This article may contain the little silhouetto of a man. If so, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, won't you do the Fandango.
Gilhard Bohemia was born to a poor Silversmith in 1865, in the modern day U.S. province of Iraq. He had 7 brothers and sisters and like him they all had to drop out of school to help pay the rent. Young Gilhard worked for a rich land owner as a stable boy, shoveling the poo of the land owners 3 unique elephants, later named for Gilhard (see Bohemian Elephants). It was there that he met Vladimir Lenin, who introduced him to LSD. And it was in this way that one day Gilhard found himself floating in the New York Harbor tied to 87 empty milk cartons.
Early Adulthood Edit
By day Gilhard Bohemia made a living as a wandering country singer, and at night he studied metaphysics from old text books he pilfered from primary schools. It was during this time that he met his first wife, Luzkatsie Ulmgadorf. They settled down and together ate 4 children. After he'd just killed a man, (put a gun up to his head, pulled his trigger now he's dead), Bohemia's life had jut begun with his Mama and wife. They led a quiet life and made enough money to live but in 1911 WWII broke out and Gilhard was given first draft as a benefit from the U.S.'s recruitment policy towards minorities.
The War Years Edit
Bohemia served in the 3rd mechanized unit of the Red Army. During the Siege of Leningrad, which was fought in the city of Prague Private G. Bohemia single handedly held back 2 Japanese divisions with a pocket knife while his comrades got sober. The local Peasants decided to rename the whole semi-region of eastern middle Europe Bohemia in his honor (now the Czech Republic). Also for this feat he was knighted by Joseph Stalin himself in his famous "I have a dream" Speech:
"...For courageous action under fire I here by Knight Thee, Gilhard Bohemia, a true hero of The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics of Freedom and Democracy and Happiness and No Purges..."
In the tradition Soviet way he was rewarded with execution which he narrowly escaped with help from guitar legend Hippocrates. It is said he cried out "LET ME GO!", in response to which a deep baritone-voiced man declared, "BISMELA, NO, WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO."
Introduction to Politics Edit
Upon returning to America he found his wife and left him for another man and he fell into depression. It is a point of hot debate among historians if her departure was because of Bohemia's homosexual tendencies. He then remarried Anna Nicole Smith and raised a small family. Sir Bohemia (as we may now call him) worked as a state prosecutor for 4 years before he decided to run for election for Earl of New Jersey. His opponent, Democrat Bob Marley criticized him on his motto of "If I win I will kill everyone who didn't vote for me, so you should vote for me to be on the safe side." The race was narrow but thanks to some last minute campaigning by Karl Marx Sir Bohemia was elected as Earl of New Jersey. Sir Bohemia not only gained recognition as an up and coming politician he gained political knowledge as well, as he wrote in his diary From now on I'm just going to lie about everything, cause it's easier
Success and Assassination Edit
In 1934 after serving for 8 years as Earl of New Jersey Sir Bohemia started his campaign for Grand Duke of the Confederate States of America. Up against him was none other than Jimmi Hendrix, who thought he could stomp Bohemia and/or spit in his eye. Over the next 6 months Sir Bohemia was continually on the road, his doctors warned him that such vigorous campaigning was bad for his already poor heart. To this he merely responded with "I can't rest the American people need me." Public opinion was astronomically in Jimmi Hendrix's favor mostly because he did not advocate burning at the stake of Heretics, Socialists, and Random Citizens. How ever with some last minute cheating Sir Bohemia won the election and took office on January 1st 1935. Success was short lived Sir Bohemia inherited a collapsing economy and Raging Orangutans in the street. The first 2 years of his Dukedom were dedicating to fixing problems at home, and his public support dwindled from 3 to 2 %. It looked bad for Sir Bohemia in the Spring of 1937, but on March 17th Bohemia was shot with a nuclear missile as he walked down the sideway. Historians have long hypothesized that Swiss nationalists were responsible, as Bohemia had not looked kindly on Switzerland's surprise invasion of every country in the world. How ever recent evidence suggests that it was a suicide.
Post Mortem Edit
Many Americans still remember exactly what they were doing the day Sir Bohemia was assassinated; March 17 has since become a national day of mourning, known as Christmas. His impact on the world was undeniably incredible and has been ranked the 7,098th most influential Bisexual Man of the 1930's in Time Magazine. AIDS-ridden sensation Queen wrote some song about him. Contributors to this article don't remember what it was called, but it probably sucked.