiltrate the country's rivers for some reason, and the 1/3 of Lake Titicaca that's in our vast territory. Though other countries might consider having a navy in a landlocked country "impractical", "useless" or "insultingly stupid", Bolivia has always prided itself on preserving its honored naval tradition, which was unjustly taken by the vile country of Chile a hundred or so years ago.

edit Operations

BolivianBattleship

One of the Bolivian Navy's smaller, less significant ships, patrolling a small pond near La Paz.

The Bolivian Navy has several thousand personnel, ready to serve, and if needed, be slightly wounded for their country (the concept of death isn't taught in the Academy). The Navy has a total of 173 vessels, mostly stationed in Lake Titicaca, to protect Bolivian citizens from the occasional tourist. Though tourism seems like an innocuous hobby, foreign spies could infiltrate the country and spy on us like voyeurists with a fetish for government secrets. The rest of the Navy patrols the large rivers that run through the country, to stop drug traffickers and smugglers that might have accidentally stumbled into the country, and to allow safe passage for drug traffickers and smugglers from Bolivia (we have to make money somehow).

edit Day of the Sea

Because of the lack of a coastline, the Navy doesn't see much action, but once every year, the Navy hosts celebrations in the Day of the Sea (or Día del Mar), a wonderful national holiday held every March 23rd. God only knows why that date is significant, but we're joyous any way. During the Day of the Sea, the whole country celebrates its lack of oceans, sings cherished songs about the sea, eats traditional seafood dishes [1], and longingly looks at photos of the ocean. Then, at the end of the day, the Bolivian Government asks the government of Chile for the land lost in the War of the Pacific. Strangely, even though the land taken from Bolivia only makes up the backbone of their mineral economy, Chile still refuses to give the land back; even if we ask very nicely, or with a thoughtfully worded letter lined with anthrax, our pleas fall on deaf ears.[2]

edit History

BolivianStatue

A Bolivian soldier helpfully demonstrating to a Chilean infantryman the inner workings of a bayonet.

Before the cruel war that deprived Bolivia of prime beach front property, the Bolivian Navy was thriving, protecting the waters from foreign invasion, travelling to far off lands, and singing old, secretly naughty folk songs for the sake of tradition; life was good for the young nation, and its Navy, and with the resounding victory at the War of the Confederation by the Chileans, the country needed a few years of peace and quiet. Bolivia didn't have much in the area of political and economic stability, but it didn't matter, since political and economic stability aren't very important in the grand scheme of things. Not when you have a Navy. Unfortunately, the calm was to be short lived.

edit The War of the Pacific

Note: What follows is a slight simplification of true events.
Chile, the greedy country they were, eyed Bolivia's vast Guano and saltpeter reservoirs. After some mundane events involving taxes, 500 Chilean soldiers marched into Antofagasta and slaughtered innocent children with their pointed teeth and bloostained scythes. What followed was the worst conflict in Bolivian History. The Chilean soldiers mercilessly slaughtered innocent civilians, while Bolivian warriors bravely fought them off. The Bolivian Navy tried to defeat the Chilean's armada, but their dirty tricks proved to dastardly for the Bolivian Navy. Even though Chile had superficial things like logistical, naval, and numerical superiority, Bolivia had the spirit of the Bolivian people, and their mighty navy to support them. Bolivia lost after several long months of intense fighting, and Chile, the cruel imperialists they are, forcibly stole the land, turning Bolivia into a landlocked nation[3].

edit Modern Times

Though lesser nations after a defeat would do something pathetic like consolidate their losses or improve the economy, Bolivia decided to stay strong and preserve its navy, even though it was completely useless, according to (probably Chilean) critics. The Bolivian government continues to strengthen its navy, upgrading it with high-tech inflatable boats, recruiting more personnel to operate said inflatable boats, and buying millions of dollars worth of air to pump said inflatable boats. In the span of only one century, the Bolivian Navy has surpassed all other navies of landlocked countries in size and existence. This unprecedented growth has shown that Bolivia will never give up its claim of the coastline, no matter how large the odds are against them; probability is made up of numbers, and the Bolivian Navy has never relied on them to succeed. Today, the Bolivian Navy is still going strong as symbol of Bolivian strength and perseverance.

edit Footnotes

  1. Which has to be imported from Peru, the lucky bastards
  2. One time, we only lined it with Ricin, and they still complained.
  3. Switzerland wept the day Bolivia became landlocked, knowing that its reign as the mightiest landlocked country was over
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