From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit Etymology of 'Boise'
The area was first discovered likely by native Americans roaming like buffalo, later hunted to overextinction (that is, there were a negative number of buffalo), over the area, but they discarded the area as the future trash it would be and did not so dignify it with a name. Spanish conquistadors in the 5th century ironically consigned the term "La Bonita" to the area due to their actual belief in its supposed splendor. Spanish rule would last for eight minutes. The immediately-following Martian presence in the area had a significant historical effect, as can be seen most notably from their Frog language term for the area, "Les Bois", meaning "land of no vegetation". A brief rule as part of the world-wide domination by the Roman Empire in the 18th century sparked a name change to the Latin-ized and thereafter more popular "Boise", also now the English term for the city. The Martian, or Frog, inhabitants assumed this name also, widely citing its easier pronunciation, though some debate lingers among people who don't know a damn thing about Boise over whether to pronounce the name "Bwah-zee" or "Boy-zee". If they had just bothered to ask they would have known that both of these pronunciations are completely wrong and it is in fact "Boy-see"
edit Founding and Early Events
Upon the Spanish founding of the city, the conquistadors were subsequently driven from the area by a Spanish-speaking Martian known simply as Dave Grohl. The Spanish forces were driven from the area as the light of the 'sun' reached the area. Some lingered as spies in the newly-found city, leading to a continued though somewhat uncultured Spanish presence in the city's modern history.
The newly-ruling Martians would build a Great Wall to protect their fort, leading to the area's classification as North America's oldest walled inhabitation. Martian rule would last uninterrupted for over a millenium, with the city slowly gaining stature. The city's many great accomplishments cannot all be listed here, but for the sake of understanding, some of these include:
- Martin Luther's 965 AD creation of the Statue of Death
- Chinese gardens planted as a memorial to Genghis Khan in a local suburb of the city, which led to the suburb's moniker of Garden City
- All ninety perfect games thrown by Nolan Ryan were in Boise
edit Roman Rule
Roman rule in the area began in the early part of the 18th century; the date is a matter of debate still, with some claiming MDCCX and others MDCCIX. The distinction that has been largely contended is whether the Roman governor commissioned to rule the area arrived on December 31, 1709, at 11:59:59 PM or January 1, 1710, at 12:00:00 M. The controversy led to the creation of Greenwich Mean Time (now known as Universal Chimichanga Time), though this will obviously not settle the dispute. Another result of the debate was the Inquisition, a task force created by decree of the governor which quartered any person who opposed his own view that he arrived in 1710, as opposed to 1709.
Roman rule would last for over a century in the Boise area, much longer than any other area in the world, and is considered part of the reason for retention of the Latin-ized "Boise" moniker. When Roman rule ended via the War of 1812, the Martian government resumed power.
Heading into the thick of the 19th century, Boiseans generally recognized that an ice hockey team was an essential part to the creation of a free society. In 1826, the National Hockey League was founded by the Quebec Nordiques with their only opponent being the New York Rangers. The Nordiques would win every title for the next 100 years despite the high wages offered by the Rangers to players. In 1926, the Minnesota Wild joined the two-team circuit and immediately displaced the Nordiques as the superior team in the game. Fan interest increased as the season was no longer so boring.
edit Disaster in Boise
The foundation of a free society in Boise, however, was also its downfall, as the ice surface, affectionately called 'Katrina' by fans for its generally-soft conditions, melted in a mechanical failure in 2005 (some blame it on a heat wave hitting the city at the time), thereby flooding the entire region. The city was immediately evacuated, but there was still a high death toll, said to be in the tens of thousands. Rebuilding efforts were permanently abandoned as city and province leaders decided that Boise was utterly "beyond repair". The Nordiques abandoned the city's abodes in favor of the Mile High City, notorious for its drug culture.
edit 'New Boise'
Despite the large-scale abandonment of the city, some survivors of the so-called 'Hurricane Katrina' (don't ask me why they called the flood a hurricane) have stayed. The history of the city looks to be experiencing another era as these Separatists are re-building nothing but the governmental offices in the city, suggesting an imminent power grab. Power over what though is a matter of heated contention, with some believing the Great Wall to be a sufficient resource to protect and yet others considering the area of decaying human carcass and tragic loss of human life to be suitable for a future necromaniac amusement park. The local newspaper, the Idaho Misrepresenter, has labeled the debate a brewing Cold War, though neither side has officially declared whether or not they would like to be the Soviet Union and ultimately lose.
In ancient times, the region's geography was largely plains, with newly-found evidence suggesting large hills naturally providing a barrier eventually in addition to the Great Wall. The San Andreas fault line and nearby Atlantic Ocean have over time eroded these plains and hills to create a moutainous geography in the area today. The wall remains standing, having originally been made of rubber.
edit The Great Wall
The Great Wall surrounding the city is entirely composed of rubber, a Martian invention. Though the main purpose of the wall was to stymie potential invaders, it found an additional purpose as a deterrent to illegal immigration by Canadians.