Bobcat
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| Bobcat | |
|---|---|
| Bobcat.jpg | |
| Kingdom | Bobcatania |
| Phylum | Lion |
| Class | Mammal |
| Order | Arise, Sir Bobcat |
| Family | Felidae |
| Genus | Lynux |
| Species | Lynux Redhat |
| Binomial Name | Lynux Redhat |
| Primary Armament | Front Claws |
| Secondary Armament | Stinky piss |
| Power Supply | 220v A/C |
| HP: | 250 |
| Mana Points: | 11 |
| Strength: | {{{strength}}} |
| Intelligence: | Sarcastic |
| Weight | 5kg |
| Length | Average |
| Special Attack | Pissing frenzy |
| Conservation Status | Pest |
The Bobcat (Lynux redhat) is a North American mammal of the Lynux family, Felidae. Contrary to popular belief, the Bobcat is neither a Bob nor a Cat but is actually a kind of furry ball that gets angry when aroused.
With an outdated burgundy leather coat, a stupid whiskery face, and a multitude of unforgiven sins, the Bobcat is one of North America's most familiar sights in crowded cities, pine forests and downtown dingy bars alike. In recent years, it has risen to almost mythical status as a thing of random. "Go bobcat!" is a familiar shout in the shoddy, moronic colleges of the USA where chinless, lumpen morons are prepared for lives of conformity and privilege in the mistaken belief that they are better than everyone else. Naturally, Bobcats look down on the college boy with derision and despair.
This fantastic creature also exists withing the UK. but only in Lancaster, where it plagues the local swimming pools. Now go home and have a bath.
[edit] Rising Despair
The greatest threat to Bobcat numbers is rising despair and the inevitable suicide that results. Bobcats routinely throw themselves from railway bridges and cast themselves into quagmires as a result of the stupidity they see all around them.
Though the Bobcat prefers rabbits and hares, it will also mate with deer. Like most cats, the Bobcat plays cards on a Friday night and drinks beer, although there is some overlap in home ranges. It marks its territory with a foul stream of smelly piss on the boundary, leaving the whole place smelling like an alley next to a bar. Consequently, the Bobcat prefers to live as close as possible to the center of his land in an attempt to escape the stench. "Must you do that filthy habit?" asks his wife but the Bobcat counters with the question "Do you want to put our babies at risk?" and the argument is won.
[edit] Babies
Bobcat babies are born once every 12 days, like a never ending conveyor belt in a ceaseless Bobcat factory. This is excess of government quotas and the industry is under pressure to clean up its act or at least dump the surplus of little Bobcats in new Asian markets. China doesn't want Bobcats as it is still trying to sort out the monkeys that the Reagan administration delivered in 1988.
Although initially blind, the tiny Bobcat kittens can track adult humans by smell and often go for the throat. It is not unknown for senior citizens to be dragged screaming from benches in Central Park by huge packs of tiny Bobcat babies but document cases are hard to come by, especially since people started demanding evidence for everything instead of just accepting hearsay and tittle tattle.
[edit] Subspecies
Twelve Bobcat subspecies are currently recognised:
- L. redhat neocon – eastern and midwestern United States
- L. Sir Bobcat - Ireland and eastern United States
