Bob the Cow
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Bob the Cow, authored by (pen-name) John P. Winkelheimer III Esq, is the fictional main character in multiple unpublished short stories from 2000-2004. This series is often referred to as the "Bob the Cow" series. As his name dictates, he is a cow.
Even though the series technically ended in 2004, Winkelheimer was still sporadically writing Bob the Cow stories into 2005.
In his stories, Bob is described as a three-legged, one nostriled cow who has a one mile long tail who also eats through his nose.
The basis of his stories are normally as such: he is constantly being severely injured but somehow manages to survive each time. That is why most of his stories' titles are in this format-"Bob the Cow Gets <Injury>, But Lives". Bob's best friend, Bill the Cow, also gets severely maimed but he too manages to survive the catastrophes Bob usually gets them into.
The stories were known for their parodies and "cheap imitations". Some examples include "The National Perspirer", Liptom Whisk Iced Pee", and "Moss Spatulas Tribspoon".
The Bob the Cow series, approximately 25-35 stories in total, found little acclaim. The author even tried to make a couple websites to gain attention to his stories, but attention was minimal.
Bob the Cow News, a monthly publication of fictional news articles, was produced in 2002. It was popular among one small group of people, but over the summer of 2002, the paper was cancelled due to an "overusage of pink fluffy toilet paper", according to the fictional editors of the newspaper (real reason-lack of readership). In 2003, 5 months after the paper was cancelled, a comeback of the paper was attempted, but it was aborted after only one issue. Very rarely, new issues are released, but only for the enjoyment of the author.
The main "writers" and "editors" of the "publication" were: Rickles Boddywirth, Riko Riko Tan Tan, Timmo Teloaoa, Fries N. Ketchup, White Flower, Jonny Cantamelon (relative of Jonny Cant-alope, a writer who "left" the newsletter), Jif Peanuttbutter, Mr. Terrance Smellybuns, Kik Mie Toosh and Joe Schmoalot.
At times, this fictional publication seemed to gain more attention than the actual stories themselves!
[edit] Characters, Places, Random Facts, and Other Things Worth Noting
Bob the Cow-Main character. Constantly getting hurt but managing to survive. And his tits went to Paris, France where he mingled with his mother
Bill the Cow-Bob's best friend. Normally by Bob's side, getting into the same messes Bob got into. Even though he was always with Bob, not much was mentioned about his characteristics.
Bo the Cow-Mentioned only once throughout the short-story series, as an apparition. In one issue of the newsletter, a whole page is dedicated to the life and times of Bo.
Susie (Susy) the Steer-An attempted character. Never went anywhere because steer sounds too masculine. When asked "if steers are male, why did Bob date Susie?", the author responded (paraphrased):
"Susie was a transvestite...Bob didn't know about this until a third party told him of her condition. He dumped her after learning that information."
There are a couple instances in the stories and newsletters where Susie was mentioned. It always ended up with her being turned into "delicious Grade-A Beef".
Pastrami Sandwich Monkey Monsters-One of the more popular groups of characters in the stories/newsletters. They resided on the planet XXZ, and for the most part would be described as "normal" in the world of Bob the Cow. They even had a few stories entirely based on them.
Louis Jackson Michael Youngington Cow-Bob's late "great aunt's uncle". Mentioned only once ever, in the newsletter. He is mentioned in an article telling of his passing due to his condition-"Cowstteroppreaaosiosis Reniva Kingcow Type X Disease A".
Cowville, Cheeseville, Cowarean, Beefington, Penal Colony City-All majors locations in the world of Bob the Cow. In one "saga"-which was a semi-knockoff of Bob the Cow News-Bob goes missing and people speculate he was lost in the Amazon, only to find out he was jailed in Penal Colony City for breaking wind in a public Pastrami Sandwich Monkey Monster area.
"Pastromball"-A fictional sport covered in the newsletters. There were eight "teams" in the "Pastromball League": the Cheese, Hams, Oilsuckers, Poops, Boogers, Nerds, Sugarlumps, and Lowlifes.
Fact-The name Timmo Teloaoa was inspired by former New York Mets (baseball) outfielder Timo Perez.
Fact-None of the writers and editors of the newsletter were ever mentioned in any of the actual stories.
Attempted Knockoff-Henry the Sunflower. Says Winkelheimer-
"The idea and basis of the story came from one of my associates. After writing a preliminary story (which was actually based in and around the home of Bob the Cow, with Bob playing a pretty major role), I realized the idea wasn't very good. So, I decided to scrap the idea of Henry the Sunflower altogether."
Random Information-Cheese was often mentioned in the story series and newsletter. "I don't know why I mention cheese so much," says Winkelheimer, "it's just funny. Cheese is funny. Sprinkle it onto your story like you do a taco and you wind up with something good. I guess that explains it."
[edit] Winkelheimer's Other Works
Winkelheimer has written many, many poems, essays and short stories-the majority of which were based in comedy. Currently, only one of his works-a dramatic (non-comedic) poem entitled "Vanished Without a Trace"-has been published. Unlike the majority of his recent works, this poem was written (and published) under his original name.
"Without sufficient funds," explains Winkelheimer, "I can't publish much. But luckily, I have been able to post multiple works on the Internet."
Many of his works, including his original Bob the Cow stories, were penned using his original name.
Some of his other works include:
"Ode to Cheese", "The Dog", and-his first and only (incomplete) attempt at a novel-"The Key".
